Shakey, Knows The Score

[beau blood rush]

this has just been the last couple of hours work, so this still needs work, especially the intro
It's me trying to write a song from what my brothers (lead vocalist) perspective would be.


(intro)
homesick for nights spent on my own
these friends i grew up with never felt more alone
cause we're only in love with our own doubts
and a spoonful of stars couldn't keep this down

(verse 1)
rosemary cheeked, checkered black & blue
he's jumping hoops through the rings you ran around him
sweating kerosene
remembering how you set the sky alight
my scuffed knee-deep in tragedy
there's one boy left that treads the thought
that you still miss him - so don't you miss him?

(chorus)
hail the --
heart-breaker's with offside ovations
to hot and bothered to care for a bearing
that will only lead home
and I could be your catcher
ever since you promised
to never miss again

(verse 2)
he's a back-seat boy,
but he longs to sing about love, just once.
i had a shot at semi-happiness, but i slept in
so darling don't you keep me dreaming
of highway wives only starry-eyes
and the hope you might give me one last chance to mess up my life

(chorus)
hail the --
heart-breaker's with offside ovations
to hot and bothered to care for a bearing
that will only lead home
and I could be your catcher
ever since you promised
to never miss again

(bridge)
I could be your catcher
I could be your catcher
ever since you promised
to never miss again

I could be your catcher
I could be your catcher
ever since you promised
to never miss again

heart-breaker's with offside ovations
to hot and bothered to care for a bearing
that will only lead home

(chorus)
hail the --

heart-breaker's with offside ovations
to hot and bothered to care for a bearing
that will only lead home
and I could be your catcher
ever since you promised
to never miss again

[a speedo model]

rosemary cheeks, checkered black & blue
jumping hoops through the rings you ran around me

This isn't bad, nothing amazing but the imagery was interesting enough. Feels like a pop song, not sure if that's a good thing.
sweating kerosene

I disliked this, overdone imagery but also just feels misplaced.
remembering how we set the sky alight
The word "alight" seemed awkward, not sure why you chose it. It doesn't seem necessary for the flow or rhyme, and like I said it feels awkward and out of place in the context of the line.

my scuffed knee-deep in tragedy

Eh, this isn't bad but I don't like the inclusion of "tragedy". Adds to the feel that this is nothing more than a simple pop song. That use is overused in pop-punk and so on, losing any feel weight. Here it almost pulls the piece down a bit, by bringing the connection.

there's one boy left that treads the thought
that you still miss him - so don't you miss him?

Can't really complain about this, it's nothing terrible. Sort of interesting and clever, but not horribly original. It's not bad though.

hail --
the heart-breaker's with offside ovations
"Hail, the..." is so cliche, especially in these types of songs. It is a bad image and is far too boring to be of use.

to hot and bothered to care for a bearing
that will only lead home
and I could be your underdog on the highway
ever since you promised to never miss again
I didn't like any of this. You seem to conclude with a host of cliches and bad imagery. The spark of inspiration dying or whatever it was shows here. Feels like the song was winding down and needed an ending, I just didn't like the way of concluding it.

Overall, had some nice ideas, some good images but overall to me it read like a pop song. Nothing too complicated or confusing, simple ideas that have been used before and aren't that foreign. Not bad though, just try and step out do different things.

[beau blood rush]

can you please post 3 songs that include the 'hail the' line in the chorus - not to prove a point, but if they do exist in the way im planning to use the line then i will change it.

this is only a rough draft of the first verse and chorus so it's still got a way to go

[beau blood rush]

*updated

[fishingthe_sky]

On the "Hail the" line, "All Hail the Heartbreakers" is already a Spill Canvas song.

"jumping hoops" really is just wrong. I understand the play on the cliche, but since you say "jumping hoops through..." you're saying the subject is literally jumping hoops, which doesn't make sense any which way you want to imagine it. Get rid of the hoops or the rings, and it'll make the line actually be a workable metaphor.

"my scuffed knee-deep in tragedy" doesn't add anything to the verse it's in. It seems entirely out of context.

I agree with the majority of a speedo model's critique, as well.