Off Target

[Leerycist]

This is about a guy who has feelings for a girl, but isn't reading her well even though he keeps hearing that she has feelings for him as well. He tries to kiss the girl after their first date but is turned down so now he's trying to figure out where he stands.

"My mind is blank, like empty bullets,
Despite the color, in my face like tulips,
That's draining energy, like some pull-ups,
Thoughts are dancin', in my head like hulas,
Coz somethin' sweeter, than Fruit Roll-Ups,
Copped my freedom, and I don't mean hold-ups,
I'm holdin' it in, like manila folders,
And it's weighin' me down, like a million boulders,

Red in the face, but not coz the mis-kiss,
Also not because, you're not my misses,
Wasn't sure if, you were open for business,
But this entrepreneur, made a decision,
And I know you're a teacher, 'coz you ordered a revision,
Kinda hurt my pride, social circumcision,
But I'm laughin' out loud, feelin' fly like a pigeon,
I have fun with you, like Virginia has Richmond."

I like to rhyme, often in what I guess would be called a rap or freestyle format. I don't know how that will be accepted here but I'll appreciate any feedback.

[CLafferty]

Some of the couplets were decent, some were less than desirable ('fly like a pigeon', and 'fruit roll ups' are stand out as examples of the latter). The structure of the song is a bit formulaic, and I'm not sure what kind of imagery you're trying to go for.
Not insults, but a bit of (what I hope will be...) constructive criticism.

CL

[thespearkid]

The term "social circumcision" is literally the only decent part of this. It look like a collection of similes written for a third grade english class.

[CellarGhosts]

Sorry, but I have to agree with thespearkid on this one.

[Leerycist]

thanks this all helps ... what would you recommend for a less formulaic structure?

and what would you think of similes used in a more serious manner? not just for this but in general. i'm trying to figure out if you flat-out didn't like it because of the nature of the similes, or because you were expecting more serious similies for the subject. thanks again.

[CellarGhosts]

similes are fine if they're done well and used sparingly, imo. it might just depend on the lyricist or the song, but an abundance of similes can get really wearing and tired. that's how I feel anyway.

[Kirsty.com]

I Like It(: Keep It Up.