Eraser

[x1onexwo1fx]

Before I post the poem, I want to say something real quick. After going through... I don't know, maybe three or four pages on this forum, I noticed that it's basically a dump full of fourteen-year-olds who don't know a thing about good poetry and can't take criticism if their lives depended on it. No offense, of course, everyone has to start somewhere. So instead of saying "OMG this is the best thing ever!" I want real constructive criticism, whether it's positive or negative. Also, I'm hoping that the more mature members on here can tell me that I've grown away from that "bad" stuff. A little background about me: I've been writing poetry and lyrics since seventh grade, I'm a senior in high school, and I'm currently taking AP Lit (I took AP Lang last year). Anyway, here's my most recent work, and the first that I'm posting in this forum.


"Eraser"
You used to draw my picture
In the margins of your notes
You drew me with such detail
From my head down to my toes

And yet I always took up
So little of your paper
I was never the focus
I’ll be this small forever

I wished that I could reach you
In the deepest of your heart
But I could never alter
The essence of your art

Feeling so unimportant
I shall make my final wish
To disappear from your life
I want to cease to exist

Erase me from these pages
As if you’ve made a mistake
Make sure you don’t leave a smear
Like the ones you used to hate

Tear me up into pieces
With little scraps of rubber
Brush me off the edges
To vacuum me up later

And I’ll do the same to you

[cauterize_this]

Surprisingly, I enjoyed it. It's much better than most of the crap that people try to pass off as poetry on here. I think that the language you use makes the poem. It conveys maturity, and understanding, yet the subject of the poem seems immature and youthful. It really contrasts nicely. I'm also impressed with how well you use symbolism. However, it seems very concrete, almost like you adhered to some strict guidelines. It doesn't have a natural flow to it, or a sense of personal flair, but that comes with time and experience as you develop your writing style. I hope this helps, and keep up the good work. You should post some more of your work, I'd like to read it. :)

[x1onexwo1fx]

Surprisingly, I enjoyed it. It's much better than most of the crap that people try to pass off as poetry on here. I think that the language you use makes the poem. It conveys maturity, and understanding, yet the subject of the poem seems immature and youthful. It really contrasts nicely. I'm also impressed with how well you use symbolism. However, it seems very concrete, almost like you adhered to some strict guidelines. It doesn't have a natural flow to it, or a sense of personal flair, but that comes with time and experience as you develop your writing style. I hope this helps, and keep up the good work. You should post some more of your work, I'd like to read it. :)

I actually did try to make every line exactly seven syllables, which, in retrospect, probably threw off the flow a bit. Oddly enough, I'm aware that I've written poems that flowed well when I wasn't consciously counting the syllables, and yet they had very little rhyme or just seemed kind of odd to me. I guess I'm still experimenting. Thanks for your comment, though! I'll definitely post some of my other work.

[diehtc0ke]

I actually did try to make every line exactly seven syllables, which, in retrospect, probably threw off the flow a bit. Oddly enough, I'm aware that I've written poems that flowed well when I wasn't consciously counting the syllables, and yet they had very little rhyme or just seemed kind of odd to me. I guess I'm still experimenting. Thanks for your comment, though! I'll definitely post some of my other work.
This doesn't work stylistically when you're not taking the rhythm of the line into consideration. So, you have the first stanza with a specific kind of flow, which is then jarringly interrupted by the first line of the second stanza with "always." The rest of the poem seems to resist that kind of caesura.

Outside of form, I'm sorry, but I'm done with this kind of "omg she doesn't love me" content. Maybe that's how you're really feeling right now but it's the same thing that everyone else is writing about on these boards. Take more chances. Make more mistakes. Get messy.

[cris545]

I appreciate your attempt at structuring things, but I think you concentrated too much on the 7 syllables. I think you should rewrite the same thing without giving yourself any syllable restrictions, because you got caught up in it and ended up with really simple, weak lines.

I also noticed you may have been trying to rhyme words on your 2nd lines with words on your 4th. Most of them didn't work, rhyming-wise. Be careful with them, rhymes sometimes end up having you write bad lines just for the sake of rhyming.

I suggest stearing away from the structure of the poem, and focusing more on content. Once you have a good content then I'd say go ahead. Also have in mind that structure rules can be broken, as long as they're broken with a reason and not randomly.

