Need your opinion on a song I wrote for my Ex.

[desipunk7]

Ok, so I am not a song writer, I just wanted to write something for my ex. You'll see a lot of John Mayer verses, I'm not plagiarizing. Thats just cause it's what we used to listen to mostly together, and I just wanted to make it kinda personal like that. I swear I'm not gonna make any kind of profit out of this. But I need your opinion on the bold lines. I guess just want to know which ones flow/sound better.



Wherever I go,
Whatever I do,
I wonder where I am in my relationship to you.
Wherever you go,
Wherever you are,
I’ll watch your life play out in pictures from afar

I remember how the sunset
made the “Clear water” turn orange,
And that you like your clothes pink
And your walls yellow but Roses orange.

And I wish you were here tonight
Under the moon lit sky
I wish you were here tonight
But I guess this is goodbye.

Just like my fortune cookie said:
“You will have a great time, enjoy it while it lasts.” (in bed)
In my bed we’d lie
As Mraz brought me closer to your butterfly
Jack Johnson and The Starting line,
John Mayer brought us to the finish line.

And I wish you were here tonight
Under the moon lit sky
I wish you were here tonight
But I guess this is goodbye.

We’d look for shooting stars that fall
You’d smile at me for no reason at all
And now I’m free, free falling, falling
But don’t worry, I know you’ll be fine,
Cause you told me to make sure
it wasn’t you I was falling, falling for.
OR
(Cause you said you’d be okay,
as long as it wasn’t you I was falling, falling for)

And it stings when it nobody's fault
Cause there's nothing to blame
At the drop of your name, it's only the air you took
And the breath you left
So I'll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
Might be my only right

Wherever I go,
Whatever I do,
I wonder where I am in my relationship to you.
Wherever you go,
Wherever you are,
I’ll watch your pretty life play out in pictures from afar

[yournewhaircut]

You should switch around "breath" and "air" like this!

"At the drop of your name, it's only the breath you took
And the air you left"

or is that corny?

[CLafferty]

I think, considering you don't write much, this is pretty decent. I mean, it's not amazing, but you're definitely getting somewhere.
The integration of borrowed lines into the context of your own personal situation flows quite well.
I like the lines you've bold'ed, I prefer the first set of lines if I had to choose.

In the negatory, I think that the allusions to sex could be handles more subtley. Perhaps go a little further out with your metaphor.

CL

[desipunk7]

Thanx a lot guys for the comments.

Yournewhaircut: I feel like the way air and breathe are placed makes it more interesting, because its saying you took all the air and just left me a breath

CL: I wrote the second set of bold lines first, and then tried to come up with something better. So I like the first 2 better as well. But which lines are you talkin bout when u say I could handle the allusions subtley, I tried as much as possible. And the fortune cookie thing with (in bed) is just for the effect, like when everyone says it while reading their own fortune cookie.

[TK]

Don't give this to your ex...

[thespearkid]

This is not good. Which lines are Mayer's?