Facebook... Yes, It Is What You Think....

[shortone1320]

Another late night up, so I decided to put the final touches on my new song. This one is a little more humorous... Influenced by Something Coporate's Drunk Girl, Say Anything, Stephen Lynch and others, I have created this humorous ode to Facebook( Its meant to be somewhat humorous, so please take it as such). I actually enjoy using facebook, and so does everyone I know so here it is: (comment if would please) enjoy: :-d
(and no this does not describe any actual event, its completely fiction)

Facebook- An Act Of Desperation.

Just comin' off someone
off to ease my mind when I'm done
checking, reading,
replying, editing
and updating
my status and profile
to fulfill
my online internet addiction
Left hateful messages in her wall
and I began to scroll
but stopped when I saw you
on 'people you may know'
You're a friend of a friend
and I want you to be mine

Chorus:
I've Never met you
yet already love you
I want you
Don't need to look
'cause I found you on Facebook

Sent a friend request
and waited anxiously
for you to accept
you did unknowingly
then expressed my love feverishly
through a message of not so many words
and hoping for our worlds
to collide.

Chorus

Wrote your wall everyday
'superpoked' you often
joined every group
just to be associated with you
I even joined
'a millon strong for feminism'
They only totaled ten
but I hope its enough
to get my point across

Chorus

You deleted me then
when I proposed
a restrianing order would fit
I suppose
But that won't stop me
I'll just create another account
and make this one count
'cause you can't stop love
and without you
I'm left black and blue

Yet,
Everywhere else
there's no need to look
I've found you here
on Facebook
I already love you
even though.
I don't even know you.


Please tell me what you think, think I should add something, think I should give it up tell me anything is welcome and apreciated. thx for reading...:-p

[andrew4045]

get out much?

[swt_catastrophe]

/stalker

[shortone1320]

things get scary when i get bored, we haven't had a day of school since the middle of december.... stupid snow, so i decided to ease my boredom by writing this.. No I am not a stalker....however this song is also inspired by my friends who call the news feed feature on facebook, the stalker feature...

[cris545]

I can't take a song about Facebook seriously...

[patpratt]

I can't take a song about Facebook seriously...

this

[shortone1320]

Its not suppose to be taken seriously....

[Mufasa23]

I think this is really funny, ahha.

[shortone1320]

I think this is really funny, ahha.
Thanks
and about time some1 saw it as just a joke,
if you guys a more serious one check my other song..

[Killyoursound]

Made me smile :)

[shortone1320]

Made me smile :)

thanks a bunch.

[shortone1320]

come on you guys, know you want to read and comment. :-)

[a speedo model]

Was it supposed to be funny?

[RunInTheFront]

Was it supposed to be funny?

This.

And, if this is really a song, I have to ask: are you serious?

[shortone1320]

yes its suppose to be funny and no you r not suppose to take it seriously
if you want something more serious check my other song out on the forum search 'Winter Rain'

[a speedo model]

People need to work harder on these "funny" pieces. They seem to think that since one isn't intended to take it seriously that the piece can be poorly written and lacking in any wit. These pieces can be critiqued as well, and this one for what it is, is still bad.

[wyverna]

This reminds me of a lesser version of GCH's new friend request.

[shortone1320]

I'll be happy to take any critques, I want to get better anything will help

[iHATEapril]

come on.

[yournewhaircut]

People need to work harder on these "funny" pieces. They seem to think that since one isn't intended to take it seriously that the piece can be poorly written and lacking in any wit. These pieces can be critiqued as well, and this one for what it is, is still bad.

How is that supposed to help?


Anyway, I think a speedo model almost has a valid point which is that you can sculpt this to make it more "witty", as in, like, biting humor. This piece starts out silly then gradually gets more creepy. The creepy part is where the wit really needs to kick in, so the creepiness can be subverted into humor in a simple, easy to understand and funny way. I think one of the best ways to do this would be to make it seem less creepy than it is, aka to use a euphemism. Really there's all kinds of things you can do!
Some words kind of make me stumble and not laugh. With "I already love you", 'already' kind of slows down the speech of the reader and gives the impression that the speaker understands the absurdity of his love. It'd probably be funnier not to say "already", and it sounds more powerful too to say "I love you". Hope this helps!

[shortone1320]

How is that supposed to help?


Anyway, I think a speedo model almost has a valid point which is that you can sculpt this to make it more "witty", as in, like, biting humor. This piece starts out silly then gradually gets more creepy. The creepy part is where the wit really needs to kick in, so the creepiness can be subverted into humor in a simple, easy to understand and funny way. I think one of the best ways to do this would be to make it seem less creepy than it is, aka to use a euphemism. Really there's all kinds of things you can do!
Some words kind of make me stumble and not laugh. With "I already love you", 'already' kind of slows down the speech of the reader and gives the impression that the speaker understands the absurdity of his love. It'd probably be funnier not to say "already", and it sounds more powerful too to say "I love you". Hope this helps!

Thanks a bunch. You seem to have some good knowledge and are willing to help. could you please check out my other one and leave feedback. That would be much appreciated, its called "winter rain". I am anixous to hear what you have to say for that one. Please and thanks again....

[shortone1320]

http://www.absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?t=742432&highlight=winter

[a speedo model]

How is that supposed to help?


Anyway, I think a speedo model almost has a valid point which is that you can sculpt this to make it more "witty", as in, like, biting humor. This piece starts out silly then gradually gets more creepy. The creepy part is where the wit really needs to kick in, so the creepiness can be subverted into humor in a simple, easy to understand and funny way. I think one of the best ways to do this would be to make it seem less creepy than it is, aka to use a euphemism. Really there's all kinds of things you can do!
Some words kind of make me stumble and not laugh. With "I already love you", 'already' kind of slows down the speech of the reader and gives the impression that the speaker understands the absurdity of his love. It'd probably be funnier not to say "already", and it sounds more powerful too to say "I love you". Hope this helps!
I was not critiquing the piece but rather commenting on how when negative feedback is given the writer will state something similiar to "it's not serious" or "it's only a joke" as if because it is intented to be satirical it is then free from critique.

[yournewhaircut]

I was not critiquing the piece but rather commenting on how when negative feedback is given the writer will state something similiar to "it's not serious" or "it's only a joke" as if because it is intented to be satirical it is then free from critique.

I have a bad habit of making rash judgments, I'm sorry for being expressing my contention like that. You did make a few valid points there. It just felt kind of inappropriate to me because it was kind of indirectly referencing the piece, and didn't seem 100% relevant to me, thus perhaps slightly disrespectful to the spirit of the piece. I feel like the way I tried to express this was just as irrelevant, and more inappropriate to the thread. Sorry. I really don't like talking about anything but the piece itself in a thread, and really shouldn't judge people morally on the internet!

[shortone1320]

Thanks for the input. lifes been crazy but i found time to fix some of the stuff pointed out