An Awkward Fit

[lfdfforever]

remind this moment to never leave us astray
we connected at dusk and by dawn
our childish conversations had adult things to say
the more mature we moved the more i felt
the need to sit by my aging youth
on comfort that's sheltering a glare
drawn fourth for the past creations to share again
we're thinking old in a young mind
and as you said, "it's not different this time".
with each social event there's an attitude to wear
my outfit hangs on me with such an awkward fit
but i've lost any chance to care
so when they're gone it will just be our remaining movements here
let's stay steady when the end comes for us
let's accept that we'll be split into two separate things
i'll always tell myself i gave my best to love you every single day
even though you insisted
it was never meant to be this way
our future came to be the past of something
we both knew that couldn't last

[TK]

remind this moment to never leave us astray
we connected at dusk and by dawn
our childish conversations had adult things to say
the more mature we moved the more i felt
the need to sit by my aging youth
on comfort that's sheltering a glare
drawn fourth for the past creations to share again


First two lines are decent. I really liked the third line and the lines that followed after it minus the last one. The last line seemed a awkward in it's wording.


we're thinking old in a young mind
and as you said, "it's not different this time".
with each social event there's an attitude to wear
my outfit hangs on me with such an awkward fit
but i've lost any chance to care
so when they're gone it will just be our remaining movements here


This was pretty solid. Although the last two lines could be reworded a little bit to help the flow in my opinion.



let's stay steady when the end comes for us
let's accept that we'll be split into two separate things
i'll always tell myself i gave my best to love you every single day
even though you insisted
it was never meant to be this way
our future came to be the past of something
we both knew that couldn't last

Too be perfectly honest, I thought this was really weak. The first two lines aren't that bad, but what follows it is really cliche and bad. If you can fix the last five lines, you'll have something really good here.

[lfdfforever]

First two lines are decent. I really liked the third line and the lines that followed after it minus the last one. The last line seemed a awkward in it's wording.



This was pretty solid. Although the last two lines could be reworded a little bit to help the flow in my opinion.




Too be perfectly honest, I thought this was really weak. The first two lines aren't that bad, but what follows it is really cliche and bad. If you can fix the last five lines, you'll have something really good here. the flow was meant to be awkward, reflecting what the lyrics are about. lately i've been taking the mood of the situation which is the story of my lyrics and taking that mood or feeling, i felt during that during that time. and putting into my flow of words. and as of now i'm still writing in an awkward flow hahaha

[TK]

Ahh, I see. Well then, minus the comments about the flow, fixing up the last five lines would really improve this. But that's just my opinion, if you're happy with the ending, cool.

[lfdfforever]

Ahh, I see. Well then, minus the comments about the flow, fixing up the last five lines would really improve this. But that's just my opinion, if you're happy with the ending, cool. i do think the ending could played with a little bit and thanks actually leaving a post. this forum has gone down hill

[TK]

i do think the ending could played with a little bit and thanks actually leaving a post. this forum has gone down hill

No problem. Ha, yes it has. There's almost no quality stuff posted here anymore, and when there is, not too many people comment on it anyway. But, what can you do? lol...

[bootsydan]

I liked these lines:


our childish conversations had adult things to say
the more mature we moved the more i felt
the need to sit by my aging youth


with each social event there's an attitude to wear


However I felt the piece didn't really explore some of the interesting themes that it had potential before. Ie - Youth/Age, Social events.

Instead I felt like it was just a kind of uninteresting self reflective piece with some sort of love story intertwined.

And although I did like the social event line - I felt like it came out of nowhere. But this was by no means bad. In comparison to the other posts lately it was a masterpiece. But yeah, I thought it had some potential that it didn't quite reach.

[lew_1987]

I agree with the other comments - there are definitely some decent lines in there though.