My Poems...

[insanechick94]

where would we be?
if you had trusted me,
listened to what i had to say?
how could you believe the lies?
look me straight in the eyes,
would i ever try to hurt you?
never
you shoulda asked me
i coulda told you
it woulda been okay
shoulda,coulda, woulda,
but you didnt
why?
am i wrong?
i never said those hateful words,
to you,about you
i said i loved you,
i said good things,
i remembered in a good way.
so why couldnt i stay?
why did i have to be wrong?

[insanechick94]

did you wish upon a star last night?
cuz every night i do
i wish i may,i wish i might
some really do come true

i wished upon a star last night
i sure hope it will come true
the very wish i wished last night
was not for me, but you

[insanechick94]

comments anyone??

[rckstr29]

The second one is really good

[insanechick94]

thank you

[Kirsty.com]

I like both, but the second one is VERY good:)

[insanechick94]

really???

thanks :-) i appreciate it

[Jabble524]

I really like the first one. I think that it captures how difficult relationships can be.

[insanechick94]

thanks thanks.

[insanechick94]

i think you're ready now
to hear what i never got to say to you
only some of what you heard was true
did you ever stop to wonder,
about my side of the story
after i would say i'm sorry?
if you would listen, just hear me out
i could explain, without a doubt
i need to go at my own pace,
or i'll end up falling on my face
you never got to hear the nice things i say
they only told you of my mistakes
i only ran away
'cause she said you didn't want me to stay
she said you were happier without me
and happy's how i wanted you to be
she said i needed to let you go
but there is still so much i wanted you to know
i wanted to fix things before i left
but instead i made a bigger mess
i needed to talk to you alone
and i couldn't tell it over the phone
I want to tell you the whole story,
but first i want to say
"I'm sorry"

[insanechick94]

i see the look on your face
bitter contempt, utter hate
all i can do is run away
and you do the same
we're crashing into each other
a nosediving plane
i cant do it alone
and neither can you
i wont grow up
until you do
the look on your face
bitter contempt, utter hate
it didn't have to be this way

[cauterize_this]

SO
I'm not overly fond of the slang in the purple one.. It would be more powerful if you say should have, would have, etc.

The blue one.. same issue with the slang. Even changing "cuz" to "cause" would look better.

The green one is pretty good, but it lacks substance, and the rhyming is odd.

I like the red one, it just needs capitals. That's just my opinion though, as I'm crazy about grammar, even in poetry.


I'll probably make a better comment later, when I'm done writing my essay and have time

[Troggy]

Since I haven't seen anyone in this thread that appears to be the least bit knowledgable about writing, I will provide you with one legitimate opinion. Everything you have posted in this thread is horrible. Let's face it, you are between the ages of 13 and 16 and these 'poems' look like the transcripts from your last four phone calls. Instead of trying to pass this off as literary work someone else could possibly enjoy, why not actually give the subjects of these 'poems' a call and tell them how you feel? I would never expect more than a select few people your age to have any writing skill whatsoever, but if you don't know even the most basic things that make poems appealing to others, you should probably do your homework before asking people for actual opinions.

[insanechick94]

thankss.

and thanks for giving me your honest opinion

[himynameisalan]

not bad, not bad at all :-)

[Meenaghey Aym]

lol wow thank you troggy... i reading down the replies thinking are they reading the same thn I'm reading??? Look ppl without honest CONSTRUCTIVE criticism NONE of us stand any chance to get better. To be blunt and seeing as troogy already was. they were horrendous.. how old are you? 1st i dont think troggy doggy :viking: was VERY (meaning he slightly was) constructive however honest.

the 1st one... ur grammar is dumb, u use no imagery(which you dont have to but u shud experiment with it), too many trivial questions, no good answers

2nd one... although seemingly heartfelt.....fell short of anything close to VERY good. it was plain as can be... if ur writing a poem you want it to be unique to urself. not something just anyone can write but something YOU came up with. otherwise just stick to writing in ur journal dear.

3rd one... and 4th one... still pretty crappy but they had substance. still grammar, shitty, and they didn't say much. try taking an idea and expanding into actual "poetry" :jayz:

[MCSmate]

I dislike the colorful writing. Sorry, but it's better to post in normal fonts and colors.