Quotations and Nouns

[TK]

"There is this woman I've been seeing, sort of, for the past couple of months.
She is actually, more of a girl, a teenage girl. My conscious, however, prefers lady or woman.
Those sort of nouns, that dialect, helps ease my conscious about the age difference.
Notice the key word in this paragraph is nouns.
Nouns, nouns, nouns. This woman is not worth a name, not worth a proper noun;
She is not even worth the capitalized letters that accompany them.
She is gorgeous, very gorgeous but to be perfectly honest, completely worthless.
She means nothing to me.
That fact makes her obsession with me even more ironic.
I laugh, it is in those moments that humour really shines.
Although, I suppose obsession is a bit common with what's right, what's wrong with me.
There is just this fascination towards different, towards variation, towards not being normal.
You see, I have four legs. Of course now, two of them are as useless as these ladies I toy with.
The other two keep myself moving, they are round and round out my balance and imperfections.
This, of course, is just some pretty way to say I am a cripple, just another pathetic attempt to try to paint something that is ugly, beautiful, with only a couple of adjectives and verbs.
I suppose this gift of mine is what captivates these girls, I mean ladies.
Perhaps it is also my musical attribute that contributes to my musical skills the most.
I could scream incoherent words and sentences, while missing notes on the guitar or misreading a drum notation, all the while convincing you this incredible music.
That I am a incredible musician. That I am incredible person.
That same talent can convince this woman that when I'm talking to her on the phone, listening to her problems and her constant complaining, that I really care.
I don't.
I just want her in bed.
While I might be arrogant, do not believe for a second that she has enough self worth to doubt my intentions.
I can see it in her eyes, read it on her hands and arms, hear it in her words when she constantly, foolishly, forgives me.
Over and over and over she does it.
She has too much of a need to be love, too big of a desire to find the best in people, and too ambitious and idiotic thoughts that tell her she can bring out the best in them, the best in me.
No, I think I can keep this charade up with this woman for a long time. I'm not so sure about the other ladies..."

[erringtonavenue]

very well written. one of the best things ive read on here..i dont no if ud take that as a compliment tho

[TK]

very well written. one of the best things ive read on here..i dont no if ud take that as a compliment tho

Thank you, I appreciate those kind words. I definitely wouldn't take this as a insult, lol, thanks.

[Chigwinkle]

This is a good piece of writing.
I thought the beggining was quite bland, and 'She is nothing to me'' was slightly cliche, but after that the piece really begins to show itself. Some of the imagery about the 4 legs was really cool, and the emotion portrayed at the end is a really nice conclusion.

Keep up the good work, buddy.

[TK]

This is a good piece of writing.
I thought the beggining was quite bland, and 'She is nothing to me'' was slightly cliche, but after that the piece really begins to show itself. Some of the imagery about the 4 legs was really cool, and the emotion portrayed at the end is a really nice conclusion.

Keep up the good work, buddy.

It is a bit cliche. Thanks for the feedback and kind words, I appreciate it

[OveriseFan]

It's so bland. There's no mystery. You're just telling us things.

I don't know, I find it really boring. It's got a decent idea, but needs far better execution. There's zero mystery, and it's not very "poetic" at all (even if that was intentional, the way you approach it leaves a lot to be desired.).

Hopefully you can do something with this, it's a good idea, I just want to not be told everything point blank.

[thespearkid]

Am I supposed to hate the protagonist? haha. I've gotta compliment you on the character, as I'm conflicted to whether I should feel bad for him being handicapped or hate him for being an ass. But I just prefer more/any poetic devices.

[TK]

It's so bland. There's no mystery. You're just telling us things.

I don't know, I find it really boring. It's got a decent idea, but needs far better execution. There's zero mystery, and it's not very "poetic" at all (even if that was intentional, the way you approach it leaves a lot to be desired.).

Hopefully you can do something with this, it's a good idea, I just want to not be told everything point blank.

