Penance (Hi I'm new, Uploading this song first.)

[illidanhunter17]

I've written alot of songs, but I'm new to the website and I'm uploading this first. I know my punctuation isn't that great, sorry. Please let me know what you think, love or hate.



Flying on broken wings of gold
Dropping feathers paving roads of greed untold
This is the root, this is the seed
Final lines seal the deed

Hollow eyes pretend to be
Softer than this extascy
Floating up above the moon
Melodies and harmonies
It all sounds better out of tune
We'll find our purpose very soon

Where is the life in life
Its hard to find , Its Hard to find it here
And if my will won't break then
These boards will, And I'm walking on disaster
But I've had my fill, Keep turning, Keep turning the wheel

I Find the Roughness In your eyes Only sharpens
The edges of The softness, It causes a tension in the melody
Rough Diamonds They may Seem, But They're fools gold to me
I see, I see Things only I Could see, Your eyes are my perfect harmony

They said if the colors don't blend, to throw it out
They said if the metal won't bend then its to hard now
So throw it all away, Uselessness takes its last bow
But I found the beauty in it somehow, and said
Harder metal can be welded to frame a perfect bed
Black is beautiful If you know where the beauty lays its head

And so he asked...
Where is the life in this life

Where is the life in life
Its hard to find , Its Hard to find it here
And if my will won't break then
These boards will, And I'm walking on disaster
But I've had my fill, Keep turning, Keep turning the wheel

I Find the Roughness In your eyes Only sharpens
The edges of The softness, It causes a tension in the melody
Rough Diamonds They may Seem, But They're fools gold to me
I see, I see Things only I Could see, Your eyes are my perfect harmony

[TK]

First off, you do not need to write in different colored fonts. Second, this is filled with forced rhymes and cliches. This wasn't good, at all. But I saw potential in the second stanza, so keep writing. Listen to music with good lyrics, read more, and try harder to write a message with meaning instead of something that rhymes.

[illidanhunter17]

I used the red to mark the chorus, but i don't usually do that. I like things to rhyme, I don't force them to, i just like catchy music and thats how I write. And it does have a meaning, It's just harder to find. I guess we all have different tastes tho. but as for "Cliches" that kinda made me slightly angry, I pride myself in not using Overused phrases and personally I don't see anything Overused in this at all, Show me something similar. Although from reading your "quotation and nouns" i can tell you have a very different style of writing. I respect that, I'm just more of a hidden meaning or "Metaphor" type of guy.

[TK]

I used the red to mark the chorus, but i don't usually do that. I like things to rhyme, I don't force them to, i just like catchy music and thats how I write. And it does have a meaning, It's just harder to find. I guess we all have different tastes tho. but as for "Cliches" that kinda made me slightly angry, I pride myself in not using Overused phrases and personally I don't see anything Overused in this at all, Show me something similar. Although from reading your "quotation and nouns" i can tell you have a very different style of writing. I respect that, I'm just more of a hidden meaning or "Metaphor" type of guy.

The whole first part of the chorus is forced and makes no sense. And it makes you angry that I've read similar things before? I have. "And I'm walking on disaster" "I've had my fill" "Keep turning the wheel" "Melodies and harmonies, it all sounds better out of tune" "Your eyes are my perfect harmony" All of those.Quotations and Nouns is not my writing style, at all. I tried something new that came out very poor. Look at some of my other threads, you'll find I overuse metaphors to a exasperating point.You should learn how to take criticism, rather you think the person has a valid point or not. This seems like the majority of stuff I read on this and different websites. If you don't think it's cliche, great. If no one else does, even better. But I do.

[thespearkid]

Rhyming is awkward/forced at times. A lot of times actually. Travis covered most of what I'd have to say though.

[illidanhunter17]

Forced rhyming would refer to Forcing a word into the line to make it rhyme with the last but leaves the poem making no sense, however i do not do that, I right exactly whats on my mind in heavy metaphors, I actually like Poetry/Lyrics to Rhyme and I think of words that fit what im trying to say but rhyme with teh last, they are by no means out of context with what im wanting to say.

