ATTN: Fishingsky (Villanelle)

[Troggy]

Villanelle on Human Nature

I looked into the carnivorous sea
preying on kelpgrass, shedding flaps of skin.
No one is the savior they would like to be.

A drop, a drizzle, grew the sinful seed
Of leaves. Cloth covered the showers when
I looked into the carnivorous sea.

My hand reached for the knowing tree.
I penciled the grasp in my notebook then,
'I am not the savior I would like to be'.

If I write water drops they would need
to stain the page with the brood of sin-
Looking into the carnivorous sea.

The wait is growing tense in the debris.
Desperate hands wade the surface again,
We are not the saviors we would like to be.

In time, we will see our flesh encased in
sinking stone, waiting to be moved by wind
at the bottom of the carnivorous sea.

Frantic crowds pour over sunken means,
like locust rain on withered vegetation.
No one is the savior they would like to be,

but love is the water entombing me.
Limbs are cast in the pool of vermilion,
yet I look above the carnivorous sea-
There is a savior we would like to be.

[fishingthe_sky]

I looked into the carniverous sea
preying on kelpgrass shredding flaps of skin,
No one is the savior they would like to be.
I like this stanza for the most part. "Shredding flaps of skin" is a little muddied, as I believe it's supposed to be the kelpgrass shredding skin into flaps, but as present the language says it's shredding already shredded off flaps of skin. I'm probably just being a stickler about it, because it's easily grasped, but it was something I noticed on my first read through.

A drop a drizzle grew the sinful seed
Of leaves a cloth covered showers when
I looked into the carniverous sea.
Yeah, this stanza is a bit odd. I think some internal punctuation could help, even if it's just to slow down the pacing at which the line is read. There's a lot of imagery flowing here, but it progresses so fast that it's hard to get a clear idea of how each is fitting into the bigger picture.

A hand reached near the redwood tree
I pencil the grasp in my notebook then,
I am not the savior I would like to be.
I'm not quite following how the refrain here is functioning with the idea presented in the 2 lines prior. You're placing us outside of the water, and it's a bit disorienting as to what's going on or how this redwood is functioning.

If I write water drops they would need
to stain the page with the weight of sin-
Looking into the carniverous sea.
I like the sounds you're working with in the first line. It's a great balance of alliteration and assonance. I'm a bit hesitant about "weigt of sin" though; it just seems a bit hackneyed or generic in my ears.

The wait is growing tense in the debris
I see the hands raised pushing again,
We are not the saviors we would like to be.
I would like to see some punctuation in the first line, because the line break is working to bring the first and second line together, but it's functioning like a broken dam right now; there's no sense of what's the start of one idea and where it flows into the second. I think that an astute reader will pick up on the active function of the line break here.

In time we see our flesh encased in
sinking stone waiting to be moved by wind
at the bottom of the carniverous sea.
I like the way you use "sinking" as an adjective rather than a verb here. A great use of language. I also like the idea of waiting to be moved by wind at the bottom of the sea. It's a well-formed abstraction.

Desperate crowds pour over statues’ greed
locust rain on withered vegetation.
No one is the savior they would like to be,
Exodus allusions? I'm a big fan of Biblical allusions in secular works, but I'm not sure how well it's fitting in with the greater metaphoric conceit you have going. It works on a language level and partly an imagery level with the water-based words and actions, as well as with the idea of sin and using the Bible as reference, but it feels like it's sort of lacking a spatial context, as it thrusts us out of the water and into a field. I'm also unsure as to what the statues are supposed to represent exactly in the poem. I get the whole golden pig thing (if that's what we're working with, here), but I don't know what it's supposed to do in your poem.

but love is the water entombing me.
We cast our limbs to the pool of vermilion.
I look above the carniverous sea
There is a savior we would like to be.
Ah, perhaps it's less secular than I thought? Seems like you're invoking a Christ image here at the end. And the mention of love would support that. At first I read the last two lines as the water being the savior, which I thought was an interesting and provoking end to this. Especially since it's carnivorous (which is an image I find myself really liking). I also like the instance of color here, but I feel like seeing it that I want color to play a more central role as a motif in the poem. Vermilion is such a deliberate color choice that I want it to be placed with something else to bring out as much significance as it can.

