nearly finished - this was fun to write

[beau blood rush]

How To's (Get Into The Kleenex Business)

pawned off the rushes i’d saved up for a rainy day
only to shoot you through my veins
and i’m pretty sure that your front-porch wasn’t built for (this kind of thing)
you’ve got me grounded (that or down)
but three stories later up a highrise you’ll learn that some boys are born to fly

everybody loves a tearjerker,
and nobody can make you leak like me
moments like these
moments like these
are sink or swim and i’ve always got a toe or two in

(missing the way you make me feel insincere)

i wish i was born the fool cause it’s not the best one to grow into
somehow you,
hit and runs and hanging tires always find a way to make a mess of me
so i’ll go down quietly,
kicking and screaming

hitch-hiked another therapists couch home
note; “still feel alone”

everybody loves a tearjerker,
and nobody can make you leak like me
moments like these
moments like these
are sink or swim and i’ve always got a toe or two in

(missing the way you make me feel insincere)

wake up in more ways than one
and kick your habit for another fix or just blink once and fake interest

(missing the way you make me feel insincere)

everybody loves a tearjerker,
and nobody can make you leak like me
moments like these
moments like these
are sink or swim and i’ve always got a toe or two in

[beau blood rush]

updated

[fishingthe_sky]

I'm sort of confused as to the subject matter here. In the verses (especially the 2nd one), it seems as though the speaker is the one who's suffering, yet the chorus makes it seem as though they're the one's causing it. The speaker seems to be playing both sides of the coin, and it's not directing me (at least) to how I should feel at the end of it.

As a point of form, I know this is a song, so line breaks and the like aren't necessarily a top priority, but some of the lines should be broken down into two. This would improve the flow of reading it. The one's that stand out most are the last line of the first verse and the little bridge part.

I liked these lines:
hitch-hiked another therapists couch home
note; “still feel alone”
But I want to read it as "still feeling alone" which would improve the flow of the 2nd line as compared to the 1st.

"(that or down)" makes no sense, and I don't know why it's here.
Also,
somehow you,
hit and runs and hanging tires always find a way to make a mess of me
These lines aren't clear in the flow of ideas at all. Plus, the hanging tires is an entirely unclear metaphor, and I don't know what purpose it's serving.

[beau blood rush]

i wonder if it was a mistake attempting to tell both sides in one song to an extent.
i wrote the chorus to come across as arragant and self reflective.
where as the verses i attempted to make them the part that the listener relates to.
everybody loves a tearjerker is a line constructed to be a real sing-a-long line

[fishingthe_sky]

i wonder if it was a mistake attempting to tell both sides in one song to an extent.
i wrote the chorus to come across as arragant and self reflective.
where as the verses i attempted to make them the part that the listener relates to.
everybody loves a tearjerker is a line constructed to be a real sing-a-long line
I think for this style you need to pick one view point and stick to it. The only way multiple view points work is if you're writing in a narrative structure, as it allows you to provide the context needed to convey differences in speakers/attitudes/whathaveyou. Things like sympathy or arrogance get lost here because it's not clear there are two different sides. It's not enough to intend certain emotions, because you can't will listeners (or in this case, readers) to understand the sentiment behind the lines. You have to give them enough context to find the sentiment in the lines without your explanation. Choose a side and stick to it, and this will instantly become a stronger piece.

[beau blood rush]

hey man i will definitely take that advice to heart i have an idea on how to fix the chorus already

also to explain your questions with this:

""(that or down)" makes no sense, and I don't know why it's here.
Also,
somehow you,
hit and runs and hanging tires always find a way to make a mess of me
These lines aren't clear in the flow of ideas at all. Plus, the hanging tires is an entirely unclear metaphor, and I don't know what purpose it's serving."


the line "you’ve got me grounded (that or down)" means you've got me grounded, either that or you've just got me feeling down, shortening it works in australian language, do americans not shorten their sentances that way?


and as for "somehow you,
hit and runs and hanging tires always find a way to make a mess of me"


hanging tires are obviously a metaphor as a romantic place (see the song; kiss me and various movies)

and combined with hit and runs brings the metaphor of being run over by a car (tire)


the metaphor is saying the romance kills me

i though that was one of the more clever lines

[fishingthe_sky]

The (that or down) part makes sense with your explanation, but as it stands on a paper it's linguistically a mess. The way you've tacked on the extra little idea relies way too much on the previous phrase, and relegating a sentence to two words is not enough to make your meaning clear. Why restate what you just said in order to make another point (feeling down)? It would be much clearer if you just put the juxtapostion of feeling down, rather than trying what you're doing here.

Despite what you think, the metaphor is not an obvious one. You're relying on too much on your own thinking. Of course you'll think the metaphor is obvious because you wrote it. The problem is that tire swings are not universal symbols of romance, and relying on movies like kiss me to be the foundation for this is not a smart way to go about proving your metaphoric meaning, as most people would probably not conjure up ideas of romance when they hear "tire swing" and movies like that are not necessarily considered timeless movies that everyone sees. When I think of tire swings, I think of being a kid and playing on them, not anything romantic. The idea is all well and good, and I see what you're trying to do with your juxtaposition, but you're not giving us enough to get what that is. You need to provide more than just the image in order for this to be metaphorically sound.

