Gravity

[TK]

I'm probably rushing this piece, because this is the first "complete" thing I've written for a while. I'm worried that the end, particularly the last stanza, is weak. So thoughts on the second half?

Push me out on the last limb
But fail to mention that the wood is rotten
And let us see how long it holds me
Before we hear a snap and I fall back
Towards the ground and it's gravity.
I prefer the smell of the air down there anyway.

Swing sets are merciless tricks
The higher I get, the more sure I am
That I'll take vacancy of this seat and fly away
But the longer I swing, the more I realize
The further I go means the farther back I'll fall
And I've grown content with this concept of gravity.

Does it matter how high you jump?
As long as your feet leave the ground?
Does it matter how often you jump?
As long as you don't wear yourself out?

There is only one option to avoid this
I must find a great body and take a swim
Give myself a chance to dangle my arms
Let air be evicted from my lungs, and
Feel something beneath my feet that is uncertain for once.

These choices always come down to impulses
A growing desire to change things up
Oh I have that desire to jump
But not without knowing what I'm getting into
So I'm sorry about this, but I don't know you
And gravity is compelling me to stay where I am.

Does it matter how high you jump?
As long as your feet leave the ground?
Does it matter how often you jump?
As long as you don't wear yourself out?

[eliselovesmusic]

The first two stanzas are really good dude :-)
Especially the first two lines - Love em! I can imagine Sir Pete Wentz coming up with it haha...

The repeated stanza is alright... Would it be about taking everything with a pinch of salt or what? (That's what I got out of it anyway)

The fourth verse is a bit er waffly.... OMG I just used the word waffly....
Haha but anyway it kind of doesn't seem to have much of a punch to it but that's just my opinion.

I actually really like the second to last stanza. It says "Fuck off weirdo" in a subtle and witty way. "gravity is compelling me to stay where I am" is a great line - If you wrote it into a song it might work well in the chorus... In fact that whole stanza would :-)

Sometimes I find the stuff that I've just written down quickly is really good - often better than I originally think when I write it. This is possibly a similar scenario for you..?

[beau blood rush]

you have some really nice rhymes man, that i have no doubt.
i actually really like the fourth verse the most
also with:

Does it matter how high you jump?
As long as your feet leave the ground?
Does it matter how often you jump?
As long as you don't wear yourself out?


i thought the first two lines were stronger but if you need to fill them out then leave it.
do you turn any of these into songs man?

look after yrself.

- beau

[fishingthe_sky]

I, too, like the fourth verse the best. "I must find a great body and take a swim" is perfectly crafted to lend itself to multiple readings, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that the initial body was meant to be water.

I feel like this gets bogged down by the somewhat passive voice and the at times lengthy phrases you use. The first verse, for example, seems to drag on a bit much because you're combining images of a branch and images of falling and the concept of gravity all in one "breath." And what power the image could have if it wasn't "failing to mention" the rotten wood, but just letting it be rotten wood!

Also, with the repeating verse, shouldn't it be only the second and fourth lines with question marks? It reads odd making each line its own complete question.

I also think that "the concept of gravity" is a bit too much. I think you should let gravity be without this blatant conceptualization. It contains a certain mystery that way.

[bootsydan]

I also think that "the concept of gravity" is a bit too much. I think you should let gravity be without this blatant conceptualization.

This.

Sorry, but I didn't like it much.

[eliselovesmusic]

The fourth stanza is definitley well constructed and quite eloquently put but I dunno I just kind felt it stop the flow of the poem... Still good though :-)

[n0transitory12]

Does it matter how high you jump?
As long as your feet leave the ground?
Does it matter how often you jump?
As long as you don't wear yourself out?


awesome; maybe it would be more interesting if it was 'as long as you did wear yourself out' ?