Lost On Locked Doors

[CTMarshall]

This is an oldie that I wrote, and I actually have music to it. here are the lyrics. Feel free to give some criticism.

Lost On Locked Doors

My bed hasn’t moved in years
And I haven’t slept in days
I won’t go near
It stays away
It’s all the same to me
The floor, the quilt, the paneling
It’s all I’ve known
It’s all I’ve seen
And nobody said I was trapped
I’m just tired of feeling lost
I’ll crawl around until the day turns dark.

I am a hollow church
The spirit is here
But the message is lost on locked doors
And I am a hollow church
The song is still playing
But its only just delaying the end…

[thespearkid]

I really like "I am a hollow church/The spirit is here/But the message is lost on locked doors". That's a really good couple of lines. You've also got some nice imagery going at the start of the poem. My only major complaint would be its length. The speaker seems to be making observations about his life but not really exploring them, something I think could be really interesting. That's more of a personal preference than an actual fault though. Good job.

[CTMarshall]

I really like "I am a hollow church/The spirit is here/But the message is lost on locked doors". That's a really good couple of lines. You've also got some nice imagery going at the start of the poem. My only major complaint would be its length. The speaker seems to be making observations about his life but not really exploring them, something I think could be really interesting. That's more of a personal preference than an actual fault though. Good job.
Thanks! Yeah, the length just is personal preference really. I've never really written anything too long, but I probably need to expand to make my writing better.

[thespearkid]

Thanks! Yeah, the length just is personal preference really. I've never really written anything too long, but I probably need to expand to make my writing better.
I feel you. I've actually been thinking about writing a few experimental short pieces to see how they work out.

[CTMarshall]

I feel you. I've actually been thinking about writing a few experimental short pieces to see how they work out.
Yeah. It's not always too easy, because you have to pack emotion into fairly simple language and fewer words. Judging by your other pieces though, I'm sure it will be sweet.

[CTMarshall]

bumpsicle.