need feedback asap

[cris545]

I have to turn in a portflio of revised poems for a class, criticize away!

Try not to move

It’s when youth travels through her
fingertips, making them curl and
bend into one thousand
knots, making her eyes close like
shuffling metal curtains, drawn
to block whatever daylight
has to say, that she decides
she will only trust the children
when they speak, because we talk of
shipwrecks and trainwrecks and still
wonder if lying still will keep
the innocence on our tounges,
but clenching blankets above
our heads will no longer keep
them away and our old skin
has already cracked beyond
repair.

[fishingthe_sky]

It’s when youth travels through her
fingertips, making them curl and
bend into one thousand
I don't know if you need both curl and bend here. It felt sort of redundant to me, and didn't make the image stronger through the reinforcement.

knots, making her eyes close like
shuffling metal curtains, drawn
to block whatever daylight
has to say, that she decides
I like the image you have here, but I wonder if there's not a way to condense it. The sentence seems to slouch a little once you hit "shuffling metal curtains, drawn". I think it's in large part because you're using the passive voice, so it makes everything feel stilted, rather than flow as well as it should.

she will only trust the children
when they speak, because we talk of
shipwrecks and trainwrecks and still
wonder if lying still will keep
the innocence on our tounges,
I really like the idea present in these last two lines; I'm more uncertain about the line that preceeds them. I want the idea of shipwrecks and trainwrecks to work, but it's not quite clear how the idea of children speaking about them is supposed to operate on a level of truth that the subject is trying to reach. I see potential in the idea, but it's not quite there yet. Also, I think the poem should naturally stop it's sentence here, otherwise it feels like it's being dragged on too far.

but clenching blankets above
our heads will no longer keep
them away and our old skin
has already cracked beyond
repair.
The "them" seems to be an undefined pronoun too many. Her and we work well, but this mysterious them needs some sort of context for it to be as affecting as it should be.

Overall a pretty solid poem. Interested to see how it turns out.

[cris545]

I agree about the shipwrecks and trainwrecks. I was trying to use it as a resistance to growing up, because shipwrecks/trainwrecks only happen when we're moving, thus ''try not to move.'' I should probably make this clearer, since it's not exactly the children who are speaking about them.

In terms of the poem being all one sentence, I agree it drags on. It used to be two sentences, but I'll chop it down since I don't think it's working.

I'll fix that ''them'' too, I thought of that when I wrote it. I just didn't want to say monsters, since that would evoke a much more literal reading.

Thanks tons for the comments.

[fishingthe_sky]

I couldn't decide if "them" were parents or monsters, and what connotations that meant for the "bigger picture." That's why I highlighted it.

[ArTkY_]

Fantastic line breaks, really. I can tell there was effort put into them. I like the way some lines seem to continue and then you read the next line... multiple possibilities. I love that in poetry.

Maybe you should separate stanzas, I think that would be good. Like:

It’s when youth travels through her
fingertips, making them curl and
bend into one thousand
knots, making her eyes close like,

shuffling metal curtains, drawn
to block whatever daylight
has to say. She decides
she will only trust the children
when they speak, because we talk of

shipwrecks and trainwrecks and still
wonder if lying still will keep
the innocence on our tounges.

clenching blankets above
our heads will no longer keep
them away, and our old skin
has already cracked beyond
repair.

I also noticed that it was one long sentence. Throw some periods in there, if you want. I added some extra punctuation as suggestions and removed some words.

Who is "we" referring to? Clarify.

[cris545]

thanks tariq :-) I'll consider this when I revise it again.

and just to clarify quickly, we refers to adults.