Silent Night

[alyricman]

Please comment this. This song is about lovers and unlawful love. If you see any spelling or grammar mistake tell me. Please tell me what do you think.

Silent Night

I can see your eyes
Dawn turned on lights
I can feel your body
More and more tense (moody)

I'm inhaling your breath
It smells of regret
I can't give you anything
While you don't say something

Show me something new
How I can reach my view
Show me something old
Like when we won the gold

Old is ten commandments of god
Then we can be soldiers in love
We will never be free
If we don't break the chains of steel

(Chorus)
In silent night
Only we are together
In silent night
Only our eyes shine (lights)

In vacant room
We are worried about our history
Is it approval or doom
Or dawn coming with new story

Your heart is stony
But your lungs need oxygen
Your body is bony
And your hair is waxen

I want to relegate fears
But you can't stop tears
I want to turn back time
So that we don't have trouble tonight

(Chorus)
Tonight in silent night
Only we are together
In silent night
Only our eyes shine
In blind, deaf and dumb room
We don't need nobody's rules
And love will come in first plan
To link together our separate ways

(bridge)
I hope
You are really ready tonight
And you'll be knocking on my door
I know
You will leave yourLord
And you'll come to my bosom
I'll be waiting
For your knock, knock, knock
On the door of my love
And we will be together tonight
Tonight

(Chorus)
In silent night
Only we are together
In silent night

In blind, deaf and dumb room
We don't need nobody's rules
Between rough, stiff and black walls
We don't need nobody's laws

Even if you
Even if I
Even if love falls apart
Together we will touch the sky
And catch all stars above us

The sky of silent night
You and I together
In silent night

What's happened with you?
I want to know the truth
What's happened with me?
I say its a thrill



What chorus is better?:

In silent night
We are bright with starlight
In silent night
We are winners in all fights

OR

In silent night
Only we are together
In silent night
Only our eyes shine

[alyricman]

Please comment.

[squeakers18]

wow that is really good i like the first ending chours then the second

[thespearkid]

It's too simple. Your rhymes are awkward.

[alyricman]

Thespearkid, please tell me why do you think this... Tell me what is wrong in this lyric.

[thespearkid]

Thespearkid, please tell me why do you think this... Tell me what is wrong in this lyric.
What do you mean? Why do I think it's too simple and your rhymes are awkward? Because the rhyme scheme is the same thing over and over again (single-syllable word at the end of a line rhymes with single-syllable word at the end of a line is the kind of thing they taught in kindergarten) and it doesn't have the natural flow that a poem should have.