I think this is a good example of the form. I think the issues you're finding with line breaks is partly due to the fact that your lines are devoid of any internal punctuation; should you use it, I think you're be able to smooth out some of the less coherent parts of the piece. I think your refrains are working well within the poem, but some of the other lines are not working well with them (which is a nice change of pace for me, as most of the villanelles I've read from my peers have flabby refrains).


Also, if you have time, I'd love to see what you think about the first part of the series I posted (It's called One:The Collusion of Dew and Sun in the forum). I'll probably post the third part later tonight or tomorrow, but I want to go through it and make some initial edits, lest it be the exact same thing as part two.

[Troggy]

I like this stanza for the most part. "Shredding flaps of skin" is a little muddied, as I believe it's supposed to be the kelpgrass shredding skin into flaps, but as present the language says it's shredding already shredded off flaps of skin. I'm probably just being a stickler about it, because it's easily grasped, but it was something I noticed on my first read through.

I see your point here, but I think the way it is still makes sense to me. Shedding flaps still gives me the same mental image as shedding skin into flaps, but maybe it's only me. You know, I swore that word was shedding, and I just looked at it and it said 'shredding', lol...I am changing it to shedding.


Yeah, this stanza is a bit odd. I think some internal punctuation could help, even if it's just to slow down the pacing at which the line is read. There's a lot of imagery flowing here, but it progresses so fast that it's hard to get a clear idea of how each is fitting into the bigger picture.

I suppose you caught me on my lack of punctuation. Might as well give it a shot!


I'm not quite following how the refrain here is functioning with the idea presented in the 2 lines prior. You're placing us outside of the water, and it's a bit disorienting as to what's going on or how this redwood is functioning.

You know, when I was writing there was a disconnect between the water and non water stanzas. I did this on purpose, but now I can't remember exactly why. However, the point here is the tree was made into the pencil and paper. This stanza is a reflection of my inability to be above the nature of humans even as I write about it. I believe the reason I pulled from nature back to myself is because I had been using so much nature imagery.


I like the sounds you're working with in the first line. It's a great balance of alliteration and assonance. I'm a bit hesitant about "weigt of sin" though; it just seems a bit hackneyed or generic in my ears.

Great catch. The rest of that is doing alright, will change that phrase there. Might still have to end with 'sin' because of the rhyme scheme though, haha.


I would like to see some punctuation in the first line, because the line break is working to bring the first and second line together, but it's functioning like a broken dam right now; there's no sense of what's the start of one idea and where it flows into the second. I think that an astute reader will pick up on the active function of the line break here.

Yeah that is a jolt, I'll give you that. Periods help. You know, I even used a comma here, perhaps I just suck at punctuation, and didn't actually forget to use it!


I like the way you use "sinking" as an adjective rather than a verb here. A great use of language. I also like the idea of waiting to be moved by wind at the bottom of the sea. It's a well-formed abstraction.

Hey hey, a good stanza!


Exodus allusions? I'm a big fan of Biblical allusions in secular works, but I'm not sure how well it's fitting in with the greater metaphoric conceit you have going. It works on a language level and partly an imagery level with the water-based words and actions, as well as with the idea of sin and using the Bible as reference, but it feels like it's sort of lacking a spatial context, as it thrusts us out of the water and into a field. I'm also unsure as to what the statues are supposed to represent exactly in the poem. I get the whole golden pig thing (if that's what we're working with, here), but I don't know what it's supposed to do in your poem.

You know, it wasn't an intentional exodus allusion. Probably inspired by Converge's 'locust rain' since that's such an epic song title. Honestly I ripped off several musical works titles and lyrics in here, if you can find them, kudos, but I won't tell. ;D

I don't want to put too much focus here on the statue itself, perhaps making the greed belong to the statues isn't as clear as having the greed belong to the crowd. After all, that is part of what usually causes self indulgant statues to be created. I think that would clear up the line.


Ah, perhaps it's less secular than I thought? Seems like you're invoking a Christ image here at the end. And the mention of love would support that. At first I read the last two lines as the water being the savior, which I thought was an interesting and provoking end to this. Especially since it's carnivorous (which is an image I find myself really liking). I also like the instance of color here, but I feel like seeing it that I want color to play a more central role as a motif in the poem. Vermilion is such a deliberate color choice that I want it to be placed with something else to bring out as much significance as it can.

