Abstract Poem

[Mike Smith]

Wrote this but i'm not 100% sure why

Do you like it?

Illusion takes over reality
And were thrown in with it
Taking our lives and hopes and dreams
As sublime as everything dissapears

Wanting to be here instead of there
Hunger that goes into the walls
You'll never find the light, it doesnt flicker
You forgot the enchantment of candles

[fishingthe_sky]

Not necessarily "abstract." More like incredibly vague and unaffective. Some points that need to be made: the first line pretty much spells out the entire poem, thereby effectively nullifying the need to read any further (please, don't show us what you're writing. this isn't a research paper, we don't need an abstract. TELL us in the lines themselves what the idea is); there's no clear connection between the two stanzas, and the switch from plural to singular pronouns amplifies this; you desperately need punctuation, especially with such short lines; "our lives and hopes and dreams" is a line that represents the worst kind of cliched generality; 6th line makes no sense whatsoever; "it doesn't flicker" is pretty useless here, as you eliminate even the need to describe a quality of a lit candle in the phrase before and line after it;

[Mike Smith]

Not necessarily "abstract." More like incredibly vague and unaffective. Some points that need to be made: the first line pretty much spells out the entire poem, thereby effectively nullifying the need to read any further (please, don't show us what you're writing. this isn't a research paper, we don't need an abstract. TELL us in the lines themselves what the idea is); there's no clear connection between the two stanzas, and the switch from plural to singular pronouns amplifies this; you desperately need punctuation, especially with such short lines; "our lives and hopes and dreams" is a line that represents the worst kind of cliched generality; 6th line makes no sense whatsoever; "it doesn't flicker" is pretty useless here, as you eliminate even the need to describe a quality of a lit candle in the phrase before and line after it;

Thanks for the input. Like i said im still not 100% sure why i wrote it and it came out weird because i was just randomly writing something. I mean i thought of the weirdest thing to write about and this is what came out. It's not the whole thing, but im thinking about tossing it because like you said it makes no sense lol

[x1onexwo1fx]

Thanks for the input. Like i said im still not 100% sure why i wrote it and it came out weird because i was just randomly writing something. I mean i thought of the weirdest thing to write about and this is what came out. It's not the whole thing, but im thinking about tossing it because like you said it makes no sense lol

Stupid. Don't toss it. Keep it so that years from now when you're better, you'll laugh at how horrible you were. Or better yet, try to make it the best it can be to the best of your current abilities. Most of the writing process is only revision, anyway.

[Mike Smith]

Stupid. Don't toss it. Keep it so that years from now when you're better, you'll laugh at how horrible you were. Or better yet, try to make it the best it can be to the best of your current abilities. Most of the writing process is only revision, anyway.

True i guess i should keep it. And i probably will end up revising this and adding onto it to make it more of a poem than just a random babble of nonsense lol

But thanks! :]