[beau blood rush]

cheers man

i'll consider changing (that or down) to (either that, or down),
in the context of the song that vocal will most likely be further in the background than the main verse.
so in all i think the line "you've got me grounded, either that, or down" i don't want to say "feeling down" because the down plays on its regular meaning with the word grounded - if you get what i'm saying (its hard to explain over this) it's kinda saying that to the kid the songs point of view is in, there's not much difference between "grounded" and "down" in both meanings of both words. hopefully i've explained that well enough.

with the other one, i think i'll change up "mess of me" into something that is more obviously something to do with being hit by a car, like "run over me" or something which works better flow wise.
that will strengthen the line a bit more metaphorically probably.
as for the metaphor in general regarding the hanging tire's you've convinced me to at least get a few more opinions and ask people what image a hanging tire gives them.
oh and just for the sake of it, i was referring to the song kiss me and various movies, not a movie kiss me.

also i don't believe i have to make it too obvious on what i'm trying to say, i want it to take people a while to figure songs out.
i just need to make it obvious enough

[fishingthe_sky]

Egh, I really think you could do away with the whole "either that." I think something like "or just down" could work. Or even "and down" because as you said, there's not much difference here, so the "or" statement isn't really a huge contrast. Making them complementary instead of in contrast will strengthen the juxtaposition you make in the following line. Speaking of, I think you could get rid of the "later" in that line.

As for the other metaphor, I agree that you don't have to make your metaphors blatantly obvious. That's just boring. What I was trying to say is that you shouldn't build metaphors off idiosyncratic knowlegde or personal sentiment because it requires listeners to depend on having your working knowledge, rather than a general one. It makes the metaphor too inaccessible. But by no means do I think metaphors have to be so obvious they are bland and lifeless. Sorry if that's what you thought, I didn't mean to say that.

[eliselovesmusic]

Possibly your best yet I reckon....

The first verse was so enigrammatic! It made me laugh too...

"but three stories later up a highrise you’ll learn that some boys are born to fly" is a mother flippin' awesome line! I'm glad you left that as the last line of the verse coz other wise it wouldn't have given the reader/listener time to process what you've written.

"everybody loves a tearjerker,
and nobody can make you leak like me" just wondering - did you think of this line or the title first? It's a good line coz it gives you a picture of... er... the story and the setting when you wrote the song (assuming it's based on personal experience?)

"hit and runs and hanging tires always find a way to make a mess of me" Awesome line. You write quite similarily to me in the way that you take two metaphors or allusions and work them together to create a scene or sentence that makes perfect sense if you think about it carefully. Respect dude.

"so i’ll go down quietly,
kicking and screaming" I also like to put polar opposites together in songs... It's effective and makes me stop and think WTF? and then I smile and go OMG THAT'S CLEVER! haha...

"hitch-hiked another therapists couch home
note; “still feel alone” another good line. It doesn't quite make sense to me but therapist's couches and feeling alone are always a good (if a little depressing) mix :-)

"wake up in more ways than one" you could possibly even write it as "wake up (in more ways than one)"

"and kick your habit for another fix" This reminds me of one of my favourite lines off FOB's new album: "detox just to retox"

"just blink once and fake interest" is this meant to be another witty, metaphoric line or should I take it literally..?


Oh and great title too. But as far as titles go: no one can beat "I Said 'George Bush Once Said...' To Make Myself Sound Intelligent But It Did The Opposite" or "Wanna Go Out(side)?" :-d


Your bands a bit of a screamo band isn't it..? I would personally prefer to hear this being sung rather than screamed. You should email it to Pete Wentz and Ryan Ross lol it would make a great tchno/rock or just rock song for sure (just my opinion though)

[beau blood rush]

Egh, I really think you could do away with the whole "either that." I think something like "or just down" could work. Or even "and down" because as you said, there's not much difference here, so the "or" statement isn't really a huge contrast.

i'm not sure if we're talking about the same thing but there is a massive contrast between feeling "grounded" and "down" in the emotional respect - the way that it plays on the words is that in the literal meaning of grounded and down they're completely the same.
maybe there really is a language barrier between our two countries (maybe: either that or.., is slang down here and doesn't exist up there?) because it really makes sense to everyone I've shown down here?

as for the other one i will make the metaphor more obvious in the way i mentioned.
but i think its a stretch to just assume that hanging tires don't have a romantic connotation to anyone just because they don't to you (no disrespect) because when i think of them i think of teenage romance
so i think i should just ask around a bit more


and cheers elise
the line
"blink once and lose interest" is a play on the saying "blink and you'll miss it" obviously my version is a comment on no one really giving a shit about anything anymore

and my band is not a screamo band haha
we have lots of new stuff coming soon (recording properly for the first time in a studio atm)
but you can hear out old stuff in these places


www.myspace.com/forourhero
www.youtube.com/theplaygroundmusic
www.youtube.com/forourhero


it's hard to explain what we are

[eliselovesmusic]

"blink once and lose interest" is a play on the saying "blink and you'll miss it" obviously my version is a comment on no one really giving a shit about anything anymore





(strokes beard) I see

[*ambien*]

ambien.
is.
coming.