belly button rings and a backlight; feed back please

[TBS0116]

belly button rings, and a backlight

At least i stay the same, but you just change your name
for whatever day of the week it is
the "sweetheart yeah I'm in town", i guess nothing can bring you down
when you find yourself at rock bottom
sweetie you're lucky, i know how this sounds
cause i only hate you half as much as I'm hating myself
sweetie you're lucky, you don't understand
That I'm blaming you for giving it a second chance

I'm skipping out on town, your skipping out on your dignity
Colorado, New York City
What corner will you cry in tonight?
same boys, old excuses
tear your heart out, so abusive
But I'm not worried whose floor, your clothes lay on tonight

Hows it feel to be broken habit, 3000 miles and you still can't stand it
I can see why you lose sleep at night
I hope the winter just eats you away, drunk kisses take place of your sleep
as you try to forget the past two years
sweetie you're lucky, i know how this sounds
cause i only hate you half as much as I'm hating myself
sweetie you're lucky, you don't understand
That I'm blaming you for giving it a second chance


I'm skipping out on town, your skipping out on your dignity
Colorado, New York City
What corner will you cry in tonight?
same boys, old excuses
tear your heart out, so abusive
But I'm not worried whose floor, your clothes lay on tonight

You say you hate them, go on just leave
at least no one is holding you back
I say you made it, that bed that you sleep in
telling you what you lack

You'll never be happy again, and I'm not falling into love
And I'm not falling for you
I'll never be happy again, and you're not falling back in love
And I'm not coming back anytime soon


I'm skipping out on town, your skipping out on your dignity
Colorado, New York City

[eliselovesmusic]

ooh harsh....

Pretty cool though.... I'm liking all your song titles though.

Got music to them?

[TBS0116]

i was gifted with athleticism, unfortunately you cannot use that to your advantage singing or playing music. so no :/ :(

[fishingthe_sky]

At least i stay the same, but you just change your name
don't need "but" here

for whatever day of the week it is
the "sweetheart yeah I'm in town", i guess nothing can bring you down
Break this line up.

when you find yourself at rock bottom
sweetie you're lucky, i know how this sounds
Don't use "sweetie" and "sweetheart" in the same stanza. It oozes cheesiness.

cause i only hate you half as much as I'm hating myself
Give Fall Out Boy their line back. This is not a clever allusion.

sweetie you're lucky, you don't understand
That I'm blaming you for giving it a second chance

I'm skipping out on town, your skipping out on your dignity
What does the last part of this line even mean? How do you skip out on someone else's dignity? Also, "skipping out on town" just sounds awkward. Nix the "out."

Colorado, New York City
What corner will you cry in tonight?
same boys, old excuses
tear your heart out, so abusive
But I'm not worried whose floor, your clothes lay on tonight

Hows it feel to be broken habit, 3000 miles and you still can't stand it
Apostrophe in "how's." Again, break the line up. And also, I know for a fact that Colorado and New York City are not 3000 miles apart, so without a frame of reference for another state, this is just wrong.

I can see why you lose sleep at night
I hope the winter just eats you away, drunk kisses take place of your sleep
as you try to forget the past two years
sweetie you're lucky, i know how this sounds
cause i only hate you half as much as I'm hating myself
sweetie you're lucky, you don't understand
That I'm blaming you for giving it a second chance


I'm skipping out on town, your skipping out on your dignity
Colorado, New York City
What corner will you cry in tonight?
same boys, old excuses
tear your heart out, so abusive
But I'm not worried whose floor, your clothes lay on tonight

You say you hate them, go on just leave
at least no one is holding you back
I say you made it, that bed that you sleep in
telling you what you lack

You'll never be happy again, and I'm not falling into love
And I'm not falling for you
I'll never be happy again, and you're not falling back in love
And I'm not coming back anytime soon
Third line does not match with the rest of this at all. Where's the rationale for it?

I'm skipping out on town, your skipping out on your dignity
Colorado, New York City

All in all, egh. Reads like a Fall Out Boy b-side, circa TTTYG.

