Never give up..

[Kirsty.com]

Pick me up and turn me round,
Hold me close and choose what you've found.
Make the choice and pick your fate,
dont ever worry, because your not too late.

I know it seems silly, and you probably dont care
but i hope you know what youve done, when your not even there.
Paint my future with your hand in mine,
Put the past with the regrets and just give it time.

Shoot for then moon, and hope you hit,
Aim for the stars and pray you fit.
Make your mark and impress my law
Create your rules, and make my cure.

Your my God, and Im your follower,
But your excuses are just making my heart seem hollower.
these words are just words and even if they rhyme
Its not like they have the power to turn back time.

[Kirsty.com]

Opinions? I dunno about this one really:/

[Calvin's Shadow]

*Disagrees* sounds good A* :)

[gilfers]

that is seriously good, made me go :O
love it
love your style.

[mandiboo17]

Love it.
;)

[Karlie_R]

Amazing, that almost completley explains the relation I have with somebody right now! wow, I needed to read that
Great poem!

[Kirsty.com]

Why thank you(: I wasn't 100% certian on if i liked it or not, glad I impressed a few people, read and comment my other stuff?

[lew_1987]

This is far too direct. You need to find ways to create metaphors and images in the reader's mind. Also, hollower... should be 'more hollow'. Although I know you're trying to rhyme, it just doesn't sound good. If I'm honest, the last two lines are the only lines I think are worth saving.

[Kirsty.com]

Your so supportive. HAHA.

[Addictx]

I would have to agree with Lew_1987
I dont really like that style of rhyming at all

to me its very, "im a little emo kid cutting myself in the corner" poem
no depth, no life, no color
just "my life sucks"
read up on some of the great poets in our world
you might pick up somthing

[Kirsty.com]

I would have to agree with Lew_1987
I dont really like that style of rhyming at all

to me its very, "im a little emo kid cutting myself in the corner" poem
no depth, no life, no color
just "my life sucks"
read up on some of the great poets in our world
you might pick up somthing

If you dont have anything nice to say, Don't say anything:/

[lew_1987]

Your so supportive. HAHA.

I'll take this as sarcasm.

If you didn't want honest feedback, then you really shouldn't post your lyrics. If you just want a load of "This is really great!" comments, then just keep your lyrics between you and your friends. Friends will give you the answer you want, but not the answer you need.

I didn't even attack you personally, I told you what I honestly think will improve your writing. It was constructive criticism, i.e. I didn't just say I didn't like it, I told you specific things I would change and gave you hints and how you could improve generally. I don't see what there is to get offended over.

[Addictx]

then don't post something if you don't want criticism
not everyone's going to be all "omg omg omg its like so good omg"

if you cant take it then don't post

[Kirsty.com]

LOL. Your botth crazy. Thanks I guess. Just hurt my feelings how you think im all emo and stuff :/ Whateverrr.

[Addictx]

no, your just inexperienced in the field of poetry and need VAST improvement

[Kirsty.com]

Whats Vast? Im only like 15 you know. I do it cause it helps me express my feelings. Read my other stuff, and let me know what you think? they might impress you more, I dont know.

[Addictx]

god I hope you are kidding

[Kirsty.com]

No:S I wanted to recive feed back.It wasnt that bad surely?

[Addictx]

Vast- of very great area or extent; immense: the vast reaches of outer space.

[Kirsty.com]

Ooooh. LOL. Sorry. :L Stop judging me and just judge the writing. Infact you already did. So yeah.

[Addictx]

your writing should be a reflection of you therefore when I judge your writing I judge you

[Kirsty.com]

So your judging me? Why? I never asked you to judge me:S Weird.

[leedaviesYEAH]

That's really good =D

[Kirsty.com]

Thank you(:

[thespearkid]

OK. You need to read some professional level poetry. I'm sure this simple stuff can impress people who don't know what good poetry really is but to any serious readers, your writing style is very elementary using simple rhyme schemes and cliched metaphors.

Check out some Robert Frost ("Home Burial" is a good place to start). I feel like since he writes about regular everyday issues a lot, you can really learn something from reading his poetry and analyzing, figuring out why it's good poetry.

[Kirsty.com]

Thanks for the advice(: