A Prayer

[as_we_learn]

Hey you guys it's JR trying to get some advice on some work. I've had massive writer's block and hopefully people let me know if I'm improving or not. Thanks guys.

Coffee steaming from it's ceramic case
on the table where someone silently quakes.
The ticks from the clock they keep him awake,
every single one a fraction of his soul
slowly being carried away to where he began.

Am I allowed to pass your gates?
Do you have the time to bathe
me until I can honestly say,
"I am no longer a creek in your floorboards
or a hole in your sinking ship"

Mothers crying out their eyes,
they can barely stand over heaven's bridge.
Praying that their holy sons will be
coming home so sound and safe.

I just wish you could see me like they once did.
'Cause I never felt as safe in your arms
when I died. Tonight is the night I.
Tonight is the night that I fall asleep
and dream of myself in a better life.

[Chigwinkle]

This is pretty cool but, like me, you give away to much information in your poetry. Try not to reveal everything too soon, I felt the beginning was good but you need to improve the last two stanzas.
For example:
'Cause I never felt as safe in your arms
when I died.' - This needs to be changed, don't just outright tell the reader that you're dead.

But, overall, this is an awesome piece of work from a recovering writer's block xD I especially liked the 2nd paragraph, keep up the good work:)