I Wish I Could Burn Your Paper Heart

[livingalive626]

again curious to see how this one is taken.

I Wish I Could Burn Your Paper Heart

welcome to my sordid home
this is all i have here
diaries and memories
so incomplete
left from yester-year

so imperfect
yet im confessing who i am
more than i can say for you

because in this moment where
truth and fiction collide
such a beautiful eulogy
oh the tale she told tonight
she had them all
wrapped around your little finger
then she left you there in the ground

you were never all that she said
but you paid her well and she
didn't let you down
after they lowered you down

oh
we are paying them well
paying them well

so now the flowers there
have an evil glare
under your plastic cross
and people stare in wonder
as it towers lower than the rest

[Troggy]

I'll say this, I probably wrote in a similar fashion when I was your age. This sounds like a mashup of the lyrics from bands you probably listen to. It's not inherently terrible, but you don't employ any devices to add clarity to any of it. You have locations which you never specify, ambiguous relationships, details that don't have a clear meaning. I suppose it would help if I knew the purpose of this piece, but the title is worthless in figuring that out.

Even format wise, your line breaks are incredibly sloppy. I used to just hit the enter bar at almost random when I wrote poems of this sort, but you have to review those choices after the poem is finished. Definitely need to move words around so that it can be read in a way that is not haphazard. Main thing, there are a lot of pronouns (i , you, him, we, they) that never get explained in the least. How is the reader supposed to follow along when characters are constantly appearing with no identification? I would start there, and carefully consider what you want the reader to get from this piece. All I get from it is that you are angry at some controlling slut. Clue us in.

[livingalive626]

haha.
actually the song is about a man paying someone to say good thing about him at his funeral. if that makes any difference.
but thanks for the critique. i don't feel this was my best work by any means, but i do think it reflects my overall style. i'd enjoy your opinion on some of my other similar stuff.

[livingalive626]

(ps i edited the format, tell me if thats better or not)

[Meenaghey Aym]

well i got that whole fake eulogy funeral thing. maybe the format didnt make that clear b4 u changed it. I think it is simple to that there is no real stroy here. its basic. someone was paid to give a eulogy that was incorrect to the decedent's character.and i suppose some see thru that but others dont. wat I don't see how it fits is this part

welcome to my home
this is all i have here
in this moment where
truth and fiction collide(i get how this last line pertains)

i think you cud and shud expand on the whole topic. wat u hav now is good as a basis but i think it needs more.

[livingalive626]

well the whole underlying basis is that we all are "paying them well" to cover up our sins etc.

haha and i agree those first two lines are confusing, but its refering to earth in general being my home and that what i leave behind is what others will remember of me. if that makes sense.
but again thanks i will work on expanding it.

[Meenaghey Aym]

yea that makes sense and i think that shud def be ONE OF the parts u expand bc it will definately add meaning and depth! let me know when if you update this one i like the base idea of this one!

[Troggy]

actually the song is about a man paying someone to say good thing about him at his funeral. if that makes any difference.

OK, see that enlightens me. Here's where I went wrong: a) the title does not work for me b) I actually took eulogy in a symbolic kind of sense, I guess that was my mistake c) I never get the tension between the speaker and the 'him', which made me add tension between the speaker and some 'her' that didn't even exist. It was my mistake for even putting a female character in this at all, but it was really the title that did that to me. What I would suggest is to change the title, maybe something that suggests the end of life or the fakeness of the deceased, something like that. You could just pick a word that means insincere or fake and that might help tie it together.

The biggest thing after that is "why?"...why is the author concerned? why would the deceased pay someone to say nice things at his funeral? Needs some background on what this person did to merit the scorn of the author. The 'paying them well' part does some of the leg work, reminds me of Arthur from Inside Man, if you have seen that. But you have got to pack in some intensity here that makes the reader care about this jerk of a dead guy.

[livingalive626]

its ok i can see how the title would mislead you... basically what i meant by the title is my anger at the man and i wanna burn the piece of paper that had the fake story of his life on it, (his "heart").... but i will work on another for it as i agree its kind of confusing. i want it to be subtle but not confusing:)

and good question... ill consider that too.

[livingalive626]

yea that makes sense and i think that shud def be ONE OF the parts u expand bc it will definately add meaning and depth! let me know when if you update this one i like the base idea of this one!

will do :)