Stones

[teddyb]

Hey, I just finished writing the first version of the song Stones. I want some opinions on the song before I turn it into my manager and producer, dont wanna get a bitch slap :) Its only the first version, I still need to work on the chorus and find some kind of bridge.


Stones

Trees and flowers are growing
Rivers and lakes are flowing
but stones just sit there
and watches it all happen

Rain is falling down
Trees and flowers drown
The rivers are flooding
but still the stones arent moving

Chorus
Why does it take a hurricane
to make the stones move?

A storm is building
Why arent you heeding?
Can you hear the thunder
coming closer by the second

Chorus
Why does it take a hurricane
to make the stones move?
Why does it take a hurricane
to make the stones move?

Break
The hurricane is crashing in
Can you see the cyclones?
How did this all begin?
In the end, we are all stones

Chorus
Why does it take a hurricane
to make the stones move?
Why does it take a hurricane
to make the stones move?

[staid]

WARNING: do not give this to your producer or manager.

[teddyb]

whats wrong with it then? Constructive criticism please

[staid]

were you previously a weatherman? no offense but you use nature's elements too excessively.
they only look good when they're used as metaphors or allusions.

[teddyb]

thats kinda the point tho

[teddyb]

But I'll look it over, and try tone it down. I just got into the zone you know :P

[staid]

i'll give you a decent tip.
if you really want to write about nature, go check out the poem 'the cloud' by p.b.shelley.
your's is too direct. it hits the reader on the nose and makes it bleed.

[teddyb]

The nature in this song is a metaphor tho. In the first verse, the trees and flowers are a metaphor for people. Rivers and lakes are a metaphor for life. The stones are again people.

The second verse is about rain falling down (something bad), trees and flowers drown (people dying or something bad happens to them). But still we arent doing anything about it. The third verse is about something ever worse happens, but again noone does anything. The break is about something terrible happening (like a genocide or something), and THEN people actually notices and does about it. The chorus is about why does something terrible have to happen before we notice and take action.

[staid]

i'm guessing english is your second language. and your metaphors are hidden too well. and we're not playing hide and seek here so just try to bring them out next time.

[teddyb]

English is my second language yes. Im originally from Norway, so theres prolly some typos here and there =) Well, imo, I think this just opens the song up for different views on the song. One person can say its about what I say its about, and someone else might think something completely different. I listen to a lot of bands that use a lot of metaphors, so I guess thats where I picked it up.

[CTMarshall]

i'm guessing english is your second language. and your metaphors are hidden too well. and we're not playing hide and seek here so just try to bring them out next time.
seriously, just stop handing out your flawed sense of critique.

[Hyp]

I'm thinking a new genre...Weathercore? Yes...

But yeah, your metaphors: they're all brothers, sisters, mothers, first cousins, man. Tell us what happens when a stone meets a tree...or whatever. Sometimes you can have too many metaphors.

Also, you talk about trees, flowers...but there are no woodland creatures? C'mon... ;)

[teddyb]

seriously, just stop handing out your flawed sense of critique.

=)

Staid, A LOT of songs are almost impossible to figure out completely, thats what makes a lot of songs special. They can mean different things to different people. And isnt that what songs and poems are for? People to recognize something in the text and connect to it?

I probably didnt write this perfect, of course I didnt, but I feel that this is a good theme at least. Its maybe a bit weird, but it speaks to me at least and if it can speak to just a couple of others, I have accomplished my goals.

[teddyb]

I'm thinking a new genre...Weathercore? Yes...

But yeah, your metaphors: they're all brothers, sisters, mothers, first cousins, man. Tell us what happens when a stone meets a tree...or whatever. Sometimes you can have too many metaphors.

Also, you talk about trees, flowers...but there are no woodland creatures? C'mon... ;)


Weathercore, awesome =)
I realize that I might be using the metaphors too much here, yes, but I wanted the song to be multiple meaning song.

The song is not meant to be overanalyzed about the text thats right there on the paper, its meant to set off a thought process of the reader or listener.

[DJ_Tanner]

using nature can create vivid images in the readers head. thats what i like about poems and lyrics that incorporate a lot of references to nature. some of the best poetry uses nature not for symbolism or metaphor sake, but simply because its a beautiful topic that can create a beautiful image. you may have been very straight forward with it, but that doesnt make your work bad.

i kinda liked it!

[teddyb]

Thanks, needed that =) I agree that I have been maybe too straight forward, maybe I should have written it in another way=) I was inspired by a poem by some norwegian guy we read about in school.

[DJ_Tanner]

i would say, if it were to be a poem, you would probably need to play a little more with detail
but since its a song, so much detail probably isnt necessary

but either way, dont stop playing with the idea of nature - it's a great theme to work with

[DJ_Tanner]

ps
one of my favorite poets is pablo neruda
he has some really great work using nature, check him out if you're interested!

[teddyb]

Thanks for the tip, I definately will check him out =)