Diamonds

[livingalive626]

another song for my experimental/indie project...feedback would be great.

Diamonds

As we dim the lights we'll
forget what we look like in
sunlight
chemicals will get the best of us as we
sleep it off
repeat.
repeat the lines you used yesterday
to get what you want
to get what we "need"
we need direction
reform our preconceptions
life is less than we think
we think diamonds will fill a
void inside
material or sensual
and they are the hardest to break
to break free of

darkness.
guide me by touch.
i swear.
this precipice won't hold
the both of us

(sorry for any mispellings im kinda rushed right now)

[Meenaghey Aym]

pretty straightforward i guess.
"repeat the lines you used yesterday"
I like that. simple but effective..

[livingalive626]

well ok you said straightfoward...
when i think of straighfoward i think of pop songs where the extended use of metaphors is nonexistent.
most of this song is a metaphorical concept.... subtle but graspable at the same time...
i don't want to get so caught in the poetry that people can't get the message.

[fishingthe_sky]

I think this definitely has potential. Your images are simple, but not dull (hah), and everything is concisely constructed around one idea.

I do think that perhaps your insistence on repeating words to push your lines is a bit too much for a piece this small. It can be an effective tool, but it also can be a sort of hackneyed technique (repeating "repeat" is the most blatant instance of this). I think you can move this along without relying on repetition so much. I also think that "material or sensual" is too general and obvious to really be affective here. Such vague generalities sort of destroy the narrow scope of the piece, and more generally rarely do anything significant to enhance a work.

I think the last stanza is not up to par with the first. Sort of reads like a cop-out, and definitely does not hold the weight of what you set before it.

[livingalive626]

thanks much for the criticism. i really want honesty.
and i understand how i might be taking it too far with repeating lines..but in one case in particular, im creating two different points.

we think diamonds will fill a
void inside
material or sensual
and they are the hardest to break
to break free of

i was refering here to the fact that diamonds are not only th hardest substance to break, but also to break free OF. (maybe this is obvious) but, hence my repitition there.
and what you said about the last stanza is noted. ill work on it.

[fishingthe_sky]

thanks much for the criticism. i really want honesty.
and i understand how i might be taking it too far with repeating lines..but in one case in particular, im creating two different points.

we think diamonds will fill a
void inside
material or sensual
and they are the hardest to break
to break free of

i was refering here to the fact that diamonds are not only th hardest substance to break, but also to break free OF. (maybe this is obvious) but, hence my repitition there.
and what you said about the last stanza is noted. ill work on it.
No, I got that, and I get the technique, and if there's only once instance you should keep, it's the one you highlighted here.

[livingalive626]

alright, thanks