Would You Mind?

[shortone1320]

Comment please, anything would be great,
Here's my Newest one-
Hop you like it, enjoy....

Would You Mind?:

I look from across the room
I catch your simile
as one stretches a mile
across mine as well
I'm left to wonder
How'd it be if you were mine
O, how I wish you were mine

Chorus:

Would you mind
If I take you by the hand
and call you mine?
If I craft this bout you
in hopes you fell this too
and how I hope you do

Stuck in friend mode
O, how I want to break the mold
I make this known
You want more time
and get to know
I agree
cause I'd do anything if you were mine
and how i wish you to be mine

Chorus

I'm left to dream of you
which mean you thought of me too
lets hope this to be true
cause you're the only one
I've waited so long to find
Your heart I hope I won
cause I wish you to be mine

Chorus

You leave me laughing
with a simile on my face
I hope I do the same
My wild heart
you'll have to tame
as all I can do
is simile and turn red
when I hear your name
and I never want it to end

I'll manage
but there'd be damage
if there's a 'no'
I'll never know
and I'm left to wonder
and all I can do is ask

Chorus

Would you mind?
I hope you don't at all
so Do you mind
if I take you by the hand
and call you mine?

[EatItSucka]

Where is the one I need?
For her I would suffer and bleed
Wish I could start over
Struggling to stay sober
What is the point of trying?
When all I am doing is dying

Like an addict on withdrawal
She was my heroin
And I’m all out of change
I’m in for some more sin

Hoping for a miracle
Waiting for a sign
Is some one watching over me?
Anything now is fine

The plate is empty
Mind overflowing
Rather starve than follow
Thinking is knowing

[shortone1320]

???

[EatItSucka]

I'm not allowed to post my own threads anymore, so I felt like adding to yours.

[thespearkid]

I was sort of digging it until I got to the last two lines of the first stanza. Then, I realized I was probably in for a typical teenage angst poem so I stopped reading. Then, I felt bad for being so quick to judge so I went back and read the rest. Unfortunately, it was a typical teenage angst poem.

Stop using cliches and come up with a more interesting way to say what you have to say.

[Meenaghey Aym]

um yea i think you may hav a good piece o say. but the way you say it is simple and cliched. more complexity is in order. make it true to be your own rather than words anyone could write.