I think this is a good example of the form. I think the issues you're finding with line breaks is partly due to the fact that your lines are devoid of any internal punctuation; should you use it, I think you're be able to smooth out some of the less coherent parts of the piece. I think your refrains are working well within the poem, but some of the other lines are not working well with them (which is a nice change of pace for me, as most of the villanelles I've read from my peers have flabby refrains).

Also, if you have time, I'd love to see what you think about the first part of the series I posted (It's called One:The Collusion of Dew and Sun in the forum). I'll probably post the third part later tonight or tomorrow, but I want to go through it and make some initial edits, lest it be the exact same thing as part two.

I am, and I didn't mind it being obvious at the end, because it is not there throughout. I wanted to subtly manipulate the refrain until it reflected a Christ, since the word savior is in there so much. I'll experiment using Vermilion or another color somewhere else.

Thanks for the advice, at least the purpose and message in this one isn't as murky as a few of the lines! I consider that a partial success.

[fishingthe_sky]

I think you can chalk it up as a success. Definitely better than any villanelle I attempted. Oh, and don't worry about ripping off lyrics. I make some pretty thinly veiled "allusions" in a lot of poems I write. I have one that's basically a vehicle to make blatant allusions to T.S. Eliot and Every Time I Die.

-fishingthe_sky aka skyfishing aka flyfishing aka flyonthewall aka wallofsky aka skyoffish aka fishforthesky

[Troggy]

I am doing revisions now, and I am pleased with where they are going. I am trying to maintain the continuity of the sea throughout, originally I wrote it as 1 section sea, next section something else, so I'm going to try and make it flow better. I'll put that up later when I am happy with it.

[fishingthe_sky]

Looking forward to it.

[Troggy]

Revised version is up in post #1.

[fishingthe_sky]

Alright, here is a new version of the poem, now with 100% more biblical references (2 instead of 1). This time there is a clear split after the first 4 stanzas, instead of a back and forth kind of notion between myself and the other people/sea. Let me know if it is more clear this way, I could still probably use some more work on the punctuation, but I gave it a try.

I looked into the carniverous sea
preying on kelpgrass, shedding flaps of skin.
No one is the savior they would like to be.

A drop, a drizzle, grew the sinful seed
Of leaves. Cloth covered the showers when
I looked into the carniverous sea.

My hand reached for the knowing tree.
I penciled the grasp in my notebook then,
'I am not the savior I would like to be'.

If I write water drops they would need
to stain the page with the brood of sin-
Looking into the carniverous sea.

The wait is growing tense in the debris.
Desperate hands wade the surface again,
We are not the saviors we would like to be.

In time, we will see our flesh encased in
sinking stone, waiting to be moved by wind
at the bottom of the carniverous sea.

Frantic crowds pour over sunken means,
like locust rain on withered vegetation.
No one is the savior they would like to be,

but love is the water entombing me.
Limbs are cast in the pool of vermilion,
yet I look above the carniverous sea-
There is a savior we would like to be.
I don't have time to give a fully attentive look, but on my first read, I can already see this being much improved. I'll get back to it later today and give you more comments.

[bootsydan]

No one is the savior they would like to be.

This is a line in an Iron & Wine song?

[Troggy]

This is a line in an Iron & Wine song?

Yes.

[redmoon]

flat and empty a strained attempt at poetry inorganic and synthetic

[bootsydan]

Yes.

Yet you still used it?

[Tead42]

flat and empty a strained attempt at poetry inorganic and synthetic
For the record, inorganic MEANS synthetic.
Stop trying to sound smart with big words.

[Troggy]

Yet you still used it?

Yes. It's not a line that is incredibly unique. It inspired this piece. Any comments on the poem?

[eliselovesmusic]

This is quite good... very artsy... personally I'm not sure I like the repeated "carniverous sea..." It's not bad, just not to my taste I guess... otherwise good :-)

[bootsydan]

Firstly I'll just say that the revised version is definitely an improvement on the original, even though you didn't make many drastic changes. And using punctuation definitely made it easier to read.

I looked into the carniverous sea
preying on kelpgrass, shedding flaps of skin.
No one is the savior they would like to be.

