I Will be Breathing You

[oddwithoutend]

I got in my car to drive down to the place we went to play
I went to walk underneath the park
That’s when I felt a spark

I went outside so I could stand and stare to the east
And I saw your silhouette
And then I felt regret

I felt you shudder like the moon would shake when I watched it worried as I would run
I saw the night time burn in smoke to the sound of your morning sun

I got cold so I climbed into the sky to burn my mind of you
But the sun improved my sight
I felt it just made you bright

I got cold so I closed the door to keep the wind from hitting me
But your hand was fitting me
It wasn’t time for you to leave

I felt you shudder like the moon would shake when I watched it worried as I would run
I saw the night time burn in smoke to the sound of your morning sun

I saw a cloud of rain come so I leaned against a tree
But the rain was getting me
I know I can’t be free

I saw a bird fly down to the ice as it was getting old
It laid down to rest
I chose to freeze to death

I locked myself in a room so I could be alone with you
And through the glass I saw the moon
In my head I thought maybe you would see it too
I felt like I was breathing you

You locked yourself in a room so you could be alone with me
And through the glass you saw the sea
In your head you thought I had a similar dream
You felt like you were breathing me

And you finally believed in me

[oddwithoutend]

I wrote this song in the perspective of a fairly immature person that is having trouble expressing his feelings. Kind of like he is saying something much deeper than he thinks he is, if that makes any sense. Let me know what you think of this one.

[Hyp]

I locked myself in a room so I could be alone with you
And through the glass I saw the moon
In my head I thought maybe you would see it too
I felt like I was breathing you

You locked yourself in a room so you could be alone with me
And through the glass you saw the sea
In your head you thought I had a similar dream
You felt like you were breathing me


For one, I fucking love those lines.

Reading it, in the beginning the "I"'s started to get a little annoying but I understand the concept and I'm really interested in how they would sound with some music.

I like the kind of story-telling style of it. Good job, overall and the metaphors are cooked just right.

[eliselovesmusic]

Pretty good :)

[oddwithoutend]

I locked myself in a room so I could be alone with you
And through the glass I saw the moon
In my head I thought maybe you would see it too
I felt like I was breathing you

You locked yourself in a room so you could be alone with me
And through the glass you saw the sea
In your head you thought I had a similar dream
You felt like you were breathing me


For one, I fucking love those lines.

Reading it, in the beginning the "I"'s started to get a little annoying but I understand the concept and I'm really interested in how they would sound with some music.

I like the kind of story-telling style of it. Good job, overall and the metaphors are cooked just right.

Thanks, man. I would have to agree that those stanzas are somewhat standout compared to the rest of the song. Also, I really understand that the choice of words around the middle are little youngish, but I guess that's why I felt the need to kind of give these lyrics a background for you. I feel that if you heard the song and especially the vocals you would feel that the vocabulary is a bit more ...fitting. Thanks for your thoughts.

Pretty good :)

lol I'm glad you feel that way.

[teddyb]

I loved it mate =)

[CTMarshall]

It definitely has some good imagery though the poem gets a little repetitive (I may be biased - I'm a fan of shorter works). I think you should be a little more creative and not start almost every line with "I". It can get boring for the reader, even if you do it to accomplish a feeling. Slight repetition can be wonderful, but overusing it just ruins the effect.

Oh, and the last two stanza are very very good. My favorites of the piece.

[a speedo model]

I got in my car to drive down to the place we went to play
I went to walk underneath the park
That’s when I felt a spark

Not very good. The imagery here is very uninteresting and perhaps too simple, also the rhyming follows a predictable pattern which is never good.


I went outside so I could stand and stare to the east
And I saw your silhouette
And then I felt regret

The first line isn't bad, nothing amazing but if it was followed by stronger lines it'd work better. The last two lines here are just bad. They again, are cliche rhymes that feel forced into the flow for the sake of rhyming.


I felt you shudder like the moon would shake when I watched it worried as I would run
I saw the night time burn in smoke to the sound of your morning sun

Now THIS is very good. Loved it actually. Excellent choice of a bridge/chorus. Great imagery that has a subtle flow that makes the lines seem more thoughtful.


I got cold so I climbed into the sky to burn my mind of you
But the sun improved my sight
I felt it just made you bright

The first line made me cringe. It continues on the theme, I see developing but it's just not a very good image. Seems way to familiar and isn't as striking as it should be. The second line is pretty good, an interesting thought that could be developed in this stanza, but the last is just again predictable rhyming that feels forced in.


