Growing Pains(PLEASE READ)

[coryclendening]

There’s two sides to every story…

Every so often, it seems like I’m left in a life with no options
Dressing up for the deep sleep in this cold coffin
Lost, all fucked up in the head
Pillows all bunched up, curled and crunched up in my bed
Flowing oceans of emotions before bedtime
Eyes drowning in an ocean of tears and red wine
Dreaming of the white sandy beaches of Venice
Losing myself every minute of every day in my deepest fetish
Some one who can be my one and only
Someone who tells me “baby come and hold me”
Let the affection grow, let the sunshine glow
Someone I can run to, whether it’s rain, or sometimes snow
I really didn’t know where my life was headed, no joke
It was go big or go broke with kids who smoke cigs and blow smoke
Just a dream for the show biz with no hope and no pride
Just a wingless angel on the edge of a building with closed eyes
A lost child, just a son of silence
Going wild from all of the drugs, guns and violence
Where is my amante, amor mio, Te Amor?
Tears have me so washed up I can see the shore
As lost and confused as a little boy gets
Missing pieces to his poetic toy set
I want it; it burns so bad it could start a fire
Thinking I could have whatever this good heart desires
Smug my skies rub my eyes and evade this fucked up drug
This fucked up drug that ends in the confliction of punch drunk love

It was just another lonely night on the 10th of September
But I saw her, sitting in her purple sweater
I came over, asked her if she needed some company
She looked me in the eye and said she would love it, see…
Her heart was broken; she was just a dazzle in distress
So fragile in her nest with a heart that rattle’s in her chest
She gave me her voice, her words, her undivided attention
While I sunk in and drowned in an uninvited obsession
We talked, and talked, ended up in a bed staring eye to eye
Letting our thoughts run wild with the smiles we’re sharing side by side
I was scared to kiss her, but she made it clear with one move
Feeling my heart explode and the fire begin to run through
My veins as her lips touched mine and I pulled her close
I swear my cheeks burned so bad my mind was full of smoke
Dumping the potion all over my loving devotion
Nothing comes close when your mind is not really running in motion

She was an angel, who am I to judge?
Never again will feel like I’m losing light above
Now all I can do is fight for love
Never know who is right for us
I’d give her everything, if I could, here’s the keys to a car and the crib
Here’s a kiss to those scars on your rib
I’m a king now, I finally met a female
Who was more than just words through text and e-mail
I just want to make her happy
Wrap her in my arms like flavored candy
Raw cherries, strawberries everywhere
She was the honey to my bee, I was her teddy bear
Linguistic moans, simplistic poems, never will my heart break
Just me and this girl holding hands walking around this dark lake
From the moment we start talking, or at the park walking
Every moment with her seemed almost heart stopping
“Never stepping o'er the bounds of modesty
Tempt not a desperate man, for I shall only astound with honesty
Speak from the heart, profound with novelties
These tears are rain, something only my clouds can promise me”

We would walk around and enjoy the sun rays for the summer
Even if she was grounded, we’d see each other one way or another
She would tell me to cheer up and keep my head up
She’s there, she cares, and she can see I’m fed up
Lays in my bed as I hold her and we talk about life stories
I say my name is girly and she says she likes a name like Cory
Squeeze her tight and close my eyes as she falls asleep
Hoping when I wake up in the morning that it wasn’t all a dream
I look at her and think; only if this star could have gone higher
She could light the sky like an astronomical bomb fire
Her curves direct my eyes to a place beyond fiction
They speak to me in rythmes even before the songs written
You remember when I would sneak in your dad’s house?
We would have sex all night and then pass out
Like a deposit you put my heart right in your pocket
Like the time I was naked and had to hide in your closet
She use to call me every night and I’d talk to her for hours
I’d get lonely late at night and some times walk to her with flowers
Got a dog, named it gizmo, think it was a baby with the way she carried it
Wearing my coat puffing on a cigarette with the baby cherry lit
Seeing the path I’m suppose to travel
As the herd of darkness approaches the castle

Straight through my eyes, let my poem settle in her heart
Let her see herself laying in a pile of rose peddles in the park
I speak this amusing riddle about how you’re my wife to be
How when I close my eyes I see you standing to the side of me
A soft rock telling you his feelings in simple context
Like the eyes of a tiger, watching a lion in a purple prom dress
10 pumps of vanilla, chai crème frappucino without the whip crème
Save it for bed so I can eat you until you’re licked clean
My heart is racing from the way your hips swing
Or the way your skin glows through your ripped jeans
Baby, poo-poo, angel, you were the girl for me
It sucks when we fought it seemed like world war three
When ever I saw your tears flow like rain clouds
It made me want to die, just blow my brains out
I’d cry to, just drown in sorrow
And thank god you were still around tomorrow
Failure with love will cut so deep there will be no blood in the wound
That’s why I go wild from smelling your luscious perfume
I can see the pain inside of you if I truly take a close look
It’s like the raining boat scene in the movie the note book
It cut me and I didn’t know if I could sow it shut
But the scars you gave me are only part of growing up
You really kept strength in this lonely and broken poet
You really took a bow with this closing moment
The music is on, the lights off, and we’re lost in our intimate affection
Your body is so hot it has your chest burning with a cinnamon complexion
Walking to the pay phone in the freezing cold just hear her voice
Her hair was soft, her laughs were grace, and her tears were moist
She’d take my frowns and bury them upside down
And wait for the smiles to dig themselves up from the ground
I wanted her to have my baby, then be there in a bridal gown
A beating moment to flush out the scratching vinyl sound
I’m surrounded by; it’s the thin line between desire and amnesty
It’s the star that picks me up higher than gravity
It’s the non fiction that depicts the writer of fantasy
It’s the meant to be love story which inspired the tragedy
The travesty, had it be the root to the cherry tail
It wouldn’t be sad to see the end of cupid’s fairytale
Let me hold you for eternity you divine goddess
It’s the sunshine of October being honest but sometimes modest
Take my hand so you’re safe from the arrows waiting to hurt you
Take your time; make up your mind because patience is virtue
Make a wish and praise the faith of your graciousness
Open your eyes, step forward and face towards anxiousness
It’s you filling my life with desire and mercy
Filling it with love so the devils fire can’t burn me