[TBS0116]

At least i stay the same, but you just change your name
don't need "but" here

for whatever day of the week it is
the "sweetheart yeah I'm in town", i guess nothing can bring you down
Break this line up.

when you find yourself at rock bottom
sweetie you're lucky, i know how this sounds
Don't use "sweetie" and "sweetheart" in the same stanza. It oozes cheesiness.

cause i only hate you half as much as I'm hating myself
Give Fall Out Boy their line back. This is not a clever allusion.

sweetie you're lucky, you don't understand
That I'm blaming you for giving it a second chance

I'm skipping out on town, your skipping out on your dignity
What does the last part of this line even mean? How do you skip out on someone else's dignity? Also, "skipping out on town" just sounds awkward. Nix the "out."

Colorado, New York City
What corner will you cry in tonight?
same boys, old excuses
tear your heart out, so abusive
But I'm not worried whose floor, your clothes lay on tonight

Hows it feel to be broken habit, 3000 miles and you still can't stand it
Apostrophe in "how's." Again, break the line up. And also, I know for a fact that Colorado and New York City are not 3000 miles apart, so without a frame of reference for another state, this is just wrong.

I can see why you lose sleep at night
I hope the winter just eats you away, drunk kisses take place of your sleep
as you try to forget the past two years
sweetie you're lucky, i know how this sounds
cause i only hate you half as much as I'm hating myself
sweetie you're lucky, you don't understand
That I'm blaming you for giving it a second chance


I'm skipping out on town, your skipping out on your dignity
Colorado, New York City
What corner will you cry in tonight?
same boys, old excuses
tear your heart out, so abusive
But I'm not worried whose floor, your clothes lay on tonight

You say you hate them, go on just leave
at least no one is holding you back
I say you made it, that bed that you sleep in
telling you what you lack

You'll never be happy again, and I'm not falling into love
And I'm not falling for you
I'll never be happy again, and you're not falling back in love
And I'm not coming back anytime soon
Third line does not match with the rest of this at all. Where's the rationale for it?

I'm skipping out on town, your skipping out on your dignity
Colorado, New York City

All in all, egh. Reads like a Fall Out Boy b-side, circa TTTYG.

1, same amount of syllables, easy to read, flows when you're singing it.
2, no
3, i write a three and four in the morning you're right could use a better word
4, sorry for not having a completely original idea. taking back sunday and brand new used the same line in multiple songs, last time i checked they were richer than any 22 year old blogger telling teenagers how awful their work is.
5, its not on someone else's dignity, its her dignity she's skipping out on. like hmmm not having dignity. thought that was a little too strait forward.
6, again.. with the tough guy act, "i know for a fact that...." too bad thats not at all what I'm talking about. i'll give you the run down, colorado and new york city are two cities that her previous "love" interest are, and when they come back, anytime, she'll have sex with them. hence losing your dignity. second. i love in new york. its ABOUT 3000 miles from florida. where i'm moving in two summers to get away from everyone here in new york. maybe ask a fucking question about the lyrics before you go and try to make me feel like an idiot for saying new york city and colorado are 3000 miles away. is that cool J.K. Rawlings? sometimes the point of music is to leave you guessing a little bit. if everything i wrote was strait to the point and everyone knew what i was talking about then it would be really boring. like that thirteen year old girl you ripped apart cause her writing wasn't amazing, there's a difference between constructive criticism and being a prick.
xxx
EX. hey you should try being easier in your replies. _ constructive criticism
hey ass hole, no one fucking cares for your harvard poetry nonsense. if you wanna be a royal dick about everything, join a fucking poetry club... this is an internet forum, everything isn't perfect._Prick

oh btw fishingthe isn't a word, and requires a space between the g and t. and fishingthe sky isn't a complete sentence, it needs a period.

have a good day

[Duexy]

You asked for feedback.

[TK]

You're a fucking idiot.

