Something I Wrote Recently

[nkalldayyy]

these bee sting bulbs growing in our backs
they could set us off down a crippled path
where breathing is like a hot coal walk for hearts
and our heels feel the pain of ten thousand shards
as we hold our fevers up like infants' heads
so heavy with passion, we blister these hands
we're anchoring from a place in the clouds
falling so rapidly we forget what its about
we get sidetracked and lose count of our laps
but what we get from one another keeps us intact
the love we carry overflows in our arms
it spills like abandoned faucets over our scars
stretching like spider legs over our webs of each other
we learn one by one when we fail and falter
its something to tire our feet but fertilize our dreams
let this note ring out as we grow
like everlasting oak trees

[BJW7191]

i like this alot... the infants head imagery is legit


i like this soo much, like for real

[nkalldayyy]

i like this alot... the infants head imagery is legit


i like this soo much, like for real
awwe, thank you sooo much. that just made me really happy! lol

i get so nervous posting stuff on this site, some people just attack everything i put up!

i really appreciate the feedback. seriously, thanks! : )

[BJW7191]

dont take people on this site too serious... they fuck with people bc its so easy to seem cool as a dick on the internet

[nkalldayyy]

dont take people on this site too serious... they fuck with people bc its so easy to seem cool as a dick on the internet
definitelyyy. they hate girls! no one takes me seriously anymore lol.

[lew_1987]

This was actually pretty good... it ended at the right time, before it got boring or anything. Nice work.

[nkalldayyy]

This was actually pretty good... it ended at the right time, before it got boring or anything. Nice work.
thanks a lot. you're a pretty tough critic from what i hear, so i definitely appreciate it!
thanks for reading. : )

[lew_1987]

thanks a lot. you're a pretty tough critic from what i hear, so i definitely appreciate it!
thanks for reading. : )

No problem.

Where do you hear that? I like to think I'm tough but fair :-)

[nkalldayyy]

No problem.

Where do you hear that? I like to think I'm tough but fair :-)
haha, just from seeing your post in this forum.

i think i worded it wrong the first time, lol. i'd say you're pretty highly acclaimed around here though.

:-)

[fishingthe_sky]

I thought this was pretty good. At first I thought it was a sonnet and started counting syllables, and then got disappointed when I realized it wasn't. There's enough here to make it into a sonnet, and if you're at all familiar with the form I encourage you to try.

A couple things I think would strengthen the piece: a) You use too many similes for a short piece. It gets overwhelming reading "A like B" that many times. Many of your similes could be turned into metaphors that convey the same thoughts, but in more powerful language. Example: "The love we carry overflows in our arms/ Abandoned faucets spilling over our scars" is a more concise and vivid metaphor than "the love we carry overflows in our arms/ it spills like abandoned faucets over our scars"
b) Why break form at the end of the piece? Having already established a metrical pattern and rhyme scheme, the last line is jarring in its deliberate break of these. Perhaps it's the fact that you're mirroring sonnet form so much that it's influencing my opinion, but I think the piece suffers from the last line.
c) Punctuate punctuate punctuate! I can't tell you how annoyed I get seeing poems that aren't punctuated yet are written in a way that almost requires it. While your form makes it pretty clear where the breaks in ideas are, you have enough here that you could utilize punctuation in ways that would absolutely enhance your images and metaphors.

All in all, though, good job! Don't be afraid to post. There are far harsher forums out there, and there are definitely well-intentioned and knowledgeable members on here whose opinions are worth having.

[lew_1987]

haha, just from seeing your post in this forum.

i think i worded it wrong the first time, lol. i'd say you're pretty highly acclaimed around here though.

:-)

Heh, thanks... I've just been around here for quite a long time, that's all really. There are others who are much higher acclaimed than I am, and rightly so.

