Speak not, my love

[x1onexwo1fx]

Speak not, my love
For your voice mustn’t waste upon
Indifferent ears

In these precious fleeting seconds
Your words of meaning have no use

Years of longing now fulfilled
These actions bind us ever close
And every subtle gesture will express
The loudest of emotion



Inspired by the genius that is ee cummings. My first poem since "Eraser," which can also be found on this forum. Again, I ask for constructive criticism, not short general statements like "oh, this is really good." ...though those can also be nice as well.

[fishingthe_sky]

First, I would say punctuate. Not that this poem necessarily needs it, as it's so short and none of the lines have any instances where punctuation would enhance or clarify; rather, it's just poor form to ignore punctuating your poem. And I am aware that ee cummings did away with most punctuation, but this poems is not operating in the same way as his poetry does (not supposed to be a jab at your writing, just a statement of fact).

I would also say that the language isn't really clicking here. The "Speak not, my love's" and "ever closer's" make this sound rather melodramatic. It's pretty tough to make these types of older phrasing not sound as such, especially when it's placed in such obvious subject matter. Consider revising it with fresher, more contemporary language. It would make this seem less hackneyed.

I would get rid of "of meaning" in the 5th line. The importance is both implied in the first stanza, and the clarification it provides only diminishes what power the line could have otherwise.

This needs some sort of clarification between the first 2 stanzas and the 3rd. It's not at all clear why the speaker would have "indifferent ears" yet feel so strongly bound by action. Unless the ears aren't his; in that case, the first two stanzas need to be given more context and clarity as to who the speaker is referring to.

"And every subtle gesture will express/The loudest of emotion" is just giving everything away. Give the reader something more interesting than simple explication of the scenario. Show, don't tell.

[x1onexwo1fx]

First, I would say punctuate. Not that this poem necessarily needs it, as it's so short and none of the lines have any instances where punctuation would enhance or clarify; rather, it's just poor form to ignore punctuating your poem. And I am aware that ee cummings did away with most punctuation, but this poems is not operating in the same way as his poetry does (not supposed to be a jab at your writing, just a statement of fact).

I would also say that the language isn't really clicking here. The "Speak not, my love's" and "ever closer's" make this sound rather melodramatic. It's pretty tough to make these types of older phrasing not sound as such, especially when it's placed in such obvious subject matter. Consider revising it with fresher, more contemporary language. It would make this seem less hackneyed.

I would get rid of "of meaning" in the 5th line. The importance is both implied in the first stanza, and the clarification it provides only diminishes what power the line could have otherwise.

This needs some sort of clarification between the first 2 stanzas and the 3rd. It's not at all clear why the speaker would have "indifferent ears" yet feel so strongly bound by action. Unless the ears aren't his; in that case, the first two stanzas need to be given more context and clarity as to who the speaker is referring to.

"And every subtle gesture will express/The loudest of emotion" is just giving everything away. Give the reader something more interesting than simple explication of the scenario. Show, don't tell.

Thanks for the help. Here's what I've come up with.



Do not speak, my love
You mustn’t waste your voice upon
Accustomed ears

For in these precious seconds left
Your words no longer have use

Though we've no want for periods
Each sentence will surely end
We both can't stop these moving hands

Years of longing are fulfilled
As these actions bind us tightly
And all that's needed now are
Subtle gestures



Improvement?

[fishingthe_sky]

Do not speak, my love
You mustn’t waste your voice upon
Accustomed ears
This stanza's much improved. What's killing me right now is "my love." It's still giving a melodramatic air to this poem. I understand its contextual necessity, but I can't help but wonder if there are ways you could make this clear without stating it this way.

For in these precious seconds left
Your words no longer have use
Get rid of the "For" and you've got it.

Though we've no want for periods
Each sentence will surely end
We both can't stop these moving hands
Get rid of "Though" and tie in the 2nd and 3rd lines together instead (Each sentence will surely end since/ We..." or something like that). It makes a stronger juxtaposition between the 1st and 2nd lines, plus creates a better aural and visual sensation of stopping after the first line. That's a line where you can use line breaks to amplify the power of your lines, and starting it with "though" makes it flow too deliberately to harness this power.

Years of longing are fulfilled
As these actions bind us tightly
And all that's needed now are
Subtle gestures
Get rid of the "and." With a poem like this, you can pack more of a punch by keeping your lines as concise and independent as possible. All of these extra bits of phrasing weaken the overall language use.

I think you've definitely improved it, and with a little more work, could be a solid little piece. I would like to see a sense of time worked into it better, as your mentioning of the hands of a clock is a little unfounded. It only weakly establishes a sense of temporality, and there is enough going on here were the temporal sense could be worked in. If you do decide to go this route, keep in mind the melodrama I mentioned i n the first draft, because it would be very easy to fall into the same trap trying to establish your sense of time.