The Place You Once Called Home

[Calvin's Shadow]

The water falls from the sky bouncing off the blacktop and on to the pavement
And the gathering of water forces itself down the drain into the basement
The faces and races of our natural force are made to make this
Come as a suprise when heartlessness and darkness cover the radius
And now I'm supposed to sit back while you spread the fakeness
When nothing's held intact but me and you try to break this
Well I'm sick of the tension and all you do to me
And I'm trying not to mention the fact that I hate that you breathe
I run my hands through my hair stressed and about to leave
I can't believe I was stupid enough to stay so close to you
And I hope my going is proof enough I can bare to lose
And leaving's the only real thing that I've got left to choose

(Chorus)
I don't need to protect myself from this dialect
And I know I won't erect an idea to what is next
I searched for the truth and all I've got is what's left
So this is living proof I can never escape this mess

All these lies and distrust have got you floating up above us all
And I'm sitting here for fate waiting for you to drop the ball
Because, since you've been on top all you have done is stall
And a certain science applies, when what goes up has to fall
And you never thought it true but I'm watching the collapse
This is all that you held intact now you have fear's relapse
Once it's all done the unstoppable contrast will come fast
Live with the fleeing memory of how it was to relax
So you see through bloodshot eyes that all you've done's in vain
And it might come as a suprise when you see how much we've changed
The lame excuse for a home you once called will never be back to live
And everything you once thought right is flawed and for years been rid

(Chorus)
I don't need to protect myself from this dialect
And I know I won't erect an idea to what is next
I searched for the truth and all I've got is what's left
So this is living proof I can never escape this mess

[Calvin's Shadow]

This is a song I'm working on, it probably can do with some changes but any advice will be appreciated. :)

[fishingthe_sky]

First off, if really are 14 then I am impressed with the overall effort put into this. Far better than what we've been seeing from this demographic.

That being said, I'm not going to lie when I tell you I didn't really read past the first verse. This is far too heavy handed, and it got too tedious to finish. The rhyme scheme here feels like it's been yoked into working, rather than flowing naturally. Also, you're being overly descriptive here, and it borders on discursive. Work to condense your lines by eliminating all but what is absolutely necessary to get your point across.

[Meenaghey Aym]

yes natural flow is important for readability which i am all about if your trying to display the beauty of your art to your audience. somethings seemed too simple to be with the extensive description on other parts..also did not like the rhyme scheme.. some extremely simple and bland rhymes that detract from the possibility that the verses cud be powerful. overall i think it needs work but it has a strong foundation. not to mention, as fish sed, major props for your age
2.5/5*stars*

[TBS0116]

rhymes too much, not bad

[Calvin's Shadow]

First off, if really are 14 then I am impressed with the overall effort put into this. Far better than what we've been seeing from this demographic.

That being said, I'm not going to lie when I tell you I didn't really read past the first verse. This is far too heavy handed, and it got too tedious to finish. The rhyme scheme here feels like it's been yoked into working, rather than flowing naturally. Also, you're being overly descriptive here, and it borders on discursive. Work to condense your lines by eliminating all but what is absolutely necessary to get your point across.

Yeah I am 14, thanks for the comments guys, I'll try to work on my description levels, and looking back at it it seems like I could have made it more clearer to read.