Bells & Us

[nkalldayyy]

the way your blood pumps in my chest
knots my spine in and out of delicate bows
I can still feel my pulse slowing like the breakdown
I can still feel the earth spinning
slow like a moss would seep
your hands in my hair
pulling strands like church bells as
my jaw falls down so
I can scream notes like freedom bells
bring you your morning bells
say the word, say the word
as we move like a metronome
every touch, they're all bruises now
my skin tightens so my bones can feel you
we're folding together like paper cards
I lay with you today, as I will die in your arms.


*sorry, I never punctuate. =/

[thespearkid]

Read this out loud and ask yourself if it makes any sense.

[nkalldayyy]

Read this out loud and ask yourself if it makes any sense.

just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it doesn't make sense.

[thespearkid]

just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it doesn't make sense.
If you're writing for an audience (which you obviously are since you posted it here) if they don't understand it, you might as well not be making any sense at all. Will post a breakdown soon.

[nkalldayyy]

If you're writing for an audience (which you obviously are since you posted it here) if they don't understand it, you might as well not be making any sense at all. Will post a breakdown soon.

its all about how you look at it. poetry is about taking something of your own out from it. if I wrote a full description of what I mean by every line, I might as well be writing prose. make your own interpretation, but it makes sense. I spent a lot of time writing it, I know what every line is implying. if you need a full description to insure your understanding, then that can be supplied through PM.

[thespearkid]

the way your blood pumps in my chest
knots my spine in and out of delicate bows
I can still feel my pulse slowing like the breakdown
I can still feel the earth spinning
Now, I'm not thick headed at all when it comes to reading comprehension but I don't see how this makes any sense at all. It's as if you took four different lines from four different poems and put them together at once. It's just a bunch of meaningless, vaguely poetic-sounding phrases that don't really form a coherent thought.

slow like a moss would seep
your hands in my hair
pulling strands like church bells as
my jaw falls down so
I can scream notes like freedom bells
bring you your morning bells
You're taking things that should've been one line and turning them into two. Breaking up lines 3, 4, and 5 completely disrupts any flow you could've had there by making the reader pause. It's like if I were to...

type just...

like this.

say the word, say the word
as we move like a metronome
every touch, they're all bruises now
my skin tightens so my bones can feel you
we're folding together like paper cards
I lay with you today, as I will die in your arms.

First of all, say what word? What has become bruises now? Why is the main character convinced that he/she will die inside this other person's arms? You still haven't done a decent job and letting the reader know what's going on. Think about it. We don't know who the character is, who they're speaking to, what they're speaking about, etc. There's no narrative.

[thespearkid]

its all about how you look at it. poetry is about taking something of your own out from it. if I wrote a full description of what I mean by every line, I might as well be writing prose. make your own interpretation, but it makes sense. I spent a lot of time writing it, I know what every line is implying. if you need a full description to insure your understanding, then that can be supplied through PM.
I have no doubt that it all has a meaning but what good does it do anyone if you're the only one who knows what it's about? Why would anyone care to read your poetry if it only speaks to you?

[thespearkid]

I won't quote your post since you're planning on deleting it but with the explanation, it's easier to piece together but without it, I was completely lost. You should try and make your narrative clearer. :shrug:

[nkalldayyy]

I won't quote your post since you're planning on deleting it but with the explanation, it's easier to piece together but without it, I was completely lost. You should try and make your narrative clearer. :shrug:

thanks, you should check out some other things I posted in here. they're in my recent threads on my profile. I guess I didn't think a narritive was needed since usually my writting isn't that complex. I just try to write what I feel but with a subject like this I guess my feelings are a little sronger than usual.

thank you for being honest though, I appreciate it. : )