'A' Is For 'Apple'

[stendhal]

You were marked down 'T' for 'Tardy'
When you burst in from the hall,
Fashionable, during role call
But you can't be blamed for being late,
It's the composer's fault.

Scold the happenstance
Of the alphabet
Reproach the letter, the zealot
For beginning your name
And just as early, he took place
In a succession of twenty-six
Far too early in the list.

While we're passing blame
The same as strangers in the train
Let's throw more stones through the boxcar
Like we're bored and skipping them in the summer

Neglect the wolf at the throat of the sheep
He simply had instinct
The sheep, he was meek
He was timid, he was weak
Standing ignorant by the creek
So don't blame the wolf
For willingness to maim and maul
He only had to eat
It was the hunger's fault.

[eliselovesmusic]

Hey,
I really like this... "It was the hunger's fault" is a great line :)

I'm sensing you're in High School right?

[stendhal]

Ha ha... no, no... not in high school.

I hope that your reasoning behind that assumption was based on the first stanza and not the maturity of the writing.

The first stanza is basically just another example of how blame can be shifted by perspective. If you came in during role call, and your last name starts with an 'a', then you'd be marked different than if you came in with a last name that started with 'z'.

I'm very glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Means a lot.

[thespearkid]

Not bad at all. I liked it. In fact, as I sit here reading through it for my third or fourth time, I'm starting to love it.

You were marked down 'T' for 'Tardy'
When you burst in from the hall,
Fashionable, during role call
But you can't be blamed
For being late,
It's the composer's fault.

I'm not a huge fan of the line structure between lines four and five. I just don't like it when thoughts are cut off for the sake of starting a new line as it interrupts of the flow for the reader. But I love lines two and three. The thought of being "fashionably late" to class is funny.

Scold the happenstance
Of the alphabet
Reproach the letter, the zealot
For beginning your name
And just as early, he took place
In a succession of twenty-six
Far too early in the list.

Ah, very good. The humor of the protagonist to be so hesitant to accept the blame of his/her tardiness to actually blame the alphabet itself.

While we're passing blame
The same as strangers in the train
Let's throw more stones through the boxcar
Like we're bored and skipping them in the summer

Excellent stanza. I wish the fourth line of this stanza was a little stronger though. It works well this way but I feel like it could've been a lot better.

Neglect the wolf at the throat of the sheep
He simply had instinct
The sheep, he was meek
He was timid, he was weak
Standing ignorant by the creek
So don't blame the wolf
For willingness to maim and maul
He only had to eat
It was the hunger's fault.

And the humor is gone and the reader is forced to really think about the nature of instinct. Where the blame game has been thrown around before by the protagonist, here, he/she has taken a more mature direction, remaining in the theme of the poem. Really, this is very good.

[stendhal]

You made my night, my friend.

I agree with every single critique. I think I'm going to move lines four and five together. Hopefully then it won't interrupt the pace for the reader.

I'll try to make the "Like we're bored..." line stronger. I like what it means, but you're right, it could be A LOT better.

I'm glad that you saw the humor in this piece. Actually, I don't think that any of my work has ever been as understood as this was by yourself.

Thanks again. Much appreciated.

[thespearkid]

You're very welcome.

[lew_1987]

This seemed to lose its place a little in the middle, but picked itself back up again with the last couple of lines. Infact, I really love the last paragraph on second read.

[TK]

I've always enjoyed your writing, keep this up

[stendhal]

This seemed to lose its place a little in the middle, but picked itself back up again with the last couple of lines. In fact, I really love the last paragraph on second read.


I know what you mean, I think. The middle was supposed to serve as more of a transition from humor to the actual point of the piece. I futzed with it for a while but was unable to come up with any decent changes. And as per usual, thanks for reading, Lew.

[stendhal]

I've always enjoyed your writing, keep this up


Wow... thanks... I will. And thanks for taking the time to read.