Colours on a Canvas

[Chigwinkle]

Hey, this is my first post here. I've been developing a few peoms that im going to be made into lyrics for a new acoustic project I'm working on. They are a set of peoms about ways of portraying emotion through art and music.



A page as white as winter's snow,
Stares blankly at me from its easel,
I close my eyes,
Sensationalize,
Take the brush and make a stroke,
Spark life upon the canvas.

Mix the substance until it is one,
The colour is my emotion,
Swirling compound
of hues so profound,
That the spectrum is left bewildered,
I'll spark life upon the canvas.

The earths blood is my paint,
And i'll use it to taint,
The motionless void before me,
I'll take my brush,
Paint fields so lush,
And spark life upon this canvas.

Mountains will rise,
and I'll create the skies,
And great cities will be built in my wake,
I'll spark human life,
Wield my brush like a knife,
And begin the picture again.

[Chigwinkle]

I'll post the next one up soon.

[fishingthe_sky]

*Poems

In literature, there's a universally accepted rule that says you should always try to show your meaning, as opposed to tell it. This poem does not do that. You tell readers everything, leaving them little to no room to imagine your images. Take your first line, for example: Instead of "A page as white as winter's snow," which plainly tells the reader what you're talking about and thus removing their imagination from the line, say something like "A snow-white page," which shows an image the reader must actively conjure. Better yet, "A winter white page" opens up the imagery even further, and allows for a lot of play in the reader's mind. Go through the lines and try to transform them into lines that SHOW an image, rather than TELL it.

Also, "the color is my emotion" is a completely hackneyed trope that is better off not being in the piece at all. If that's the focus (color=emotion), then for god's sake, don't tell us that. Having the entire conceit be given makes the poem dull and lifeless.

Keep at it.

[Chigwinkle]

Thanks, much appreciated. I do have a tendency to reveal far too much, but that's mainly because I don't write pOEms (xD) that often.
Again, Thanks.:)

[Killyoursound]

I like this one =). Let me know when the song is up!

[Chigwinkle]

Thanks:) I'm actually recording at the moment... or trying to at least. Should be up soonish.