I don't think you've ever cared too much for my work, ha. I understand your criticism completely, and reading it now, I can see what you mean and I agree. Although this wasn't meant to be poetic. Thanks for the feedback James, I appreciate it. Hopefully in the next couple weeks I can revise this into a different style while keeping the gist of the stuff in there, because while it might be bland, I like the meaning I'm trying to put behind it. So thanks again.

Am I supposed to hate the protagonist? haha. I've gotta compliment you on the character, as I'm conflicted to whether I should feel bad for him being handicapped or hate him for being an ass. But I just prefer more/any poetic devices.

Ha, well, yes. The point of this was for the reader to hate him. I was trying to emphasize on his flaws and all his shallow motives. As for poetic devices, I never took a poetry class, haha, but if I rework this, the style will be far different in this, and mostly broken into stanzas. Thanks for the comments Dion.

[bootsydan]

Kinda feels like a diary entry that you've decided has interesting thoughts that you've then decided you want to show people, but you know you cant just show your diary entries to people cause a) they won't care unless they know you well and/or b) because diary entries are often just thoughts scribbled down in a non sensical fashion that mean nothing much to anyone but you. So to show people your thoughts and feelings you then tried to turn it into something meaningful and relatable like a poem, but didn't know how to make a poem out of these thoughts and feelings, so you wrote more of a prose type piece and made it about a different character - therefore it didn't have to be particularly poetic, and could actually earn points for 'artistic integrity' (you know, because it's about a cripple character, and its not quite poetry/not quite a diary entry.)

Forgive me if I'm completely wrong - but I found this very un-enlightening. I think if you are going to try and tackle a style like this you really have to have something worth saying. I agree with James' comment 100%.

I don't like giving you negative feedback, cause you seem like a good guy who's always trying his best.

However:

just another pathetic attempt to try to paint something that is ugly, beautiful

Sometimes I feel like this is what you are trying to do with a lot of the stuff you post. Not directly make ugly things beautiful. But rather take your plain run-of-the-mill thoughts and try and give them some extra meaning or something. Again, forgive me if I am completely wrong (and I do know what I said is a contradiction, because the best poetry is obviously just someone's thoughts written in a very interesting or meaningful way). But sometimes I do feel like you try a bit too hard.

[TK]

Kinda feels like a diary entry that you've decided has interesting thoughts that you've then decided you want to show people, but you know you cant just show your diary entries to people cause a) they won't care unless they know you well and/or b) because diary entries are often just thoughts scribbled down in a non sensical fashion that mean nothing much to anyone but you. So to show people your thoughts and feelings you then tried to turn it into something meaningful and relatable like a poem, but didn't know how to make a poem out of these thoughts and feelings, so you wrote more of a prose type piece and made it about a different character - therefore it didn't have to be particularly poetic, and could actually earn points for 'artistic integrity' (you know, because it's about a cripple character, and its not quite poetry/not quite a diary entry.)

Forgive me if I'm completely wrong - but I found this very un-enlightening. I think if you are going to try and tackle a style like this you really have to have something worth saying. I agree with James' comment 100%.

I don't like giving you negative feedback, cause you seem like a good guy who's always trying his best.

However:



Sometimes I feel like this is what you are trying to do with a lot of the stuff you post. Not directly make ugly things beautiful. But rather take your plain run-of-the-mill thoughts and try and give them some extra meaning or something. Again, forgive me if I am completely wrong (and I do know what I said is a contradiction, because the best poetry is obviously just someone's thoughts written in a very interesting or meaningful way). But sometimes I do feel like you try a bit too hard.

Ha, it's not a diary entry. It's about a real person.I understand your criticism though. And don't worry about giving me negative feedback, if the stuff is shit, it is shit, regardless of rather the person who wrote it is a good person or not.

And I dont' disagree with your assesment that I try too hard, I try to impress people, or a person, and probably do try too hard. One of my many flaws in writing I would say.

Thanks Tim.