Short Poem

[Calvin's Shadow]

I envy the man who can support his family
Because unlike him, I have no one to help
I can run all I like, but this karma's damning me
I know I'm trapped, like the water in a well

I've never figured out my main point or purpose
I'm kneeling to my doubt as a man who is worthless
I've waited all my life to see if I could deserve this
But I think I'm too nervous, so I can never be perfect

[Meenaghey Aym]

its very vague....hard to see where ur goin besides the obvious portrayal of lack of direction.but that is a vague statement in itelf.

[Michifoxx]

Its very good..
I can never be perfect either.

[fishingthe_sky]

Hmmm. Well, as far as the piece goes, the 1st stanza is stronger than the 2nd. Your metaphoric conceits are a little generic, but make a strong impression. The 2nd stanza sort of falls into the vein of confessional poetry, and it's just sort of weak. Plus, the language becomes pretty plain, and if it weren't broken up by lines, I wouldn't have really heard the rhymes in there. Also, karma here is being used as a vague concept, rather than a specific instance, so nix the "this." But some context would be better for the concept in general.

As far as topic goes, I can appreciate the sentiment, but coming from a 14 year old, it's a bit contrived. You're young, almost two young to start really concerning yourself about questions of "manliness" especially when you're comparing yourself to a family man. You're still at the stage where it's other people's job to help you, not the other way around. Wait a decade, then make another attempt at this.

Also, to you and to Michifoxx, the purpose of human life is not to be perfect. Stop worrying about what you aren't and start worrying about who you are and who you want to be. Both of you are young, and will figure it out in due time.

[Meenaghey Aym]

As far as topic goes, I can appreciate the sentiment, but coming from a 14 year old, it's a bit contrived. You're young, almost two young to start really concerning yourself about questions of "manliness" especially when you're comparing yourself to a family man. You're still at the stage where it's other people's job to help you, not the other way around. Wait a decade, then make another attempt at this.

i have to agree that this was my biggest turn off... its one thing to write about something that is a hard topic to write about without experiencing it. its another thing to write about something many people experience and you probably will just haven't yet.... if that makes ANY sense.. rereading it i dont know it it will... :-|

[Calvin's Shadow]

Hmmm. Well, as far as the piece goes, the 1st stanza is stronger than the 2nd. Your metaphoric conceits are a little generic, but make a strong impression. The 2nd stanza sort of falls into the vein of confessional poetry, and it's just sort of weak. Plus, the language becomes pretty plain, and if it weren't broken up by lines, I wouldn't have really heard the rhymes in there. Also, karma here is being used as a vague concept, rather than a specific instance, so nix the "this." But some context would be better for the concept in general.

As far as topic goes, I can appreciate the sentiment, but coming from a 14 year old, it's a bit contrived. You're young, almost two young to start really concerning yourself about questions of "manliness" especially when you're comparing yourself to a family man. You're still at the stage where it's other people's job to help you, not the other way around. Wait a decade, then make another attempt at this.

Also, to you and to Michifoxx, the purpose of human life is not to be perfect. Stop worrying about what you aren't and start worrying about who you are and who you want to be. Both of you are young, and will figure it out in due time.

I wasn't writing this as first person; you're right I can't be concerning myself with such things yet, but the story is of any other erson who's suffering from difficult experiences, "being perfect" is not the actually being perfect in itself, it's being the right person to apply yourself to face the dilema and control the problem.

I'm not trying to write this as if I'm "trying to be a man", I'm writing it as a testiment to those who have it rough and can relate, this story isn't true to myself but it is true to people I know.

As for the flaws in the lyrics themseles, I myself thought karma in itself wasn't strongly putting my point across, there are much more ways to adjust/replace the wording to explain better and I suppose it would be beneficial if I took more time in writing the lyrics clearly and openly showing the views that I'm trying to put across.

In any case, thanks for the criticism, you've given me something to think about.

[EatItSucka]

I envy the man who can support his family
Because unlike him, I have no one to help
I can run all I like, but this karma's damning me
I know I'm trapped, like the water in a well

I've never figured out my main point or purpose
I'm kneeling to my doubt as a man who is worthless
I've waited all my life to see if I could deserve this
But I think I'm too nervous, so I can never be perfect

I envy the one who can support his family
Cause I cant support myself
The world I see is so contradicting
Smoking a cigarette one after one

Cant find a point, what I got is dull
Lost my mind, its run away from home
Waiting for an angel, please take me away
Escort me from this hell today