[livingalive626]

ditto to the above

[fishingthe_sky]

1, same amount of syllables, easy to read, flows when you're singing it.
2, no
3, i write a three and four in the morning you're right could use a better word
4, sorry for not having a completely original idea. taking back sunday and brand new used the same line in multiple songs, last time i checked they were richer than any 22 year old blogger telling teenagers how awful their work is.
5, its not on someone else's dignity, its her dignity she's skipping out on. like hmmm not having dignity. thought that was a little too strait forward.
6, again.. with the tough guy act, "i know for a fact that...." too bad thats not at all what I'm talking about. i'll give you the run down, colorado and new york city are two cities that her previous "love" interest are, and when they come back, anytime, she'll have sex with them. hence losing your dignity. second. i love in new york. its ABOUT 3000 miles from florida. where i'm moving in two summers to get away from everyone here in new york. maybe ask a fucking question about the lyrics before you go and try to make me feel like an idiot for saying new york city and colorado are 3000 miles away. is that cool J.K. Rawlings? sometimes the point of music is to leave you guessing a little bit. if everything i wrote was strait to the point and everyone knew what i was talking about then it would be really boring. like that thirteen year old girl you ripped apart cause her writing wasn't amazing, there's a difference between constructive criticism and being a prick.
xxx
EX. hey you should try being easier in your replies. _ constructive criticism
hey ass hole, no one fucking cares for your harvard poetry nonsense. if you wanna be a royal dick about everything, join a fucking poetry club... this is an internet forum, everything isn't perfect._Prick

oh btw fishingthe isn't a word, and requires a space between the g and t. and fishingthe sky isn't a complete sentence, it needs a period.

have a good day
Awww, did I hurt your wittle feewings? Grow a sack, man. You're 23 and you're bitching like I just insulted your mom on the playground. Do you even know what "constructive criticism" means? If you can't take people finding issues with the stuff you post and commenting on what they find issues with, then don't post.

-J.K. Rowling

[Duexy]

You're a fucking idiot.



this.




also i think this song sucks dick. please be mad.

[xidreamofyou32x]

Very good job, I really like it

[h0merg0mez]

You've got talent. I think this is too straightforward, though. It doesn't suck by any means.

[Tead42]

1, same amount of syllables, easy to read, flows when you're singing it.
2, no
3, i write a three and four in the morning you're right could use a better word
4, sorry for not having a completely original idea. taking back sunday and brand new used the same line in multiple songs, last time i checked they were richer than any 22 year old blogger telling teenagers how awful their work is.
5, its not on someone else's dignity, its her dignity she's skipping out on. like hmmm not having dignity. thought that was a little too strait forward.
6, again.. with the tough guy act, "i know for a fact that...." too bad thats not at all what I'm talking about. i'll give you the run down, colorado and new york city are two cities that her previous "love" interest are, and when they come back, anytime, she'll have sex with them. hence losing your dignity. second. i love in new york. its ABOUT 3000 miles from florida. where i'm moving in two summers to get away from everyone here in new york. maybe ask a fucking question about the lyrics before you go and try to make me feel like an idiot for saying new york city and colorado are 3000 miles away. is that cool J.K. Rawlings? sometimes the point of music is to leave you guessing a little bit. if everything i wrote was strait to the point and everyone knew what i was talking about then it would be really boring. like that thirteen year old girl you ripped apart cause her writing wasn't amazing, there's a difference between constructive criticism and being a prick.
xxx
EX. hey you should try being easier in your replies. _ constructive criticism
hey ass hole, no one fucking cares for your harvard poetry nonsense. if you wanna be a royal dick about everything, join a fucking poetry club... this is an internet forum, everything isn't perfect._Prick

oh btw fishingthe isn't a word, and requires a space between the g and t. and fishingthe sky isn't a complete sentence, it needs a period.

have a good day
Welcome to the internet, sir.

[TBS0116]

Welcome to the internet, sir.

haha tead you made my day. i was actually trashed ouy of my mind during that reply, pretty upset. i'm 19 so everyone knows. fishingthe sky didn't mean to be such a dick. thanks for the advice