#34

[Meenaghey Aym]

Hmmm... I am new to the site. I used to help run thespiritofmusic.com which was a lyric\poetry\community forum. It was hacked and I have yet been able to get in touch with our Admin as he lives in the Netherlands.... So maybe this will be a good site to post some work. I wrote this recently. Its loosely referencing The Counte of Monte Cristo. But based on my own situations...

Number 34

~Chrous~
This wrongful trial has burned my heart
We've lost our season and she's left me scarred
A bonapartist to be tried for treason
Leaves me with cynicism of bitter experience
In a perfect dream how does this pain still exist
Reading on the wall, "God will give me justice."

~Verse~
This pharaon voyage has cost her nothing
As Chateau d'If closes around me
I feel as driftwood as memories linger
Dont let our secret leave your finger
And I'll say enough is too much
But then you delay withholding my name from
Their sake for your cause of freedom
But they need this desperate father's love

~Chrous~
This wrongful trial has burned my heart
We've lost our season and she's left me scarred
A bonapartist to be tried for treason
Leaves me with cynicism of bitter experience
In a perfect dream how does this pain still exist
Reading on the wall, "God will give me justice."

~Verse~
Where is your God now in this bitter sorrow
As I leave Elba in the wake of tomorrow
I feel as if I'm buried by betrayal
The root of your wealth flowing from these nails
Cause you said you'd love me forever
And protect our sons from your saviour
Not defect as you so clearly have done
But they need this desperate father's love

~Chrous~
This wrongful trial has burned my heart
We've lost our season and she's left me scarred
A bonapartist to be tried for treason
Leaves me with cynicism of bitter experience
In a perfect dream how does this pain still exist
Reading on the wall, "God will give me justice."

[fishingthe_sky]

Please repost this in a color that is not so strenuous on our eyes. Preferably black. Thanks

[Meenaghey Aym]

i changed the colour... critique away...

[livingalive626]

i like it... but out of curiousity what style mucially were you looking for?

"A bonapartist to be tried for treason" seems somewhat awkward at that point in the chorus...

only thing i can really see on the negative side...and even then that might jus be me.

[Meenaghey Aym]

well im not versed in all the different kinds of classifications ppl hav come up with but i guess the music i hav with it cud be compared to KoRn. except the quote,"God will give me justice." is screamed... so i dont know if that helps you "envision" it. that line makes reference to be accused of a crime not guilty of.in both the story and my life.

[livingalive626]

yeah i know what it means i just meant the wording sounds a little awkward jus reading it. but maybe the music will correct that.

[thespearkid]

Black text, please.

[drag_in_d_flat]

why do you always post in baby blue?

[Meenaghey Aym]

oi vay... its cyan!! but I have already given in to the massive requests for black text and conformity! Can I get some feedback other than everyone hates my posting colour?! X-) Im not mad btw. I have another song on here that doesn't even have ANY replies and I think it is a pretty DAMN good song!:-(

[fishingthe_sky]

I feel as driftwood as memories linger
Dont let our secret leave your finger
And I'll say enough is too much
But then you delay withholding my name from
Their sake for your cause of freedom
But they need this desperate father's love

First, "I feel as driftwood as memories linger" is not proper grammar. You can feel "like" driftwood, not "as" driftwood. "I'll say enough is too much" is just egh. It's a weak attempt to liven up a hackneyed phrase, and it doesn't work. And then I don't even know what's happening in the next three lines. It's like a long run-on sentence that's composed of all of these phrases that are totally unclear. "Delay withholding" is inherently redundant. You use far too many vague pronouns to get a sense of what's going on.

What is a "pharaon"?

Also, you can't say this "loosely references" a literary work when the song clearly relies on the many aspects of the novel. A loose reference would be a passing reference to a location or a very weak connection to a plot element. Here, you use many of the essential plot elements and expositional details of the novel, thus making this song a strong allusion. Just so you know.

[xidreamofyou32x]

I really like this :]

[Meenaghey Aym]

First, "I feel as driftwood as memories linger" is not proper grammar. You can feel "like" driftwood, not "as" driftwood. "I'll say enough is too much" is just egh. It's a weak attempt to liven up a hackneyed phrase, and it doesn't work. And then I don't even know what's happening in the next three lines. It's like a long run-on sentence that's composed of all of these phrases that are totally unclear. "Delay withholding" is inherently redundant. You use far too many vague pronouns to get a sense of what's going on.

