The Sparrow

[oddwithoutend]

See the flowers on the door of your neighbour’s place
Show the spirit of wishful days
But in her rush she found a patch of dying pines
With green eyes, with green eyes

See the misery of the folks on the barren streets
Like skinny birds of a barely breathing fleet
They watch an angel carried through pressing times
Innocent and free of winter with green eyes


Feel the harsh wind blow through a young boy’s clothes
He smiles softly as he shivers in the cold
Reason enough to believe his wet boots will dry
He will roam the countryside with green eyes


See the grass shine brightly against the sun
As an air to believe you’re not the only one
Let us see the world from the view of a morning sky
Promising so young and high like green eyes

[oddwithoutend]

It would be nice if you folks could tell me what you think of this one.

[CellarGhosts]

I like it. "Promising so young and high like green eyes" is an awkward line; not too sure about that one. In fact, the "green eyes" bit at the end of each stanza feels a little weird. If I were you, I'd do away with it entriely and come up with something new. but that seems to be the recurring theme here and focus, so I'm sure you want to keep it. In that case, work with it and try and make each "green eye" bit flow a little better.

That being said, it's solid. "But in her rush she found a patch of dying pines" and "Feel the harsh wind blow through a young boy's clothes" were my favorite lines. Keep it up.

[oddwithoutend]

I like it. "Promising so young and high like green eyes" is an awkward line; not too sure about that one. In fact, the "green eyes" bit at the end of each stanza feels a little weird. If I were you, I'd do away with it entriely and come up with something new. but that seems to be the recurring theme here and focus, so I'm sure you want to keep it. In that case, work with it and try and make each "green eye" bit flow a little better.

That being said, it's solid. "But in her rush she found a patch of dying pines" and "Feel the harsh wind blow through a young boy's clothes" were my favorite lines. Keep it up.

I have to admit that it's kind of sad that my central theme is the most awkward, but I do agree. Actually, The last line of each stanza has been reworked for that very reason. I'll think about it some more and try to make it fit a bit better, or perhaps find a smooth substitute for "green eyes". Thanks for taking the time to give some advice man.

[CellarGhosts]

Sure thing man. The one thing I would do to the "green eye" bits would be to add some sort of adjective before "green eyes". This, in my opinion, would help it flow a little better, and add a little more interest, or 'color' (no pun intended hah). For example, "with brilliant green eyes, with brilliant green eyes", or "he will roam the countryside with wondering green eyes", etc.

Just my two cents. Good luck with it.

[oddwithoutend]

Sure thing man. The one thing I would do to the "green eye" bits would be to add some sort of adjective before "green eyes". This, in my opinion, would help it flow a little better, and add a little more interest, or 'color' (no pun intended hah). For example, "with brilliant green eyes, with brilliant green eyes", or "he will roam the countryside with wondering green eyes", etc.

Just my two cents. Good luck with it.

Good idea. I'll try to work that in.

[CellarGhosts]

Thanks. Hope it works for ya!