My freedom

[teddyb]

Im not happy with this song, can someone give me a couple of pointers? I need to make if flow better. So here is the first version of the song. I have written the instrumental part, it fits to the music n stuff, but I want the lyric to really stand out in a way. Dont cut my head off, my second attempt at a song =) Got encouraged by my manager to start writing songs for my band :)

Verse
You used to be fun
how did you change into this?
You're like a butterfly in reverse
I always have to apologize

My freedom..

Chorus
You try to control me
Don't take my freedom away
I need to live my own life
Don't take my freedom away

Verse
You used to be cool
Why do I have no friends left?
You just tell me to stay home
Im tired of this mess

My freedom..

Chorus
You try to control me
Dont take my freedom away
I need to live my own life
Dont take my freedom away

Verse
You used to be fun
Now we just sit at home
I feel like a prisoner
I want to strangle you

My freedom..

Chorus
You try to control me
Dont take my freedom away
I need to live my own life
Dont take my freedom away

Break
You put me in jail
You throw away the key
Let me see the light of day
Im consumed by darkness

Final chorus
You tried to control me
You couldnt take my freedom
Im living my own life
You couldnt take my freedom

[teddyb]

Got kind of inspired by Avenged Sevenfold - A little piece of heaven, to make a somewhat twisted song, but didnt really realize my dreams :)

[thespearkid]

Cliches. They're in every verse.

[teddyb]

50% of modern music consists of cliches

[andrew4045]

.





.