Mailer Daemon

[erthgual]

Mailer daemon

Desire lingers in my dreams
Tonight I dreamt of you
Blessings rush in teams
But settle in my dew


Self respect dissolved
After unresolved approach
Horrid words dared leach
I am your filthy roach

Colors blend; silver takes hue
I know, your picture is overdue
Deceived diseased notion
Has paralyzed my motion


Self respect dissolved
After unresolved approach
Horrid words dared leach
I am your filthy roach

I’ll crawl in your kitchen
Glue myself on counter
Like a dead hen
Is unable to run faster

Self respect dissolved
After compulsive approach
Horrid words dared leach
I am your filthy roach

[theMATEOlife]

I think you need to re-write this. A clear theme or subject is never established, which makes it all too vague for a reader to follow. The roach metaphor is interesting but misused. There's something off putting about the line "I am your filthy roach." For one, it sounds desperate, and secondly it's just kind of a gross image.

Also, the rhyme scheme tries, simultaneously, to be off kilter and traditional, which really weakens the piece. When you figure out your theme, first write it again to have it make sense, then make sure you do a revision to correct any weaknesses in the rhyme scheme.

An idea may be to explore the less filthy side of a roach, i.e. to use it as an object in a home. Something that sees everything, but says nothing. Maybe don't mention what it is. Using words like scamper and scurry will help to establish that it's a smaller being but being vague about what exactly that is could help the reader get over the intensity of the roach metaphor.

Post your revisions when you're done! Good luck.

[erthgual]

TheMATEOlife,
Thanks for wrtiting. I thought you'll never reply. At first I was a little dissapointed when I glimpsed at the title of your post. But now I relize that this lyric needs some serious changes. I know that no one reallys cares, but I'll say it anyway. At the time I wrote this song, a girl I was very fond of would never reply any of my e-mails. That's why it's called Mailer Daemon.

The first verse expresses the emotions that trigger me to approach her in the first place. While in the chourus, I express the fact that I made some serious verbal mistakes. Therefore, I feel as if I were her filthy roach, since I can't stop thinking about her.

In the second verse I make referrence to a blend in colors; silver being prominant. Implying all the dust and dirt that comes from distant memories. These memories ultimately sicken me, and paralyze me. Leading to the whole gluing myself. But mainly I play a little with words, since it also make reference to drug abuse. I think that's what the last verse is mostly about. But it mainly deals with death over someting quite insignificant.

In the outro, I replaced the adjective unresolved for compulsive, providing a little twist. Though, rooted to the overall theme.

When I write unresolved approach I mean the fact that I never come to a conclusion, I cease to make appropriate use of my senses. Something you were able to point out.
I don't know, maybe I'll never publish this song, since it's far too personal. Darn it! But I am thinking on writing another song with your suggestion. heh, heh I even wrote them down in my notebook. :-D
Thanks again for all your advice. Please don't hesitate to reply and express your thoughts.