Looking Beyond.

[Kirsty.com]

Looking beyond the eyes of your look,
I can see what everyone else once took.
Where happy endings meant you and me
And in your arms was my only place to be,

Rose petals fluttered and magic was all love
The wind whispered a million stories all sent from up above.
When the feeling in my heart grew far too strong,
The only thing I could do right, was doing everything wrong.

Lying on my bed of nails. Wishing you were here
Pain ran down my back and then suddenly you appear.
I thought you were my knight, my knight in shining armour
But then she came from around my soul and took and created calmer.

The stars paint a picture, for everyone to see,
Like a giant masterpiece in the sky, all sights of course are free.
But I cant seem get this image out of my head,
You and her all snuggled together, tucked up tight in bed.

I pick up my pen and find my paper,
Thinking to myself, I can make them hate her.
Poring my entirety of my feelings abroad,
You’re my only saviour because you’re my only lord.

Seeing now, once again, I’ve been pushed aside.
Never knowing if one day I will re-new my pride.
Holding onto the autumn leaves, watching them change colour
Tears my heart and makes me sad, no one right now can fill me any fuller.

I know it seems cliché and you’ve probably heard this before
But I mean what I say, so why now have you broken my law.
You seem to make up every excuse in the book
Looks like your train ride, just ran out of luck.

[thespearkid]

For a poem like this, you need a beat. Make sure your lines have around the same number of syllables and that the words flow in a similar manner from line to line. And again, stop using cliches. If you have two of them in every stanza (which you do) there is no way the poem can be good.

[Kirsty.com]

Thanks for the advise.

[leedaviesYEAH]

I thought that was really good but like that random guy said it needs to be similar syllables each line (Y)
But twas gooooooooooood =D