Looking at you through that thick piece of glass
Wondering what those lips are speaking back
Running after your car with a rose, “here I love you baby”
Holding you in the air while you say, “I want you, take me”
Spelling I love you in the snow, telling me it’s always and forever
Loving me whenever our songs play when we’re together
But some other dude would come rolling into the picture
Her anger problems would turn growing issues to whispers
Then she finally cheated on me one night at her job’s Christmas party
She did it, it’s vicious, not even a “I can’t believe I did this, sorry”
I see a million people telling me don’t do it
My mind is blank, I have no movement
It wasn’t 100% of one problem, it’s 1% of a hundred problems
It’s the problems a million different excuses wasn’t solving
It hurts like Hitlers blaming of the Jews
But it works like Shakespeare’s taming of the shrews
Now all I have is my pride watching the world’s blue eyes fill up
Though it’s wrong, holding on to a past with a girl who I still love
My lost love, it was my fault and I shouldn’t have left you
But if it wasn’t for my awful ways then I wouldn’t have met you
My knees get weak, my eyes dilate and my mouth gets dry
And in the morning it makes me want to fly south and die
It whites out the sky and makes me want to turn the lights out and hide
It’s night out and I want to find the nerve to bite down and cry
The high is unbalanced and I can’t control my fucking emotions
I’m being a pussy and I’m letting my tears flow like I’m stuck in the ocean
Given the route, it would allow me to finally ride off in the sunset
High off this life, this life with a price, a life I lost in a drunk bet
I can’t consider her another woman who break hearts
I let her down and tried to let my life imitate art
Run boy run; finish the beer you’re drinking out the glass
Go home stoned and start thinking bout the past
A greased up punk abandoned from his own society
In dying need to escape from standing in his own irony
But here’s the point, you ever know how cold the late nights get?
When you don’t have to person you love to hold and play fight with?
To sneak into her parents house and go once day light hits?
It blows, but at least staying single shows my break lights fixed
She ran away, probably thinking I didn’t care
And now every time I roll over in bed she isn’t there
She was a blossomed fruit, I was her rotting root, nothing more
Running from nothing, not sure what I was running for
I never understood how I could talk like that
Knowing all I ever wanted to do was walk right back

A lost love is worse than running out of fortune and wealth
Giving up is also another way to win nothing important as well
Now there is no vacancy like it’s the holiday inn
Just her old knife getting stuck all the way in
It’s the puppeteer who’s got me on a string
It’s the night mare trying to haunt me in my dreams
It’s the lust that leaves me itchy and painful
It’s the city of angels that turns kitties to bengals
My girl man, she did me wrong man, she cut me deep
She kept telling me I couldn’t see what she needs
That there is this other guy, and he’s what she needs
And maybe in another life, she’ll want me see…
I fucked up, and now she thinks she knows me
Still going off of reference through the old me
Knowing there will never be another night she holds me
Just a hand full of balloons I never will let go free
Never another kiss, please god, just one more please?
Can I one day find her standing, let her come towards me
Let her smile and run towards me,
Or at least let her see me in the distance holding up one four three

[JimGray]

I didn't read the whole thing, but what I read was pretty bad.

[Bunielle]

Um well... it's... long.
Don't know whether the beautiful girlfriend with an oh-so womanly physique will use up five to ten minutes to actually read the whole thing.

[theMATEOlife]

The are three main problems with this piece.

1) It's way too long. I know this is coming from the guy who just posted a 2 page short story, but still that was a story that explored how someone behaved and thought in a specific situation. This is a diatribe that doesn't really seem to go anywhere. By the end of the first stanza it's obvious what you're writing about, but then you take it and just start shoving it at the reader.

2) The cadence doesn't work, mostly because there isn't a true cadence. Reading this, the reader stumbles over lines with varying lengths, which makes it hard to keep a reader engaged. Also, it seems as if any lines that are too long are not that way for a specific purpose. The words you use that make the sentences big and verbose are just extra, unnecessary words.

3) Your use of cliched lines and words/phrases that you obviously don't fully grasp makes it even harder to get through the work and still care. On top of that, some of the lines just don't make any sense.

(ex: "a dazzle in distress" - you meant damsel, "smug my skies", "Running from nothing, not sure what I was running for")

Hope this helps, it's worth a re-write especially since it seems as if at the core of this piece there is something you really need to say. Try trimming it down to half of it's size, take out some of the more verbose lines, and avoid using some of the way too casual phrases you use.

I don't mean to be discouraging, in fact quite the opposite. No one writes something brilliant as a first draft. Revisions are the only thing that can take any piece to where the writer wants it to be. If you're not willing to put in the work on revisions, then asking for feedback is pointless. Good luck, post the revision when it's done!