Dear Elise

[EatItSucka]

You understand what I say
Comprehend what I write
Make me smile with your song
Force me to cry with your light

Ill keep this short
I have not much time
Before I click abort
Make up a silly rhyme

Let me show you who I am
Give me the chance to be your best friend
No lie, it was love at first sight
Win you I will, Today I fight!

[SeeYouSeptember]

I like it, short and sweet

[thespearkid]

Awful. Cliche after cliche after cliche. Boring, stereotypical rhyme scheme.

[leezer]

I have to, for the most part, agree with thespearkid. Not totally bland, it reminds me a bit of how i used to write, but keep at it!

[EatItSucka]

Awful. Cliche after cliche after cliche. Boring, stereotypical rhyme scheme.
I wrote those words straight out of my mind
One day beauty is what I may find
If you think they are plain, that's too bad
That makes me angry, makes me glad

This time I wont write a boring rhyme scheme
So you will understand exactly what I mean
May not be great, but I am improving
Hope that one day my voice will be moving

My soul, darker than Seattle Grey
The fire inside me, hot as the sun
Waking up is hard when everything is dying
Inside my soul, all is one

Unique describes my views
Different are my ways
Stronger than the strongest perfume
More potent than the suns rays

Where to begin, where to stop
Saying what first comes to thought
Inside my mind is where I stay
Deep in my cave is where I rot

Did I do better than last time
Will you please tell me your good word
With your feedback, I hope to move forward
One day I swear, my soul will be heard

[thespearkid]

I wrote those words straight out of my mind
One day beauty is what I may find
If you think they are plain, that's too bad
That makes me angry, makes me glad

This time I wont write a boring rhyme scheme
So you will understand exactly what I mean
May not be great, but I am improving
Hope that one day my voice will be moving

My soul, darker than Seattle Grey
The fire inside me, hot as the sun
Waking up is hard when everything is dying
Inside my soul, all is one

Unique describes my views
Different are my ways
Stronger than the strongest perfume
More potent than the suns rays

Where to begin, where to stop
Saying what first comes to thought
Inside my mind is where I stay
Deep in my cave is where I rot

Did I do better than last time
Will you please tell me your good word
With your feedback, I hope to move forward
One day I swear, my soul will be heard
You shouldn't just spout off shit when you write poetry. I'm sure it works sometimes but it just looks sloppy here.

[EatItSucka]

You shouldn't just spout off shit when you write poetry. I'm sure it works sometimes but it just looks sloppy here.
OK, so we don't agree
On everything that we see
But you never answered my question
I still wish to learn a lesson

[EatItSucka]

You shouldn't just spout off shit when you write poetry. I'm sure it works sometimes but it just looks sloppy here.
I changed the poem a bit
So hopefully it will sound fit
Does it still sound plain
Does it look the same?

[Chigwinkle]

Lol, really dude. Stop.

[eliselovesmusic]

:upside: