whirlwind.

[gilfers]

if you asked me honestly do you really think,
I'd think twice, to be the only girl in your life?
Sometimes all I need's a call,
to know we're okay, you're thinking of me
don't be a stranger, I still need you here by my side
and I don't know why.


my whirlwind romance, my chance to dance,
but I didn't take it, and we didn't make it.
Now we're at the start, of who we really are.
it feels like deja vu, standing here with you
last time I didn't even know your name
now I know every move of your game
we ended at the beginning
my head and my heart spinning
my whirlwind romance.


don't hesitate, you know where I am
if ever you need me, to come take your hand
we started as friends, fate pulled us together
then you let us go down separate paths forever
this is weird though, what if you could be,
the missing piece, the only better half of me?


my whirlwind romance, my chance to dance,
but I didn't take it, and we didn't make it.
Now we're at the start, of who we really are.
it feels like deja vu, standing here with you
last time I didn't even know your name
now I know every move of your game
we ended at the beginning
my head and my heart spinning
my whirlwind romance.


we've come so far.
we should of walked before we ran
and then we wouldn't of been over before we began
Round back on us, memories fall to dust, move on, let go, let go if we must.


my whirlwind romance, my chance to dance,
but I didn't take it, and we didn't make it.
Now we're at the start, of who we really are.
it feels like deja vu, standing here with you
last time I didn't even know your name
now I know every move of your game
we ended at the beginning
my head and my heart spinning
my whirlwind romance.


my first and last dance.
only one more chance?

[andrew4045]

must have been a lonely, somewhat suicidal valentines day for you

[gilfers]

must have been a lonely, somewhat suicidal valentines day for you

not really, but thanks for the support (Y)

[Kirsty.com]

must have been a lonely, somewhat suicidal valentines day for you
Your Nice(Y) To be honest, your here to judge the lyrics not to judge he person. Who cares about why it was witten, or who it was written about, it's good. End of.(:

[andrew4045]

Your Nice(Y) To be honest, your here to judge the lyrics not to judge he person. Who cares about why it was witten, or who it was written about, it's good. End of.(:

I am not even going to get into it with you. Your spelling, punctuation, and grammar is atrocious.

[gilfers]

I am not even going to get into it with you. Your spelling, punctuation, and grammar is atrocious.

do you mean the song? or that comment ^

[Kirsty.com]

I am not even going to get into it with you. Your spelling, punctuation, and grammar is atrocious.
Oh My God. Look get a life, and stop correcting people on their feelings. LOL. Argument Over.

Btw, This girl is really REALLY talented.

[Joshuah1]

I am not even going to get into it with you. Your spelling, punctuation, and grammar is atrocious.

Haha. Jesus, man you must be a barrel of laughs. "Your spelling, punctuation, and" <<< spot the mistake you made. Do you feel like a fool?

[Addictx]

Same thing as I said on your last one

[gilfers]

Same thing as I said on your last one

have you wrote on any of the other ones? :S

[thespearkid]

Ugh. OK. This isn't really much of a poem or lyrics. There aren't enough poetic devices (metaphors, similes, alliteration, structure, meter, etc.) so its basically just flowery talking. Also, cliches. Stop using them. I don't know why I bother posting criticism here anymore since it's basically the same five people posting the same poem over and over again and complimenting each other even though I haven't read a good poem in this forum in weeks.

[thespearkid]

Haha. Jesus, man you must be a barrel of laughs. "Your spelling, punctuation, and" <<< spot the mistake you made. Do you feel like a fool?
In America, we put a comma before the "and" when listing things. No grammar mistake.

[Addictx]

sorry wrong person, I think its pretty okay, but not the best you could do

[gilfers]

sorry wrong person, I think its pretty okay, but not the best you could do

s'alright (: just confused me a little bit haha.
& thank you for the feedback (Y)
means alot.

[diehtc0ke]

Haha. Jesus, man you must be a barrel of laughs. "Your spelling, punctuation, and" <<< spot the mistake you made. Do you feel like a fool?
That's more up for debate...
I am not even going to get into it with you. Your spelling, punctuation, and grammar is << atrocious.
...than this.

[gilfers]

That's more up for debate...

...than this.


I seriously don't understand what you mean,
haha.

[diehtc0ke]

lol I just made it more clear.

[gilfers]

lol I just made it more clear.

made what more clear?
who's in the wrong?

I don't even get what they're going on about really.
something about spellings or something?

[diehtc0ke]

made what more clear?
who's in the wrong?

I don't even get what they're going on about really.
something about spellings or something?
They're talking about improper comma placement. My point was grammar related (subject/verb disagreement). Now that I've said it, though, it's lost all potency.

[gilfers]

They're talking about improper comma placement. My point was grammar related (subject/verb disagreement). Now that I've said it, though, it's lost all potency.

haha, eeep.
sorry. I don't understand (:
what do you think of the lyrics anyways?

[diehtc0ke]

I'd say as a song it works, to a certain extent. People listening to music aren't (usually) interested in the poetics of lyrics. The rhythm does get messed up from time to time. The first stanza, for example, goes through several meters and the number of syllables don't match up.

As a poem, I agree with thespearkid. It lacks a lot of what makes poetry poetry. In that respect, it's mired with uninteresting phrases (...what if you could be / the missing piece, the only better part of me?) and conventional styling. It's not terrible; it's just not terribly engaging.

[gilfers]

I'd say as a song it works, to a certain extent. People listening to music aren't (usually) interested in the poetics of lyrics. The rhythm does get messed up from time to time. The first stanza, for example, goes through several meters and the number of syllables don't match up.

As a poem, I agree with thespearkid. It lacks a lot of what makes poetry poetry. In that respect, it's mired with uninteresting phrases (...what if you could be / the missing piece, the only better part of me?) and conventional styling. It's not terrible; it's just not terribly engaging.

thanks for the feedback, I totally agree with you about the rhythm thing and I know most of it doesn't really make a lot of sense.
I'll totally take everything you've said on board so thankyou very much (:

[diehtc0ke]

thanks for the feedback, I totally agree with you about the rhythm thing and I know most of it doesn't really make a lot of sense.
I'll totally take everything you've said on board so thankyou very much (:I don't know how old you are but have you taken a poetry class? If not, even just reading some good recent poetry would help you in figuring out what rhetorical devices are at your disposal and can be used to strengthen your writing. Even if these methods fall flat, it can only get better.

[gilfers]

I don't know how old you are but have you taken a poetry class? If not, even just reading some good recent poetry would help you in figuring out what rhetorical devices are at your disposal and can be used to strengthen your writing. Even if these methods fall flat, it can only get better.

I'm 17 (: I'm doing A Level English so I do kinda do stuff like that,
but I am into reading more poetry and stuff.
thanks for all the advise and everything, means alot that people want to help and stuff (:

[diehtc0ke]

Haha. I'm trying to become an English professor so that's my job.
You're welcome, by the way.

[gilfers]

Haha. I'm trying to become an English professor so that's my job.
You're welcome, by the way.


that's totally awesome
I think you'd be goood at something like that 'cos you're good at explaining stuff.
haha, not to sound weird (Y)

[thespearkid]

I'd say as a song it works, to a certain extent. People listening to music aren't (usually) interested in the poetics of lyrics.
Sense when? I know when I listen to music, I listen for lyrics over everything else. I know that doesn't apply to everyone but I'd say there are an equal amount of people who listen for lyrics as who listen for other things.

[diehtc0ke]

Sense when? I know when I listen to music, I listen for lyrics over everything else. I know that doesn't apply to everyone but I'd say there are an equal amount of people who listen for lyrics as who listen for other things.I worded what I meant poorly. I meant that usually, in my opinion, people don't judge musical lyrics with the same set of criteria as they do poetry. I'm not saying that the lyrics can be shit but you couldn't really compare much of today's musical lyrics to actual poetry in terms of quality. Music lyrics and poetry (again, usually) do different kinds of work.

[gilfers]

Sense when? I know when I listen to music, I listen for lyrics over everything else. I know that doesn't apply to everyone but I'd say there are an equal amount of people who listen for lyrics as who listen for other things.

I agree, I listen to the lyrics more then the music.
(:

[Joshuah1]

In America, we put a comma before the "and" when listing things. No grammar mistake.


Well i am English, you speak our language so get it right mate.

[SomedayTheFire]

Well i am English, you speak our language so get it right mate.
Shut up.

[gilfers]

Ugh. OK. This isn't really much of a poem or lyrics. There aren't enough poetic devices (metaphors, similes, alliteration, structure, meter, etc.) so its basically just flowery talking. Also, cliches. Stop using them. I don't know why I bother posting criticism here anymore since it's basically the same five people posting the same poem over and over again and complimenting each other even though I haven't read a good poem in this forum in weeks.

who are you to say what makes a poem or a song? seriously?
how many songs in the charts at the moment contain poetic devices? poetry is a way of expressing feelings and doesn't have to have a specific structure or like you said everything would be the same.

[thespearkid]

who are you to say what makes a poem or a song? seriously?
how many songs in the charts at the moment contain poetic devices? poetry is a way of expressing feelings and doesn't have to have a specific structure or like you said everything would be the same.
I didn't say it wasn't a poem. I said it wasn't much of a poem. I don't care about whatever shitty songs are on the charts right now, that's irrelevant. There are certain things that all poems (and good lyrics) should have and this piece is lacking in all those areas. No, it doesn't have to have a specific structure but that doesn't mean you can just say whatever you want, hit enter every few lines, and call it poetry.

[thespearkid]

Well i am English, you speak our language so get it right mate.
Ever heard of dialect? Go away.

[SomedayTheFire]

Ever heard of dialect? Go away.
I was going to say that, but I didn't know if it was the right word.