How to cure your gay son

[Vermillion]

http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=4694

It works everytime.

[viva la cymche!]

How to make your gay son hate America more than he already does.

[bung]

Man, that site is fucked up. Or at least the people who post there.

[JJJ]

This is terrible.

[fadedmemories]

On the subject of lesbianism:

Focus on the Family has pointed out that girls must be supervised by men when going to the bathroom to prevent any possibility of non hetero behavior. However, there is no need to be excessively worried about girls because they can be forcibly impregnated, that being their only purpose after all.

That is fucked up.

[viva la cymche!]

This is especially important, I think. When my son Joshua was thirteen, he started expressing a lot of interest in going over to girls' houses and "hanging out" with them, and I became very alarmed—I knew that having too many female friends is a big red warning sign that a boy is turning out gay. My husband and I refused to let him go near them and made him join the wrestling team so he wouldn't have any spare time during which he might be tempted to gossip about George Clooney. Then, one night, he came home from practice holding hands and chatting amicably with a girl from his class. I felt like I'd been shot—surely this was one of the "*** hags" our pastor had warned us about. We sat there stunned, trying to decide how to deal with this, while they went upstairs. After regaining our composure, we followed them up to Josh's room and heard them giggling together inside, probably ogling a center spread of Matthew McConaughey or some other "hunk." Gary smashed down the door and told the Jezebel to get off his property by the count of ten or else he'd strangle her (he has a way of exaggerating sometimes http://www.landoverbaptist.net/images/smilies/wink.gif). As she ran screaming from the room, Gary ripped off Joshua's gym shorts and boxers, gagged him with a tube sock, and pinned him down stomach-first on the carpet, then straddled him and started whipping his rear end with a leather belt. I quietly tiptoed downstairs and put the pepper steak on—Gary stayed up there and disciplined him for the next three or so hours.

Thanks to my husband's tough but tender love, we're pretty sure Joshua is going to turn out as straight and well-adjusted as one of Landover's pastors. Thank God! http://www.landoverbaptist.net/images/smilies/smile.gif



this has to be a joke. this has to be a joke. this cant be real. this has to be a fucking joke.

[acfrue]

i tend to ignore extremely devout babtists, expecially when their signatures are:




Who Will Jesus Damn?




Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:


Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)


Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net (PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net) TODAY!!





or http://blogs.westword.com/latestword/obama%20turban.jpg

Having second thoughts, America?
or hell even The only way to peace is through destroying your enemies!

[acfrue]

this has to be a joke. this has to be a joke. this cant be real. this has to be a fucking joke.
agreed. im at a loss of words after that story, that cant be real....can it?

[MarsEatWorld]

i tend to ignore extremely devout babtists, expecially when their signatures are:





or
or hell even
creepy!!

[acfrue]

uuuhhhhh, im afraid theyre fo' realz. click on the link that says "Noobs please read before posting" (spelled incorrectly btw, its spelled n00bs) under Pastor Billy-Reuben. you get this:



Do you think we are a parody?Perhaps you've heard that we are a joke, satire or parody, and you came to our site for a few cheap laughs or "lulz", only to find people taking everything seriously.

dont look at me, i just came for the lulz.

[samsara]

That is one of the dumbest things Ive ever heard. Ever.

[kaycey]

stop him from listening to lance bass. he is the devil.

LBC lol!

[singyoutocoma]

hahaha. This is definitely a parody. And it's an amusing one at that.
Do not use the information provided on this site unless you are a True Christian ™ who understands and accepts the risks of participating in these activities. When Satan took over voyforums he allowed anyone to post as anyone else in order to create demonic confusion and propagate hatred and dissent. We have solved that problem once and for all. When you register a username no one else can post as you! If they try, the Federal Department of Faith computer network will catch them and they will be banned forever.
The original Dobson quotes are really screwed up though.

EDIT: It is a parody. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Landover_Baptist_Church)

[resrchmnkygrl6]

hahaha. This is definitely a parody. And it's an amusing one at that.

The original Dobson quotes are really screwed up though.

EDIT: It is a parody. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Landover_Baptist_Church)
even though it may be fake, PEOPLE LIKE THAT EXIST.
and that's what's scary.

[TheOtherAndrew]

I love that the first poster in that thread is a Bobby Jindal supporter. Seriously, fuck that dude.

[BrennanHickson]

this has to be a joke. this has to be a joke. this cant be real. this has to be a fucking joke.