I got cold so I closed the door to keep the wind from hitting me
But your hand was fitting me
It wasn’t time for you to leave

I actually didn't like this at all. It reverts back to the simple, uninteresting imagery that started the piece. This far along into the piece, the imagery shouldn't revert back to the beginning point, after you've developed and brought in rich imagery and ideas, turning back to simple and uninteresting ideas kills it.



I saw a cloud of rain come so I leaned against a tree
But the rain was getting me
I know I can’t be free

You start this part well, but then kill it with A) the rhyming, it just doesn't seem natural or in place B) uninteresting ideas C) Language that is far too simple, it just feels like you're chosing to speak unnaturally at certain parts then you begin to speak with richer imagery (i.e. the chorus/bridge) going back just makes it feel less natural.


I saw a bird fly down to the ice as it was getting old
It laid down to rest
I chose to freeze to death


Not a big fan of this part, it's a good idea but just doesn't carry weight. It feels like you had the very interesting image but couldn't relate it, so chose a simple form which diminishes the effect significantly.

I locked myself in a room so I could be alone with you
And through the glass I saw the moon
In my head I thought maybe you would see it too
I felt like I was breathing you

Not a fan of this either, cliche ideas and imagery that just did not interest me. It seems like you're taking steps backwards in terms of imagery and the overall narrative, I don't feel it developed here. More like you're stalling to take up more space.


You locked yourself in a room so you could be alone with me
And through the glass you saw the sea
In your head you thought I had a similar dream
You felt like you were breathing me

This is better, still isn't great. Has a feeling of being awkwardly worded, but I like the second line quite a bit.
And you finally believed in me
GREAT ending line. This was a great choice, really was a great way to end it. Almost a subtle quiet way of bringing it to close. Well done with this one.

Overall: You've got talent and some good ideas, work on fleshing them out. Unnecessary rhyming kills alot of these lines/stanzas and the imagery at times feels to be stalling or tripping over its own feet. Love the chorus and the ending line.

[oddwithoutend]

I loved it mate =)

Great. Thanks for reading.

It definitely has some good imagery though the poem gets a little repetitive (I may be biased - I'm a fan of shorter works). I think you should be a little more creative and not start almost every line with "I". It can get boring for the reader, even if you do it to accomplish a feeling. Slight repetition can be wonderful, but overusing it just ruins the effect.

Oh, and the last two stanza are very very good. My favorites of the piece.

Glad you enjoyed it. I appreciate your criticism.

Not very good. The imagery here is very uninteresting and perhaps too simple, also the rhyming follows a predictable pattern which is never good.

The first line isn't bad, nothing amazing but if it was followed by stronger lines it'd work better. The last two lines here are just bad. They again, are cliche rhymes that feel forced into the flow for the sake of rhyming.

Now THIS is very good. Loved it actually. Excellent choice of a bridge/chorus. Great imagery that has a subtle flow that makes the lines seem more thoughtful.

The first line made me cringe. It continues on the theme, I see developing but it's just not a very good image. Seems way to familiar and isn't as striking as it should be. The second line is pretty good, an interesting thought that could be developed in this stanza, but the last is just again predictable rhyming that feels forced in.

I actually didn't like this at all. It reverts back to the simple, uninteresting imagery that started the piece. This far along into the piece, the imagery shouldn't revert back to the beginning point, after you've developed and brought in rich imagery and ideas, turning back to simple and uninteresting ideas kills it.


You start this part well, but then kill it with A) the rhyming, it just doesn't seem natural or in place B) uninteresting ideas C) Language that is far too simple, it just feels like you're chosing to speak unnaturally at certain parts then you begin to speak with richer imagery (i.e. the chorus/bridge) going back just makes it feel less natural.
[SIZE=1][/color][/color]
Not a big fan of this part, it's a good idea but just doesn't carry weight. It feels like you had the very interesting image but couldn't relate it, so chose a simple form which diminishes the effect significantly.

Not a fan of this either, cliche ideas and imagery that just did not interest me. It seems like you're taking steps backwards in terms of imagery and the overall narrative, I don't feel it developed here. More like you're stalling to take up more space.

This is better, still isn't great. Has a feeling of being awkwardly worded, but I like the second line quite a bit.
[size=1]
GREAT ending line. This was a great choice, really was a great way to end it. Almost a subtle quiet way of bringing it to close. Well done with this one.

Overall: You've got talent and some good ideas, work on fleshing them out. Unnecessary rhyming kills alot of these lines/stanzas and the imagery at times feels to be stalling or tripping over its own feet. Love the chorus and the ending line.

I must say that a lot of what you said has really helped me see the flaws in this piece. I'm definitely going to take your advice. Thanks for taking the time to give such a thoughtful response.