Overall, you're lacking experimentation with words and in general. The whole idea of being erased is being used too literally, and it's cliché.

Hope this helps.
_____

"Eraser"
You used to draw my picture
In the margins of your notes
You drew me with such detail
From my head down to my toes

Those first three lines were fine, but the last one could be better, ''head to toe'' seems too expected. You could maybe try to single out a detail that only she knows about you, don't be afraid to exaggerate things.

And yet I always took up
So little of your paper
I was never the focus
I’ll be this small forever

Again, those three lines were fine but the last one seems weak. You could describe feeling ''small'' in so many different ways, I think this was too literal.

I wished that I could reach you
In the deepest of your heart - stay away from this phrase! really cliché
But I could never alter
The essence of your art

I understand this, but the heart/art rhyme seems really forced.

Feeling so unimportant
I shall make my final wish
To disappear from your life - cliché
I want to cease to exist - cliché

Erase me from these pages
As if you’ve made a mistake
Make sure you don’t leave a smear
Like the ones you used to hate - weak two lines

Tear me up into pieces
With little scraps of rubber
Brush me off the edges
To vacuum me up later - the word vaccum has a really heavy sound to it that sounds really awkward.

And I’ll do the same to you

[x1onexwo1fx]

I appreciate your attempt at structuring things, but I think you concentrated too much on the 7 syllables. I think you should rewrite the same thing without giving yourself any syllable restrictions, because you got caught up in it and ended up with really simple, weak lines.

I also noticed you may have been trying to rhyme words on your 2nd lines with words on your 4th. Most of them didn't work, rhyming-wise. Be careful with them, rhymes sometimes end up having you write bad lines just for the sake of rhyming.

I suggest stearing away from the structure of the poem, and focusing more on content. Once you have a good content then I'd say go ahead. Also have in mind that structure rules can be broken, as long as they're broken with a reason and not randomly.

Overall, you're lacking experimentation with words and in general. The whole idea of being erased is being used too literally, and it's cliché.

Hope this helps.
_____

"Eraser"
You used to draw my picture
In the margins of your notes
You drew me with such detail
From my head down to my toes

Those first three lines were fine, but the last one could be better, ''head to toe'' seems too expected. You could maybe try to single out a detail that only she knows about you, don't be afraid to exaggerate things.

And yet I always took up
So little of your paper
I was never the focus
I’ll be this small forever

Again, those three lines were fine but the last one seems weak. You could describe feeling ''small'' in so many different ways, I think this was too literal.

I wished that I could reach you
In the deepest of your heart - stay away from this phrase! really cliché
But I could never alter
The essence of your art

I understand this, but the heart/art rhyme seems really forced.

Feeling so unimportant
I shall make my final wish
To disappear from your life - cliché
I want to cease to exist - cliché

Erase me from these pages
As if you’ve made a mistake
Make sure you don’t leave a smear
Like the ones you used to hate - weak two lines

Tear me up into pieces
With little scraps of rubber
Brush me off the edges
To vacuum me up later - the word vaccum has a really heavy sound to it that sounds really awkward.

And I’ll do the same to you

I'm starting to like this forum.

[x1onexwo1fx]

This doesn't work stylistically when you're not taking the rhythm of the line into consideration. So, you have the first stanza with a specific kind of flow, which is then jarringly interrupted by the first line of the second stanza with "always." The rest of the poem seems to resist that kind of caesura.

Outside of form, I'm sorry, but I'm done with this kind of "omg she doesn't love me" content. Maybe that's how you're really feeling right now but it's the same thing that everyone else is writing about on these boards. Take more chances. Make more mistakes. Get messy.

Well then. I'm sorry if my real life experiences are too cliche for you. ;__;

I kid.

I used to make stuff up, but then at some point, my poetry became exclusively autobiographical, and just happened to be mostly about "she doesn't love me." It's kind of odd to think that, though my style may have progressed through experimentation, the subject matter that I address has...well, regressed, I guess. Or maybe just stayed the same with few deviations. I'm not entirely sure if there's really anything wrong with writing about the same thing over and over again, but I'll try to think outside the box every now and then, for your sake as well as mine. Thanks for the feedback.

[diehtc0ke]

Well then. I'm sorry if my real life experiences are too cliche for you. ;__;

I kid.

I used to make stuff up, but then at some point, my poetry became exclusively autobiographical, and just happened to be mostly about "she doesn't love me." It's kind of odd to think that, though my style may have progressed through experimentation, the subject matter that I address has...well, regressed, I guess. Or maybe just stayed the same with few deviations. I'm not entirely sure if there's really anything wrong with writing about the same thing over and over again, but I'll try to think outside the box every now and then, for your sake as well as mine. Thanks for the feedback.Of course I can't tell you that you should never write about when you've got female troubles but I just read a couple of poems and all of them had the same exact subject and hence my frustration. I think if you want to write those kinds of poems, you should mess with form a little more. As Cris and I have both said, the seven syllable restriction made the poem seem limited. I have to agree with the suggestion that you get rid of it entirely.

[x1onexwo1fx]

Of course I can't tell you that you should never write about when you've got female troubles but I just read a couple of poems and all of them had the same exact subject and hence my frustration. I think if you want to write those kinds of poems, you should mess with form a little more. As Cris and I have both said, the seven syllable restriction made the poem seem limited. I have to agree with the suggestion that you get rid of it entirely.

I just looked back at some of my older poems from two years ago or so, where I'd write about some different subjects and concentrate on form as well as content. I think you might really like those. What worries me is now I feel like I used to be good at writing. Maybe I'm just not as inspired? Any suggestions you could possibly give?

[diehtc0ke]

I don't know. Nothing's been really inspirational to me recently so it's hard to give that type of advice. I do find a spark when I'm reading poets that I really love like Milton or William Carlos Williams (extremes, I know). I don't know where you live but, being in Queens, sometimes I get on the train, get off at a random stop and walk around. New surroundings, especially here, lead to new experiences.

[fishingthe_sky]

I just looked back at some of my older poems from two years ago or so, where I'd write about some different subjects and concentrate on form as well as content. I think you might really like those. What worries me is now I feel like I used to be good at writing. Maybe I'm just not as inspired? Any suggestions you could possibly give?
You're too young to start doubting your talents as a writer, mostly because you're still in the beginning stages of your craft. This is the point where you should not be comparing, but rather exploring. One of the great things about the age your writing as is that you're still very early in your exposure to the bevy of great poetry that exists. This is the time that you should be going nuts with form and language. I know that when I was 17/18, I wrote arguably my most "creative" work (meaning my most experimental work); this isn't to say it was by best work, but it just opening up by mind to the extent of my range when it came to form, subject, and language. Look at what poetry you love and just go wild is what I'd say.

If you're looking for inspiration, I have a couple of suggestions: a) go to the book store and pick up a big poetry anthology (for a first anthology I would suggest getting one that covers modern and contemporary poets, preferably one that has poets from both the US and the UK); thumb through it and read the poetry of many different poets. This will enable you to see a wide range of style and subject matter. b) research different poetic forms (like sonnets, sestinas, villanelles, and rondeaus) and attempt to write one. It will force you to write outside of your comfort zone, which will consequently give you more tools to use when writing whatever you want.

Hope this helps


As far as the poem goes: I agree with most of the comments that the subject is a bit tired and the language is too simplistic to an effective emotive register. Work on the content first before you go for the form, and the off-rhymes aren't working.


"But I could never alter
The essence of your art"
I did like this little phrase, though. It was by far the strongest part of the whole piece.

"Feeling so unimportant
I shall make my final wish
To disappear from your life
I want to cease to exist"
This, on the other hand, was probably the weakest stanza of the whole piece. Just oozing melodramatic cliches.

"And I’ll do the same to you"
You want to avoid these attempts to put a final punch on your pieces. In the context of poems like these, lines like this are rarely effective at doing what they're intended to do, and come across as either cheesy or as a cop out

[andrew4045]

aHoIMBXKSos

[lew_1987]

This was above the average posts we get here. I liked the idea to start with (i.e. the first two paragraphs), but it got a little bit cliché from there, and the decent metaphor you started with couldn't take it. I'd like to see you go deeper rather than dancing around it.