[nkalldayyy]

Heh, thanks... I've just been around here for quite a long time, that's all really. There are others who are much higher acclaimed than I am, and rightly so.
no problem : )

[nkalldayyy]

I thought this was pretty good. At first I thought it was a sonnet and started counting syllables, and then got disappointed when I realized it wasn't. There's enough here to make it into a sonnet, and if you're at all familiar with the form I encourage you to try.

A couple things I think would strengthen the piece: a) You use too many similes for a short piece. It gets overwhelming reading "A like B" that many times. Many of your similes could be turned into metaphors that convey the same thoughts, but in more powerful language. Example: "The love we carry overflows in our arms/ Abandoned faucets spilling over our scars" is a more concise and vivid metaphor than "the love we carry overflows in our arms/ it spills like abandoned faucets over our scars"
b) Why break form at the end of the piece? Having already established a metrical pattern and rhyme scheme, the last line is jarring in its deliberate break of these. Perhaps it's the fact that you're mirroring sonnet form so much that it's influencing my opinion, but I think the piece suffers from the last line.
c) Punctuate punctuate punctuate! I can't tell you how annoyed I get seeing poems that aren't punctuated yet are written in a way that almost requires it. While your form makes it pretty clear where the breaks in ideas are, you have enough here that you could utilize punctuation in ways that would absolutely enhance your images and metaphors.

All in all, though, good job! Don't be afraid to post. There are far harsher forums out there, and there are definitely well-intentioned and knowledgeable members on here whose opinions are worth having.
thanks a lot. i really appreciate your very detailed insight!

i agree what you said about the metaphors and similes. i just get caught up in them sometimes, i guess because i like them so much hahha. i didn't notice the sonnet form until now, i'm not too into form and stuff (even though i should be, because i write haha) i was just trying to use free verse, i guess you could call it that. but it's awkward whe it doesnt even somewhat rhyme.
as for the last line, i definitely see where the rhythem gets thrown off. i just really loved the imagery of it, and i couldn't find a more fitting way to put it. it still needs a shitload of editing, but what you said really really helped!

i really appreciate it. thanks for reading : )

[fishingthe_sky]

thanks a lot. i really appreciate your very detailed insight!

i agree what you said about the metaphors and similes. i just get caught up in them sometimes, i guess because i like them so much hahha. i didn't notice the sonnet form until now, i'm not too into form and stuff (even though i should be, because i write haha) i was just trying to use free verse, i guess you could call it that. but it's awkward whe it doesnt even somewhat rhyme.
as for the last line, i definitely see where the rhythem gets thrown off. i just really loved the imagery of it, and i couldn't find a more fitting way to put it. it still needs a shitload of editing, but what you said really really helped!

i really appreciate it. thanks for reading : )
You make couplets out of slant rhyme for most of the poem, so it's not as awkward as it may seem. As far as needing to rhyme for sonnets, I have mixed feelings on it. In the tradition of the form, yeah, the fact that the rhymes aren't exact prevent it from being a "formal" sonnet. But honestly, in the contemporary era of poetry the boundaries of the form have been stretched considerably. I've read sonnets in slant rhyme and in blank verse, as well as double sonnets and all sorts of kooky things like that. Some purists scoff at this, but I think it's perfectly acceptable for forms to be played with, and this poem could be one of them.

[nkalldayyy]

You make couplets out of slant rhyme for most of the poem, so it's not as awkward as it may seem. As far as needing to rhyme for sonnets, I have mixed feelings on it. In the tradition of the form, yeah, the fact that the rhymes aren't exact prevent it from being a "formal" sonnet. But honestly, in the contemporary era of poetry the boundaries of the form have been stretched considerably. I've read sonnets in slant rhyme and in blank verse, as well as double sonnets and all sorts of kooky things like that. Some purists scoff at this, but I think it's perfectly acceptable for forms to be played with, and this poem could be one of them.
i can definitely understand what you're saying. i'm gona do some more research on forms and stuff. maybe someday this will be sonnet, or a haiku? who knows..
thank you though : )