Winter Rain...Suggestions Anyone?

[shortone1320]

Winter Rain

The cables out
the powers out
and I know without a doubt
All I can do here
is sit and stare
at the winter rain
from the storm passin' through
and all I think of is you
Like the streets in morning
I fell an icy glaze over me
and I'm hoping
to escape this fridgid pain
you broke me
Like the branches and ice
into a millon little pieces

(chorus)
This winter
is harsh as ever
it's not the weather
This time around
the freezing is summer
compared to the coldness inside
and it I have to hide
when you come around

Prayin the morning's warmth
can defrost the pain
and relieve this icy numb
Tears fell like rain
Now its been a month,
I shouldn't feel this way
but I can't even reject it
you've got no idea
of what you do to me
but I must let you be

This pain I'll overcome
to set forth the healing
and the freedom that'll come
I've been left to thinking
and from thinking to this writing

(chorus)

I'm left with your frostbite,
can no longer fight
I've lost a piece to the frozen
and there will remain
the greatest carving
of your name
where it be forever
No other
with create your warmth
which was lost
with the winter's frost

(chorus)

Just left waitin'
on the winter wind
to push on through
so the fire can burn
within, again...

Please tell me your opions of it. Anything would be appreciated. THANKS

[Leerycist]

"Like the branches and ice
into a millon little pieces
...
the freezing is summer
compared to the coldness inside"
these were my favorite two lines, pretty fresh

"you've got no idea
of what you do to me
but I must let you be"
(this is cliche to me but something people can relate to so i think it still works"

"and there will remain
the greatest carving
of your name
where it be forever"
where is the carving? your heart?

[shortone1320]

Thx, the fact that someone likes some of what I produce make me keep goin on with it.
...and yes the heart...

[shortone1320]

Plz Leave A comment, I wanna know what you guys think Good or Bad

[yournewhaircut]

Hey, I'm glad you liked my other feedback. For this one, I sense very strong emotions. One thing that detracts me is that sometimes it seems like the speaker isn't using their natural voice, aka just the way that they actually say words. It's hard to pin point what I mean. It's kind of like in this line: "the freezing is summer compared to the coldness inside". The way you compare the physical cold to emotional cold creates a strong sense, but the way you're saying it seems a like you were rushed to describe the feeling. Maybe try to imagine a situation for this speaker to be in that you can describe so that things like "freezing is summer" and "cold* inside" can be more lucid, or, like experienced, for the reader, as if it is a memory that you are describing to someone over. I think when it comes to lyrics that are tell stories like this one does, it's more important to describe things well than to fit the rhythms and melodies you have in your head for it (I'm assuming you have something like this because of how the lines are broken apart in the stanzas). Rhythm and melody can be worked on later when you have more descriptions, metaphors, or sense to work with! Big suggestion I have is to write the song out in paragraph form, and try to be "grammatically correct", and read/whisper/sing it aloud to yourself. Then you can use commas and periods and all that stuff to really work on the "flow" of the piece, without being held back by the choices of line breaks you made before.

You have a lot of stuff going on here, and making it seem like more likely things for a person to say might make it feel more personal. If you read the lyrics of really great lyricists, you might find that they many of them read pleasantly "naturally".

Other examples I can imagine stronger sense in are: "This pain I'll overcome to set forth the healing and the freedom that'll come." While the themes you are mentioning are very imporProxy-Connection: keep-alive Cache-Control: max-age=0 nt, and make the piece interesting, words like "healing", "freedom", and "pain" are really pretty BIG words, if you know what I mean. It's like if you tell your friend you feel pain, they will not really know how much pain you are feeling or what kind of pain it is, or if you just say you wish you were more "free", they'd have no idea what kind of freedom you want. It's more effective to say something like "I keep daydreaming about stealing my parents car and just driving somewhere and never coming back." or "My sleepy eyes keep seeing all those kids play in the snow, and I want so bad to go outside with them. But then, I am too old, too tired, or too cold, wrapped up tight in these thoughts by the window pane." I'm not trying to rewrite your poem or say that it should be anything like what I wrote, but when then these thoughts came to my head, I was recalling my own longing for freedom and imaging things to embody those freedom and imply that I want it. I'm a big advocate of the stream of consciousness thing. Unconscious stuff is really powerful to people who actually know lyrics to songs. Don't feel intimidated to just write a bunch of "shit"!

I hope this helps you!

[shortone1320]

Thanks again, I'll definitly take it into consideration. Right now I'm actually putting this one to music, so we'll see how that comes out.

[Br&New4Life]

dang i actualy liked that it was really good.

[leezer]

Not very original metaphors, I actually didnt read it all because I got a bit bored. The form really annoyed me and seemed unnecessary.

[shortone1320]

dang i actualy liked that it was really good.

Thanks, that means alot

Not very original metaphors, I actually didnt read it all because I got a bit bored. The form really annoyed me and seemed unnecessary.

Not very original?
Which ones?
Where have you heard or seen them before?
plz it would help

[leezer]

the harsh winter? the warmth you want me to tell you where I've heard these metaphors before? REALLY?

[Kirsty.com]

Wow. I Like This A lot. Seems Like You Meant It. Good Work.

[shortone1320]

the harsh winter? the warmth you want me to tell you where I've heard these metaphors before? REALLY?

Yes, Where?

Wow. I Like This A lot. Seems Like You Meant It. Good Work.

and Thx, I Appreciate that. :-)