My husband and I refused to let him go near them and made him join the wrestling team so he wouldn't have any spare time during which he might be tempted to gossip about George Clooney.

Guys in tight clothing are going to alter this boy's sexual preference?

[singyoutocoma]

even though it may be fake, PEOPLE LIKE THAT EXIST.
and that's what's scary.
People like that are my grandparents, and believe me, I'm scared.

[Kassie09]

I should show that to my dad, my little brother seems to act a little..gay and it pisses me dad off, he would be one of the idiots to enjoy that website, it was seriously the dumbest thing ever.

[PadraicPrincess]

These people are so ignorant it astounds me. These are the people I fear.

[TalkShowsOnMute]

"I've always taken this approach with my sons. The last thing America needs is more males discovering the pleasures of butt-rubbing. Pity my prototype rectal chastity belts keep having wardrobe malfunctions. Sphincters are the main front of the War On Terror, if you ask me."

there's no way this site can be real. if it was real, this message wouldn't be worded in such a hilarious manner

[TalkShowsOnMute]

after reading a little more, its absolutely the most elaborate joke i have ever seen in my life. what gave it all away? The member "Mrs. Jemima Cameltoe Location: My Knees"

[thehereaway]

'Boys that are bright, precocious, social and relational, and artistically talented are not only gay, they're "bottom" gay.'

wow...so anyone who is remotely talented is gay? this site has got to be a joke...

EDIT: oh ok, its a joke. thats pretty dam funny then

[The Personist]

I lol'ed.

[harveymonster]

Is this for fucking real? This makes me so thankful my parents aren't fucking insane..

[The Personist]

To all the people who think this is real:

Read the wikipedia entry on Landover Baptist Church. It is a joke.

Of course, if you couldn't tell that by reading it, then you're probably an idiot. It's just very good satire.

[MarsEatWorld]

This reminds me of some South Park episode

[.invisible ink.]

To all the people who think this is real:

Read the wikipedia entry on Landover Baptist Church. It is a joke.

Of course, if you couldn't tell that by reading it, then you're probably an idiot. It's just very good satire.

this. i'm just posting because i like looking at my pretty new avatar, hehehe.

[MarsEatWorld]

this. i'm just posting because i like looking at my pretty new avatar, hehehe.
whoreface.

[circatbs]

this thread is full of lulz

[Mercy Medical]

Wait, is that website serious...?

[oncedarkness]

Wait, is that website serious...?

parody. you probably read that from the above posts already though

:shrug:

[Nerdy91]

Some religious people: Oh we are compassionate and understanding...as long as you do what we say! and also wtf is up with if a young boy wears mommy shoes slap him? stupid idiots

Focus on the Family has pointed out that girls must be supervised by men when going to the bathroom to prevent any possibility of non hetero behavior. However, there is no need to be excessively worried about girls because they can be forcibly impregnated, that being their only purpose after all.
this especially makes me mad anyone want to knock me up? that is my only purpose after all.

glad this is a parody!

[ides of march]

such an obvious joke

[viva la cymche!]

http://www.landoverbaptist.net/images/smilies/sinner.gif

[admkbl]

I wish Focus on the Family was a parody...

[lbopm]

no it's a joke website. here's a site of christians wanting the site offline...

http://objectiveministries.org/shutdown/

[chrisstahl]

this has to be a joke. this has to be a joke. this cant be real. this has to be a fucking joke.

seriously what i was thinking. this can't actually be real

[remedyeli]

no it's a joke website. here's a site of christians wanting the site offline...

http://objectiveministries.org/shutdown/


Link to Landover Baptist website (http://www.landoverbaptist.org/)
WARNING: Should not be viewed by anyone under 21





According to that site, you're suggested to wait 3 years later after the suggested porn viewing age.

[resrchmnkygrl6]

People like that are my grandparents, and believe me, I'm scared.
that's sad.. but if you look on the bright side: they'll be dead soon.
but on the sadder note, they'll be dead soon.

good luck on deciding which side to look on. =]

[singyoutocoma]

that's sad.. but if you look on the bright side: they'll be dead soon.
but on the sadder note, they'll be dead soon.

good luck on deciding which side to look on. =]
Thanks, I'll need it. Yesterday my mom told me that my grandfather was going to die soon, and I had that exact internal conflict. So I prayed a lot and wound up being sad about it all. Of course, tomorrow I have to go have lunch with him, so after that, I'll probably be back to thinking he's an arrogant bastard who's a waste of oxygen.