What is a "pharaon"?

Also, you can't say this "loosely references" a literary work when the song clearly relies on the many aspects of the novel. A loose reference would be a passing reference to a location or a very weak connection to a plot element. Here, you use many of the essential plot elements and expositional details of the novel, thus making this song a strong allusion. Just so you know.

ah some good constructive criticism! ur right it should be like driftwod..but i didnt like how simple it sounded..then again i dont want to sound retarded either huh?

So it is loosely based on it bc even tho it has many references it is about how my wife left and took my boyos from me. so enough is enough.. but it is too much... i love that line but maybe ur right. it is a vague song. unless you have the meaning behind it, it probably wont make much sense all the way thru.

she has been stalling me in court processes for the past 2 years and i havent seen my boyos. she wants them to forget me. but i believe that every boy cud profit from a GOOD father. so it means... she delays them seeing me to make them forget me, for the cause of "their freedom"

The Pharaon was the ship that Edmond Dantes was made captain of. Also the vessel he was travelling on when the "crime" was commited.

[fishingthe_sky]

[color=black]

ah some good constructive criticism! ur right it should be like driftwod..but i didnt like how simple it sounded..then again i dont want to sound retarded either huh?

So it is loosely based on it bc even tho it has many references it is about how my wife left and took my boyos from me. so enough is enough.. but it is too much... i love that line but maybe ur right. it is a vague song. unless you have the meaning behind it, it probably wont make much sense all the way thru.

she has been stalling me in court processes for the past 2 years and i havent seen my boyos. she wants them to forget me. but i believe that every boy cud profit from a GOOD father. so it means... she delays them seeing me to make them forget me, for the cause of "their freedom"

The Pharaon was the ship that Edmond Dantes was made captain of. Also the vessel he was travelling on when the "crime" was commited.
I see. The problem then is that you're relying too much on a personal experience that is not clearly expressed throughout the piece. Instead, you're relying on the novel to give the song meaning, yet it only muddies up what you're trying to say. No one is going to get hyper-personal songs, especially when they're in a convoluted allusion. Also, you cannot use a proper noun as an adjective, so you have to do something about the pharaon line.

[Meenaghey Aym]

i dont know if i agree with that... i think that using proper nouns adjectively is very common. maybe i didnt say it right but i think Pharaonian looks awful... but Canadian bacon? i can't quite figure out how to say it so ima quote someone else.

"One of the reasons a writer may choose to use a proper adjective is a strong association between the proper noun and the description at hand. Other proper adjectives used in this manner would include "Machiavellian," "Orwellian," "Pavlovian," or "Freudian." A ruthless politician might be described as a Machiavellian genius, for example, while an intrusive governmental policy could be seen as Orwellian. Because the proper adjective is formed from a proper name, such as Pavlov or Freud, it is also capitalized."

i get your point with the convoluted allusion but i guess if its put with other peices in a concept album it could work... without other points of reference it is hard to determine its meaning...

[fishingthe_sky]

i dont know if i agree with that... i think that using proper nouns adjectively is very common. maybe i didnt say it right but i think Pharaonian looks awful... but Canadian bacon? i can't quite figure out how to say it so ima quote someone else.



i get your point with the convoluted allusion but i guess if its put with other peices in a concept album it could work... without other points of reference it is hard to determine its meaning...
Canadian is an adjective formulated from a proper noun. Pharaon is a proper noun being used as an adjective. The two instances are not the same thing. Using adjectives formulated from proper nouns is very common, I agree. What you are doing is just poor English, and has rarely been used in a way that works. You also can't just write things because they look or sound "awful" or "typical."

You're now speaking in hypotheticals, which we are not dealing with here. If you want to make a concept album around this, then by all means go for it! But you hit the nail on the head with its indeterminacy without other points of reference.

[Meenaghey Aym]

Ok well then i guess where we are on it is it would would need to be "formulated" So Pharaonian. I cant take the word out bc it is an important illustration to the beginning avenue that led to the rest of the trouble. I have so many other songs that would help make a frame of reference. But at the same time other songs that use themed allusions don't neccessarily make complete senese. I think Alesana does this... But I think your right. In order to create reference I will set a few songs aside to be placed with this one. Thanks for your help.