The Taste of Sea [Archive] - AbsolutePunk.net

SeeYouSeptember

02/16/09, 11:40 AM

I'd love anything comments and suggestions.

If I was in the ocean would you let me drown
If I was in a fire would you let me burn
I'm all over the news, the boy who died
The taste of guilt is what you'll earn

Your murder was silent but deadly
You tore my letter
And threw it into the sea
Your words was the best thing you gave me

If I was a smoker would you let me die
If I was a drinker would you let me drink
Drown myself in bottles, the one who tried
My ship has already started to sink

Your murder was silent but deadly
You tore my letter
And threw it into the sea
Your words was the best thing you gave me

You were the best thing God gave me
I'll be gone forever
As long as she's okay
As long as she's okay...

thespearkid

02/17/09, 03:07 PM

If I was in the ocean would you let me drown
If I was in a fire would you let me burn
I'm all over the news, the boy who died
The taste of guilt is what you'll earn
Ocean, fire, drown, burn. How many songs/poems have used these metaphors? They're called cliches and good poems don't have them. Avoid them at all cost. This also goes for roses, darkness, rhyming "tears" with "fear", and a plethora of other terms.

Your murder was silent but deadly
You tore my letter
And threw it into the sea
Your words were the best thing you gave me
Edited a grammar mistake. The last two lines are sort of awkward to recite. They don't flow very well.

If I was a smoker would you let me die
If I was a drinker would you let me drink
Drown myself in bottles, the one who tried
My ship has already started to sink
This pattern of "if i was (blank), would you let me (blank)?" is really boring. Also, you used drown again. It's still just as cliche as it was before. Ships sinking, also cliche. The last two lines don't really flow into each other at all. Although they're both talking about the same subject, they have nothing to do with each other in any poetic sense. If they're in the same stanza, they really should try to relate to each other more.

You were the best thing God gave me
I'll be gone forever
As long as she's okay
As long as she's okay...
Four lines. Four cliches.

Overall, I'd have to say that your biggest problem is cliches. If you continue to write with them, no one will care about what you have to say because you're basically saying the same thing that thousands of poets/songwriters have said before in exactly the same way. Also, within your stanzas, it sometimes seems as the lines contained therein aren't relating to each other whatsoever. There's a reason why stanzas exist, to place lines that relate to each other (thematically and poetically) together. Lastly, it was just boring. Even the parts that weren't really cliche were just really uninteresting. You give us no reason why this particular situation the narrator is in is different from the millions of people who go through the same thing everyday so the reader doesn't care.

These lyrics are ready to be put on the next Paramore album. That's not a good thing at all. Try harder.