[resrchmnkygrl6]

Thanks, I'll need it. Yesterday my mom told me that my grandfather was going to die soon, and I had that exact internal conflict. So I prayed a lot and wound up being sad about it all. Of course, tomorrow I have to go have lunch with him, so after that, I'll probably be back to thinking he's an arrogant bastard who's a waste of oxygen.
well, i'd assume that'd only to be natural to be sad about any loved one's passing. even through all the stuff it sounds like he's giving you, i think it's safe to assume you still care about the man..try your best to enjoy your lunch is all i can say.. i mean, i've abandoned all my friends because they're complete idiots. and then i go home and tell my dad that and he says that i shouldn't let it get to me because all my life i'll have encounters with stupid people and i'll just have to deal with it.basically: if i keep abandoning stupid people, i'll be alone all my life

idk..try to apply that to your situation?

[TWloveonherarms]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Michigan

Our public school system in our town is trying to get the kids to eat healthy. Although I support their efforts I ran into a situation this week and wondered if they were within their rights or violating mine.

They have instituted a policy that AM snack can only be a fruit or veggie. Parents must provide the snack, it does not come from the school. I was under the assumption that this was a guidline and on Friday my son informed me that the snack I had been sending was not enough. We had leftover pizza from the night before and he asked if he could take a piece. I didn't feel that this was a bad choice. When he came home that afternoon he pulled the pizza out of his bag and told me that he was not allowed to eat it as it was not a piece of fruit or veggie as mandated by the policy.

Can they do this?


Good True Christian™ Friends, what we have here is a full-scale demonic attack upon True Christians™. When my dear friend Mr. Nobar King showed me this piece, I felt it prudent to warn you all! The Heathens are invading Public Schools and forcing our young boys to eat sissy salads, gay grapes and sodomite celery. Meanwhile, our girls are forced to consume phallic-symbolic bananas, in a truly disgusting and ill-disguised attempt at teaching them to...well, I dare not say it.

It is time to take a stand! Their demonic plan about eating grapes and bananas will soon come to fruition! Our boys are being taught to be gay, and our girls Catlick-loving promiscuous whores. We will have no grandchildren, no more True Christians™. In Landover, the Church could be deserted in 40 years!

Parents, bring your children home to homeschool, feed them good American food! Fat-laden French fries, greasy hamburgers, sugary Coke, and chocolate biscuits. Watch them thrive.



dude...at least it's a joke.
http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=15495

[Vermillion]

Sodomite celery.


lol

[Bingham88]

people like this make me ashamed for believeing in God

[Magnus]

Hot

[boykosaurus]

This is the sickest stuff I've ever seen.

[johnh5304]

This is just incredibly stupid.

[Machu505]

Epic lulz at Bobby Jindal.

[more heart]

i hope these people die miserably. fucking homophobes!

[resrchmnkygrl6]

idk if this was posted yet, but it stood out to me. pedo????
Brother Jeb, I'm all over that. My daughters never get a moment alone without me being there. Or at least one of my male servants. http://www.landoverbaptist.net/images/smilies/thumbsup.gif

[Charles777]

I was in that website for 5 seconds and I wanted to kill somebody.
:/

[cupcakeomg]

Oh so you're saying you're a girl? Sorry, I stand corrected! What does 'meep' in your signature stand for? I see you are from Canada, so what would you know about homers in the US military, missy?

wtf do they think we live in fucking igloos, and ride fucking polar bears everywhere?
some people are so ignorant, like america is the only place in the world with tvs and a news paper or whatever.

(sorry if someone had alreayd posted something like that)

[4N6 science]

America is great though you gotta give us that.

[cupcakeomg]

America is great though you gotta give us that.

yes it is, but then you have the ignorant people that ruin it all.
my friend moved to wissconsin and they asked her the dumbest questions like is it winter all year around and when ever she says something they tell her to shut up because shes a stupid canadian

[4N6 science]

yes it is, but then you have the ignorant people that ruin it all.
my friend moved to wissconsin and they asked her the dumbest questions like is it winter all year around and when ever she says something they tell her to shut up because shes a stupid canadian


yeah ignorant people will do that.

[cupcakeomg]

ahaha, i'm so slow for not realising that the site was fake.

but sadly, there still is people like that out there.

[silentstar1134]

ahaha, i'm so slow for not realising that the site was fake.

but sadly, there still is people like that out there.

I am a Christian and I want to Keep them as far away from me as possible.