Deciduous Bliss

[livingalive626]

hey this is a song i wrote for an experimental/indie project.
honest criticism would be appreciated.

Deciduous Bliss

Burn the poetry we
wrote on summer leaves when we
turned them over and
found ourselves alone

Goodbyes are a cancer that we
both detest
and im
dying here without you

stare into the distant sky
see the memories of those years
reflecting back into my mind but
you're not here
you're not here
and the wind doesn't carry
the laughter i long to hear
and these autumn months don't carry
the times i long to share with
you.

and i don't think winter will bring much hope but im
holding onto it

then maybe spring(then maybe spring)
will heal these wounds(heal these wounds)
and we can start this over again
can we start this over?(can we start again?)
can we start this over?
over again

[Meenaghey Aym]

I thot parts were repetatively simple. i loved the progression of season tho. it can show growth and the lack thereof. good stuff i think you should work a little more on it tho.

[livingalive626]

could you give an example of the repetative parts?
but thank you for the feedback.

[Meenaghey Aym]

well as a reader i understand that she's gone by the "many" lines that you mention it. its like you tried to fill up the song with that reocurring thot. maybe put more of why or how u deal or watever hav you. and the last part cud only be good if it were put well to music. it is simple and very repetative. overall again I like wat you have done but i think it could be more. :)


"you're not here
you're not here"


"then maybe spring(then maybe spring)
will heal these wounds(heal these wounds)
and we can start this over again
can we start this over?(can we start again?)
can we start this over?
over again"

[*ambien*]

ambien.
is.
coming.

[livingalive626]

ok thanks that helps:)

[brandnizzle2419]

i also appreciated the theme of the changing seasons, trite though it may be, but overall, i think if you worked on it more, you would end up with a better result. Although your consistency with your extended metaphor is impressive (a problem i struggle with), i think you could find something more to say about this "lost love." i particularly enjoyed the exploration of the leaf, but i'd like to see you expand on that idea instead of the seasons themselves. Seasons, they've been done, leaves in themselves are a harder find.
good luck, hope this was constructive!

[livingalive626]

again, thanks! but do you think its possible to jus keep the entire seasons thing, and jus add more to it?

[Meenaghey Aym]

yes

[livingalive626]

aight cool

[fishingthe_sky]

Strongest part is the first stanza. It has the best metaphor and the best instance of the season, as it's implied with a description rather than plainly stated. I would work to make your changes in seasons more subtle, like this one. It makes the theme seem less blatant and less trite.

You do need to expand this, as your uneven treatment of the seasons lend to me thinking you're straining to work the theme of seasonal change. "Goodbyes are a cancer" is very melodramatic, and melodramatics only weaken poetry. Your third stanza is probably the weakest, if only because it's recycling lines of yester-songs.

Also, I would suggested eliminating the word "Bliss" from the title. "Deciduous" still relates to the poem and clues readers on to the theme, but does not give away the overall sentiment that you're striving for. It retains a bit of mystery as to what is actually going on in the poem.

[livingalive626]

will do thanks much