Maybe to help explain, I'll tell you what this song is about... It's about a guy who finds simplicity to be all he needs. He doesn't need the best of everything, and he can find beauty in the smallest things. Where is this life..etc etc is refering to everyone else needing to find something incredibly complex and amazing in anything they do for them to be happy, but most of the time they are reaching above their heads for something they'll never have. Which is where if my will won't break then these boards will comes in...the boards referring to their life crashing down when they look back at how they ruined it.

But i guess if i was a narrow minded critic incapable of thinking for himself like you guys, i would've missed that...

[illidanhunter17]

Oh and tk... All of your writing is unintresting and boring. Theres no mystery, no puzzle. You purposely try NOT to ryhme simply because it is some Critics standard. You sir fail at imagination, If i wanted to read a book telling me about a scene I'd fucking do it, not read your shitty two paragraphs of free sleep aids. It's quite obvious I have Posted on the wrong website. I don't honestly care what anyone has to say or laugh about in this post or even if I'm deleted from some random forum, I'm not checking back lol, oh and you look like a *** Oklahoma boy.

[TK]

Forced rhyming would refer to Forcing a word into the line to make it rhyme with the last but leaves the poem making no sense, however i do not do that, I right exactly whats on my mind in heavy metaphors, I actually like Poetry/Lyrics to Rhyme and I think of words that fit what im trying to say but rhyme with teh last, they are by no means out of context with what im wanting to say.


My God, seriously? Is this what you tell yourself? They do make sense, it's just heavy metaphors that you cannot understand, only I can. I've written my share of force rhymes and I know when I see them. Get over yourself, you idiot.


Maybe to help explain, I'll tell you what this song is about... It's about a guy who finds simplicity to be all he needs. He doesn't need the best of everything, and he can find beauty in the smallest things. Where is this life..etc etc is refering to everyone else needing to find something incredibly complex and amazing in anything they do for them to be happy, but most of the time they are reaching above their heads for something they'll never have. Which is where if my will won't break then these boards will comes in...the boards referring to their life crashing down when they look back at how they ruined it.

But i guess if i was a narrow minded critic incapable of thinking for himself like you guys, i would've missed that...

So...again, how do the boards have to do with referring to a life crashing down? I see no connection, again. And narrow minded critics? How about shitty ass writers who are upset because people don't like their stuff?

[TK]

Oh and tk... All of your writing is unintresting and boring. Theres no mystery, no puzzle. You purposely try NOT to ryhme simply because it is some Critics standard. You sir fail at imagination, If i wanted to read a book telling me about a scene I'd fucking do it, not read your shitty two paragraphs of free sleep aids. It's quite obvious I have Posted on the wrong website. I don't honestly care what anyone has to say or laugh about in this post or even if I'm deleted from some random forum, I'm not checking back lol, oh and you look like a *** Oklahoma boy.

Ha, yeah. You obviously did not read any of my other stuff. Here, let me give you some links:

http://absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?t=624192
http://absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?t=394771
http://absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?t=311095
http://absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?t=281450
http://absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?t=272904
http://absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?t=600282

I obviously do not attempt to purposely not rhyme. Some people in this forum do not like what I post, I'm okay with that. I try to listen to their criticisms and improve my writing from there. It's also obvious that your a pathetic excuse for a writer. I might be a shitty writer, chances are, I am. But you're so much worse for the sole reason that you can't accept criticism. You're a joke, please do not come back.

Oh, and personal insults? Grow the fuck up.

[GhostMachine]

It is amazing and how simple criticism can turn some people into complete assholes. I agree with everything TK has said. The meaning in lost in the completely useless rhyming pattern you've used and it does feel entirely forced. Its one thing to like catchy music and another thing to force a song to be catchy just because you like it.

And slipping from having an unopened mind towards criticism to compeltely insulting folks cause you can't be accepting of your own failures or slight mis-steps makes you seem completely arrogant of your own ability...and as TK said...please grow the fuck up.

[xidreamofyou32x]

Personally I like it, especially the chorus