The World is a Wasteland

[Twikki]

[verse1]
there’s an aging tree on the hillside
looking down on us all
when it falls, no one will hear it
when it falls, everyone will know


[verse2]
paper roads, torn up and folded
nowhere to go from here
when we leave, no one will notice
when we leave the world falls apart


[verse3]
in the lake where we lay together
holding hands nervously
if we kiss, will anyone think different-ly
if we kiss, are we gone for good?


[bridge]
and these birds are the body
taken down with a stone
the person unconcious
on the end of the phone
the cure for a sad, shattered
bittersweet frown
the feelings you hide
the wishes wrote down


[bridge2]
soft kisses cry in the cold winter snow
a lover left lost who is looking for home
the bridge between clouds broke down tumbled and fell
all angels who cross it now buried to hell


[outro]
the world is a wasteland.

[squeakers18]

wow that is good i really liked the whole thing

[Twikki]

wow that is good i really liked the whole thing

you, are a good person.

anything i could improve though?

[DaKilla623]

Very poetic

were you by any chance inspired by the great T.S. Eliot

[patpratt]

and these birds are the body
taken down with a stone
the person unconcious
on the end of the phone
the cure for a sad, shattered
bittersweet frown
the feelings you hide
the wishes wrote down

very good.

[squeakers18]

umm i dont really see anything you need to improve. but then again i could be not seeing it i dont know but thanks for sayin i'm a good person good poem thing

[Chigwinkle]

I quite like this, it's simple, effective and meaningful.

'when it falls, no one will hear it'- I thought this was slightly cliche. But the verse itself is nice.
'soft kisses cry in the cold winter snow' - I wasn't too sure about this line. I thought it broke the continuity of the piece because it's a bit bland, we know that the snow is cold- how about using another adjective?

My favourite verse was the 2nd one; some really nice imagery with the paper road. Also, I think verse 3 would make a nice chorus if you going to make one.

[Twikki]

Very poetic

were you by any chance inspired by the great T.S. Eliot

i haven't really read any of his books yet, any book that you prefer?

I quite like this, it's simple, effective and meaningful.

'when it falls, no one will hear it'- I thought this was slightly cliche. But the verse itself is nice.
'soft kisses cry in the cold winter snow' - I wasn't too sure about this line. I thought it broke the continuity of the piece because it's a bit bland, we know that the snow is cold- how about using another adjective?

My favourite verse was the 2nd one; some really nice imagery with the paper road. Also, I think verse 3 would make a nice chorus if you going to make one.


'when it falls...', i dont know where this came from but i just instantly feel it's from the saying 'if a tree falls and nobody is there to hear it then what sound does it make?'
i will try and think of a better word for cold, i was looking for a k sound though so it's sort of like an adjective
thanks for the feedback though =]

i intentionally wrote the song with no chorus, i just felt like experimenting with my writing a bit more rather than verse, chorus, verse chorus, bridge etc

[Chigwinkle]

Ah cool, yeah thats fair enough about the chorus thing. Good work.

[a speedo model]

[verse1]
there’s an aging tree on the hillside
looking down on us all
when it falls, no one will hear it
when it falls, everyone will know

I really like the first line, was a nice beginning with imagery that caught my interest. I did not really like the following lines, all three seemed pale in comparision and were underwhelming. They didn't seem to really carry it on as a strong intro verse, but instead were fairly basic thoughts that didn't hold my attention like they ought to have.

[verse2]
paper roads, torn up and folded
nowhere to go from here
when we leave, no one will notice
when we leave the world falls apart

Love the first three lines, excellent imagery and really strong ideas. I like how this moves, very subtle and careful, yet very thoughtful. The last line, however, seemed far too simple and perhaps cliche, simply not a good ending to an excellent verse.


[verse3]
in the lake where we lay together
holding hands nervously
if we kiss, will anyone think different-ly
if we kiss, are we gone for good?
This is as a whole pretty solid. Really like the first three lines, especially the second, here again the last line as whole doesn't end the verse on its best foot. It isn't bad necessarily, but more seems to be a step down.


[bridge]
and these birds are the body
taken down with a stone
the person unconcious
on the end of the phone
the cure for a sad, shattered
bittersweet frown
the feelings you hide
the wishes wrote down

First part, four lines, are quite good. Again, simple and subtle flow. The pacing is excellent. The second part, last four lines, were alright but weren't very memorable or interesting. Not bad, but still they almost needed to be better. Starting a verse or bridge on the right foot is critical, which you do very well, but ending is just as important if not more important. You should try focussing on that, perhaps.


[bridge2]
soft kisses cry in the cold winter snow
a lover left lost who is looking for home
the bridge between clouds broke down tumbled and fell
all angels who cross it now buried to hell

The flow here is great, excellent pacing. But the imagery was as a whole nothing special, I wasn't a huge fan of anything in particular. It had a feeling of being very familiar, as if I'd heard it before a bunch of times. This could use some work.

[outro]
the world is a wasteland.
An interesting finale to the song, I think I like it. Not sure. It is a very simple thought, short and to the point that taken in the context of the piece can be quite great. But still not sure if I LIKE it, haha.

Overall, very good piece. You have trouble closing verses strongly, they all seem to fizzle out after starting strongly. But overall good imagery and great flow. Keep it up.

[lew_1987]

Didn't like Verse 1, liked Verse 2, Verse 3 was alright, Bridge was great, Bridge 2 was OK, Outro was good. Forgive me for not saying much more than that, I find it hard to get into poetry these days.

[LadyMoonLove]

soft kisses cry in the cold winter snow
a lover left lost who is looking for home
the bridge between clouds broke down tumbled and fell
all angels who cross it now buried to hell

I like this part very Much, and the last two lines are Great
Good job, I hope i will not aaffend you buy saying this, the vers 1 is so so.

There’s an aging tree on the hillside
looking down on us all
when it falls, no one will hear it
when it falls, everyone will know

how can it fall and not hear but it fall evryone knows it, it dosent make any sense. Maybe to you but if you what people to understand you should make it more understandable. I dont even make sense:-| Haha 8-)

paper roads, torn up and folded
nowhere to go from here
when we leave, no one will notice
when we leave the world falls apart

And this is okay, I kinda like it :)
I wish you the very best and keep up the good work :peace: :celebrate:

I like the emotions :D thre fun

[DejaNew]

man that's a fuckin killer bridge!

[DejaNew]

Didn't like Verse 1, liked Verse 2, Verse 3 was alright, Bridge was great, Bridge 2 was OK, Outro was good. Forgive me for not saying much more than that, I find it hard to get into poetry these days.
i was thinking the same thing.

[xidreamofyou32x]

I really like this