Dharma- Track 2: Curiosity Meets Wisdom

[stendhal]

Keep in mind this is a continuation of a musical. If you want the full story, just ask and I'll send it.

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De Duolcos:
I've stepped through deserts and bogs
Traveled on grasslands, plains, and swamps
From forest to tundra, over and under
Headed from one end of the season to the other


My feet are tired and I'm short of breath
But my feet can't stop, I'm far too restless
Somethinng inside of me won't let me sleep
An insatiable yearning to see everything
I'm not concerned whether I find a home
What's on my mind is from heel to toe
And I'll keep that pattern for the here, and the after
Around the world, I'll aimlessly venture.

What have I stumbled upon?
Do my eyes decieve me?
Have I finally collapsed?
I must be dreaming!
It's impossible what I'm seeing
A mirage or maybe trickery
Or,
A living, breathing, thinking, entitiy!
Swimming under and giving ground to everything!

Coscious the Turtle: What's your name, little friend?
De Duolcos: De Duolcos, are, are you god?
Coscious: No, no, no, I've just been around
I've seen many things
But I hold no crown
De Duolcos: I'm still uncertain as to what you mean...
Coscious: Well, the air I breath creates foam on the sea
The greens and the blues fervently roll under me
The leavers and pulleys work tirelessly
Protected within me they are min to keep
De Duolcos: So what is it that I call you?
Coscious: Coscious, my boy, but I seemed to have stalled you,
You must be on your way
And to help steadfast your step
The Map of the Everything
It's yours to keep, a gift
De Duolcos: How must I thank you
For knowledge of terrain
Vast and wide
I know now of every place.
Coscious: You may think of this day
But never utter a sound
The thought is just fine,
But not spoken aloud.
And promise me this:
No matter where you drift
Never journey to the top
Nor dream of it
For every living thing
Has purpose in the world
Your's is not there,
But in time will be revealed

De Duolcos: I'm not concerned whether I find a home
What's on my mind is from heel to toe
And I'll keep that pattern for the here and the after
Now steadfast in my tracks, I know now where to venture!

Narration: So there he met me, near dead on his feet... Coscious the Turtle and the secret I keep. There, he stood at the end of the earth, glowering and puzzled as I carry the world. I offered him a deal, I would give him The Map of the Everything, and in exchange for his survival, he needn't say anything. To the top of the world he would not faire; for everyone has their place in the balance, and his is not there.

[fishingthe_sky]

I found this a little less interesting than track one. So far I like Coscious' voice better than De Duolcos'; obviously his more mythical stature grants him a greater degree of poesy in his voice. I think in the first 4 lines, you should switch the 3rd and 4th to keep the continuity of terrain going before you mention seasons (the line about travel seasons end to end is one I'm particularly partial to, having written a poem a long time ago that has the same idea in it). I also liked the last line of the narration; it's simplicity really works wonders.

I was wondering if you had any expository info on the characters and setting. I'm especially curious as to the spatial relationship between the characters, as Coscious refers to DD as "little friend." It would be easier to make comments about the interaction between the characters and the environment if I knew how to visualize them. You could pm them to me.

[Chigwinkle]

Wow, this is really cool. I can see it all coming together really nicely, I can see this scene happening in my head. I especially like the narration at the end, it sums up the piece brilliantly and- im guessing- makes a nice transition into the next song.
Keep it up:)

[stendhal]

I found this a little less interesting than track one. So far I like Coscious' voice better than De Duolcos'; obviously his more mythical stature grants him a greater degree of poesy in his voice. I think in the first 4 lines, you should switch the 3rd and 4th to keep the continuity of terrain going before you mention seasons (the line about travel seasons end to end is one I'm particularly partial to, having written a poem a long time ago that has the same idea in it). I also liked the last line of the narration; it's simplicity really works wonders.

I was wondering if you had any expository info on the characters and setting. I'm especially curious as to the spatial relationship between the characters, as Coscious refers to DD as "little friend." It would be easier to make comments about the interaction between the characters and the environment if I knew how to visualize them. You could pm them to me.


Yeah... this is where it goes into more of a 'story mode'. Rather straight forward as opposed to the first track.

I agree with the changing of lines two and three... thanks!

I'll send you the basic story I've written to give a better knowledge of the characters... the artwork won't be done for a while, but I'll send you that as well.

Thanks again, man.

[stendhal]

Wow, this is really cool. I can see it all coming together really nicely, I can see this scene happening in my head. I especially like the narration at the end, it sums up the piece brilliantly and- im guessing- makes a nice transition into the next song.
Keep it up:)


Thank you much for reading!

I'll keep posting so let me know what you think.

[lew_1987]

This was great again, although not quite as good as the first one. It's good that you're still able to write really well, even when writing more conversational sections, rather than poetic ones as in the first. Well done.

[stendhal]

This was great again, although not quite as good as the first one. It's good that you're still able to write really well, even when writing more conversational sections, rather than poetic ones as in the first. Well done.


Thank you, sir... and thank you for reading.

It tends to have quite a bit more dialogue in the following tracks... hopefully you'll read on.