May of 03'

[Mike Smith]

I wrote this and it's kind of based off one of my relatives, but i just wrote it in the perspective of a grandmother because it was easy to do.

Thought or comments would be nice!

When i think of my grandmother
I think of wheelchairs and yarn
And i think of how far she could have gone
If she hadnt lost her mind
Because she fell down and hit her head
All of her hopes and dreams are now dead
She cant remember the name of her favorite song
Which was by Bob Dylan, called Going, Going, Gone
She used to be able to cook greater than anyone else
Too bad she doesnt even know she still lives in her house
She cant drive a car, or spend time with me
For she lost her mind in may of 03'
I wish my grandmother was still here to stay
But now all her memory has gone away
I miss her like the moon misses the sun
For now we can never have any fun
She just sits there all day and stares blankly away
At something that we'll never be able to see
For she lost her mind in may of 03'

[andrew4045]

did not read

[CTMarshall]

did not read

well, aren't you a douche.

[Mike Smith]

did not read

Why?...

[Mike Smith]

well, aren't you a douche.

Thanks CT.

What do you think?

[fishingthe_sky]

I wrote this and it's kind of based off one of my relatives, but i just wrote it in the perspective of a grandmother because it was easy to do.

Thought or comments would be nice!

When i think of my grandmother
I think of wheelchairs and yarn
And i think of how far she could have gone
If she hadnt lost her mind
Because she fell down and hit her head
All of her hopes and dreams are now dead
She cant remember the name of her favorite song
Which was by Bob Dylan, called Going, Going, Gone
She used to be able to cook greater than anyone else
Too bad she doesnt even know she still lives in her house
She cant drive a car, or spend time with me
For she lost her mind in may of 03'
I wish my grandmother was still here to stay
But now all her memory has gone away
I miss her like the moon misses the sun
For now we can never have any fun
She just sits there all day and stares blankly away
At something that we'll never be able to see
For she lost her mind in may of 03'
While I sympathize with the subject matter, this reads like it was written by a 10 year old. I mean, come on, man, "Because she fell down and hit her head"? Seriously? Even the songs you were posting before were better than this.

Seriously, get ready for people to rip you a new one. Sorry.

[Mike Smith]

While I sympathize with the subject matter, this reads like it was written by a 10 year old. I mean, come on, man, "Because she fell down and hit her head"? Seriously? Even the songs you were posting before were better than this.

Seriously, get ready for people to rip you a new one. Sorry.

I know you're just trying to help me out, but i cant exactly write something any differently if thats how something ACTUALLY happened. How am i supposed to change that when its based off of something that ACTUALLY happened?

[fishingthe_sky]

I know you're just trying to help me out, but i cant exactly write something any differently if thats how something ACTUALLY happened. How am i supposed to change that when its based off of something that ACTUALLY happened?
I'm not saying "don't write what happened." I'm saying that the language you use is extremely juvenile, thus making it painful to read. I mean, what you wrote here is so damn literal that you might as well be writing a story called "What happened to my grandma" (not trying to be insensitive here, given the subject matter). Google things like "figurative language" and "metaphor" and really devote some time to reading what you can find about them. Read poems and see if you can't pick out figurative language once you feel you know what you're looking for. Then try to rewrite this.

[Mike Smith]

I'm not saying "don't write what happened." I'm saying that the language you use is extremely juvenile, thus making it painful to read. I mean, what you wrote here is so damn literal that you might as well be writing a story called "What happened to my grandma" (not trying to be insensitive here, given the subject matter). Google things like "figurative language" and "metaphor" and really devote some time to reading what you can find about them. Read poems and see if you can't pick out figurative language once you feel you know what you're looking for. Then try to rewrite this.

Ok...Well uh thanks for the "constructive criticism" i guess.

I will take it into consideration.

[tommy's ghost]

I'm not saying "don't write what happened." I'm saying that the language you use is extremely juvenile, thus making it painful to read. I mean, what you wrote here is so damn literal that you might as well be writing a story called "What happened to my grandma" (not trying to be insensitive here, given the subject matter). Google things like "figurative language" and "metaphor" and really devote some time to reading what you can find about them. Read poems and see if you can't pick out figurative language once you feel you know what you're looking for. Then try to rewrite this.

What he said. More allusions, less obviousness.