"Portrait"

[CTMarshall]

i am not a good man.
no angel living in my lungs,
but i feel like a god for the first time
and that’s what scares me the most.
because if living is just surviving
and surviving is left up to the fit,
then loving is just relying on
someone
else’s
gift.
now i am in charge of my love.
my hands fall selfish and short.
does that make me a bad man?
because i’ve seen
god
do
worse.

well, who does my god pray to
when things don't go as planned?
does he blame those that surround him,
or does he play the better man?

[CTMarshall]

feel free to comment!

[CTMarshall]

haha...well this must really suck.

[identitycrisis2]

Ahhhhhhh, Smokey the Bear. You thought you could hide that from me.

[CTMarshall]

Ahhhhhhh, Smokey the Bear. You thought you could hide that from me.

huh?

[identitycrisis2]

You sneaky little scamp! You don't have to play dumb anymore.

[CTMarshall]

You sneaky little scamp! You don't have to play dumb anymore.

hmmm...I guess you're just trying to make me feel stupid or something, but I still have no clue what you are talking about...oh well.

[staid]

because if living is just surviving
and surviving is left up to the fit,
then loving is just relying on
someone
else’s
gift( sorry but your "let me break it into 3 lines and sound all william shakespearesque" didnt work)
does that make me a bad man?
because i’ve seen
god
do
worse.(ditto)

[DJ_Tanner]

( sorry but your "let me break it into 3 lines and sound all william shakespearesque" didnt work)


i actually like that technique. i find myself doing that a lot in my writing too.

[thespearkid]

It's definitely interesting. The first three lines are really strong but the fourth is kind of cliche, sort of ruins what looked a fresh mood compared to other pieces in the forum lately. The next six(?) lines have a really nice flow to them but I think the thought could have been a little more cohesive. The pattern in which you said it is good enough that, depending on what you say, you've got the ability to really clobber your reader there. The next few lines are good but not up to par with some of the other stuff in the poem and the ending is your weakest part, it's just uninteresting.

A lot of times in this poem, I felt like you could have said something really interesting but you kept sort of backing off, not really taking any real risks, as if you ran to the edge of a cliff but then never jumped.

[staid]

It's definitely interesting. The first three lines are really strong but the fourth is kind of cliche, sort of ruins what looked a fresh mood compared to other pieces in the forum lately. The next six(?) lines have a really nice flow to them but I think the thought could have been a little more cohesive. The pattern in which you said it is good enough that, depending on what you say, you've got the ability to really clobber your reader there. The next few lines are good but not up to par with some of the other stuff in the poem and the ending is your weakest part, it's just uninteresting.

A lot of times in this poem, I felt like you could have said something really interesting but you kept sort of backing off, not really taking any real risks, as if you ran to the edge of a cliff but then never jumped.

wow. what a great analogy.





NOT.

[thespearkid]

So are you going to follow me into every thread I post in and bitch just because no one liked your story? I wonder why I get the special attention.

[CTMarshall]

It's definitely interesting. The first three lines are really strong but the fourth is kind of cliche, sort of ruins what looked a fresh mood compared to other pieces in the forum lately. The next six(?) lines have a really nice flow to them but I think the thought could have been a little more cohesive. The pattern in which you said it is good enough that, depending on what you say, you've got the ability to really clobber your reader there. The next few lines are good but not up to par with some of the other stuff in the poem and the ending is your weakest part, it's just uninteresting.

A lot of times in this poem, I felt like you could have said something really interesting but you kept sort of backing off, not really taking any real risks, as if you ran to the edge of a cliff but then never jumped.
thanks for the criticism, man. haha...sorry for dogging you in that other thread. and I totally get what you're saying. That last little part was meant to be a completely different thing, but I threw it on the end of this one. Not really sure why. Thanks again.

[CTMarshall]

because if living is just surviving
and surviving is left up to the fit,
then loving is just relying on
someone
else’s
gift( sorry but your "let me break it into 3 lines and sound all william shakespearesque" didnt work)
does that make me a bad man?
because i’ve seen
god
do
worse.(ditto)
hmmm...I wasn't trying to sound like Shakespeare, but thanks? Have you even had a literature class to know what Shakespeare's writing is like? I'm pretty sure he doesn't write on the same subject that I do, or use that structure.

[CTMarshall]

why not? bump.

[CTMarshall]

???

[CTMarshall]

bump :wave:

[Kirsty.com]

I like it. Personaly i think its fresh and original.
Well Done

[CTMarshall]

I like it. Personaly i think its fresh and original.
Well Done

Thanks a million!