need feedback asap pt II

[cris545]

this one I'm not too happy with (it has somewhat of a similar theme from the previous one)


souls

In the mornings, she lies right between
when the curtains are drawn up and
when eyes are trying to recover from brightness.

It’s an internal controversy that arrives
as soon as swing sets align with the dirt
and feet touch the ground.

When wind rushes past her ears
whistling through line breaks on her skin,
she will not hear anyone speak.

Flying had been the preferred method
of transportation,
of oscillating between point A,

point B,
because flying is better than walking,
and sleeping is better than waking,

but swing sets bring you back and forth,
and landing requires your shoes to be tied
and your Soles to be thick.

[fishingthe_sky]

In the mornings, she lies right between
when the curtains are drawn up and
when eyes are trying to recover from brightness.
I like this, but I don't like the double use of "when." It's probably just me, but it just doesn't sound "on," if you get what I mean. I think everything here is a great image, but the language is not conveying it as strong as I see it.

It’s an internal controversy that arrives
as soon as swing sets align with the dirt
and feet touch the ground.
Hmmm. I'm conflicted about "swing sets."A part of me feels like the swing set is the whole apparatus, and doesn't necessarily work as the right image, but I feel like it's a clarifier that's sort of necessary. So idk. But I do like the metaphoric conceit here.

When wind rushes past her ears
whistling through line breaks on her skin,
she will not hear anyone speak.
I'm not sure what the second line is supposed to be conveying, image-wise.

Flying had been the preferred method
of transportation,
of oscillating between point A,
Ditch the "of"in the third line and you've got yourself a solid stanza

point B,
because flying is better than walking,
and sleeping is better than waking,
I feel like the first line is too terse for the style you've got going on here. Even "and" would make it work better. I don't know about the following lines. To me, they suffer from the attempt to play on the obvious similarity of walking and waking. It's a great and effortless way to tie in the two ideas together, but the two words are just so obvious that they lack oomph.

but swing sets bring you back and forth,
and landing requires your shoes to be tied
and your Soles to be thick.
I think if you did away with the first "and" and ended the first line with a ; it would be a stronger stanza. I also think that the capitalization of "soles" is sort of forcing the homonym of soul. Discerning readers will surely pick up on this, and your work is good enough that you don't have to give it up for less than discerning ones.

Good luck with your portfolio. Been there, hated it, but it certainly makes your work better.

[cris545]

thanks, really appreciate it, I think those few detail changes make it sound a lot better, especially in the last stanza.

I think I'm still going to revise these after I get comments on the portfolio, then possibly re-post them.

[fishingthe_sky]

Please do. I like your work and look forward to seeing what you do with these, if you re-post them.