Lansing, MI (version 2)

[MCSmate]

Original song here (http://absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?t=720922). This version just has a chorus.

Lansing, MI

Every morning spent in bed
Our eyes are closed, we rest out heads
Arms are locked and fingers intertwined
That old glory sunlight, oh how it shines

And I won't wait for night
'Cause the light's already here
And I just think it's fine
When every thing's so clear

I took a walk downtown today
A man on the corner was watching a parade
In conversation I said I live on the Great Lakes
I do not need a reason for the places I stay

And I won't wait for night
'Cause the light's already here
And I just think it's fine
When every thing's so clear

The spring rain has come down hard
Losing myself in letters from abroad
It seems only yesterday these lakes were lagoons
I never thought tomorrow would come so soon

[fishingthe_sky]

"I do not need a reason for the places I stay" is grammatically incorrect in a way that made it painful to read.

I like the last two lines. "these lakes were lagoons" is a quality phrase.

[utgjames]

what's the story behind this?

[MCSmate]

what's the story behind this?

Actually I was inspired to write a song after listenign to "Holland" by Sufjan Stevens. It just sort of came out... I wish I could give more of a story behind it.

[MCSmate]

"I do not need a reason for the places I stay" is grammatically incorrect in a way that made it painful to read.


Any suggestions on what to change it to?

[fishingthe_sky]

Any suggestions on what to change it to?
It depends on what you're trying to go for. Here are a couple I thought of:

I do not need a reason to stay where I stay.

There is no reason to be where I stay.

I do not need a reason, it's where I will stay (or choose to stay).

[bootsydan]

The lakes/lagoons line was very good. Didn't get much out of the rest of it sorry.

[Troggy]

Every morning spent in bed
Our eyes are closed, we rest out heads
Arms are locked and fingers intertwined
That old glory sunlight, oh how it shines

This first verse is a throwaway, there is nothing really going on. People in bed? There is no action, no significance, and no personality. If you are looking to say that at the beginning of the song is the beginning of the day, try to pull something personal into it, a detail, a feeling, scenery, anything.

And I won't wait for night
'Cause the light's already here
And I just think it's fine
When every thing's so clear

Similar to the first verse, really. You think the daytime is fine? OK, so do I, but how can I really connect to the place where you are if all you give me is words like light, night, fine, clear?

I took a walk downtown today
A man on the corner was watching a parade
In conversation I said I live on the Great Lakes
I do not need a reason for the places I stay

Alright, now there is at least a mention of a place, there are some people, locations, this is an improvement on the first two stanzas. Still though, you are just telling things, and I can't sense much of an attachment to any of it. The reader now knows where you live, but so what? You tell a guy that you don't need a reason to live there? Wouldn't it be much more meaningful if you HAD a reason? Also the first two lines don't give the reader any picture, we could see our favorite parade, maybe, or one from OUR hometown, but what makes Lansing unique or interesting? If that's what the song is about, we should be thinking about that place, not our own.

The spring rain has come down hard
Losing myself in letters from abroad
It seems only yesterday these lakes were lagoons
I never thought tomorrow would come so soon

Now there is finally a little investment. You must be holding back from putting yourself into this piece. The whole thing is suffering because of it. Now there is some secondary character close to the speaker who is far away from the place you are supposed to be doing a good job at describing. This section is what you need to work from. Use these lines as a start for the piece, and rework it to communicate to the reader what you think of Lansing (Don't explicitly tell them, let the details do it, like how you describe the parade or your house or the sun coming up, etc) and then you can work in this kind of emotional attachment to someone far away. Maybe you are trying to communicate isolation in Lansing from this person, I don't know, that's something you should keep in mind when you rework this.

Hopefully this was helpful. Lagoon is such a great word.

[MCSmate]

It is not about Lansing, MI, that is just the title. But I plan on reworking this soon and getting up here sometime. Thanks for the feedback.

[Neo Cassady]

Any suggestions on what to change it to?

There's no grammatical incorrectness. You can have one reason for many things. I'd leave that line as is. And frankly, the changes that fishingthe_sky came up with don't have the same meaning. The word "places" fits really well there.

[fishingthe_sky]

There's no grammatical incorrectness. You can have one reason for many things. I'd leave that line as is. And frankly, the changes that fishingthe_sky came up with don't have the same meaning. The word "places" fits really well there.
I agree with you that my suggestions don't quite capture the poesy of the original line, but they do correct the grammar and convey the original meaning. What she's trying to say is "I do not need a reason to be at the places I stay," as in there need not be any qualifying intention or explanation to stay somewhere. My suggestions do capture that meaning. "For" is not the correct preposition to convey that sentiment.

[Troggy]

It is not about Lansing, MI, that is just the title. But I plan on reworking this soon and getting up here sometime. Thanks for the feedback.

Title might be a tad misleading, then ;-)