I'm not really a fan of writers giving inhumane things qualities such as 'carniverous' or 'beautiful' etc... unless they can give good reason as to why they are doing that. And in this instance, I don't believe you have good reason. I mean I can understand why one would describe the sea as 'carniverous'. It does contain a lot of animals. But 'carniverous' is also an aggressive word, and I think that is too strong a way to start a poem. The sea can be many different things, and while 'aggressive' or 'carniverous' may definitely be one - in this context it felt to me like a cheap descriptive word to try an evoke some sort of non-existent emotion from the reader. In fact, while the flow would be out, I feel this verse would hold a lot more weight if you simply started with 'I looked into the sea'.

I also think the line 'No one is the saviour they would like to be' carries no meaning in relation to the first two lines. However I understand this must be part of the form you are writing, so you probably have to have it.

A drop, a drizzle, grew the sinful seed
Of leaves. Cloth covered the showers when
I looked into the carniverous sea.

Again, the word 'sinful' here plays a similar role. However in this verse the word 'carniverous' is slightly more acceptable, as by this time you've set up the ocean.

I'll note that you are using quite nice imagery for the most part.

My hand reached for the knowing tree.
I penciled the grasp in my notebook then,
'I am not the savior I would like to be'.

I actually liked 'redwood' tree better. Because again, 'knowing' is playing the same role as 'carniverous' and 'sinful'. Maybe it's just a personal thing that I don't like this in poems - but it does bug me quite a bit.

I read that you also said this was about the tree being made into the pen and the paper. However, I didn't get this from reading it. I like that concept. But it wasn't clear to me.

I'm also not sure how this ties into the rest of the poem either. Actually, no I do see how this fits in. The saviour theme. However I don't like that you seem to be personalizing something that was probably best left unpersonalized.

If I write water drops they would need
to stain the page with the brood of sin-
Looking into the carniverous sea.

So your basically saying when I write, I have to write my sins?

If so, then I don't understand why.

The wait is growing tense in the debris.
Desperate hands wade the surface again,
We are not the saviors we would like to be.

This is a great verse.

In time, we will see our flesh encased in
sinking stone, waiting to be moved by wind
at the bottom of the carniverous sea.

I like the first 2 lines quite a bit. And I know the last line fits in with the repeated lines you've been using throughout, so you probably have to keep it. I'm not familiar with the form - but I'm guessing the repeated lines have something to do with it. But I actually think the first two lines stand alone well, and the last line takes away from the meaning.

Frantic crowds pour over sunken means,
like locust rain on withered vegetation.
No one is the savior they would like to be,

This is another great verse. Much improved from the first version I read.

but love is the water entombing me.
Limbs are cast in the pool of vermilion,
yet I look above the carniverous sea-
There is a savior we would like to be.

I don't like how this ended on a biblical note. It makes it seem like a religious peace - and I don't know what your religious stance is - but there are already a million poems out there that are 'god worshipping'. So I found this a really disappointing and unoriginal ending.

Also, on borrowing lines from others - I am not a fan of that at all. Unless of course, you've approached the original author about it and they've given you permission. Taking a line from a movie or a book I consider acceptable - as that is another form of writing. That seems like referencing, not stealing. But when you take a line from a song and put it in your poem I just consider that copying. Whether you consider it an original line or not.

Like you obviously do, I loved the line 'No one is the saviour they would like to be' from Iron & Wine, and I can see how it could inspire you to write a song. However I do wish you wouldn't have used it.

This definitely had potential though and you obviously have some writing talent.

[Troggy]

I'm not really a fan of writers giving inhumane things qualities such as 'carnivorous' or 'beautiful' etc... unless they can give good reason as to why they are doing that. And in this instance, I don't believe you have good reason. I mean I can understand why one would describe the sea as 'carnivorous'. It does contain a lot of animals. But 'carnivorous' is also an aggressive word, and I think that is too strong a way to start a poem. The sea can be many different things, and while 'aggressive' or 'carnivorous' may definitely be one - in this context it felt to me like a cheap descriptive word to try an evoke some sort of non-existent emotion from the reader. In fact, while the flow would be out, I feel this verse would hold a lot more weight if you simply started with 'I looked into the sea'.

I gotta say, I'm am not sure what is really going on in this response. If you are against calling 'trees' 'beautiful' then I'm not sure you really get the point of poetry at all. How is carnivorous too 'aggressive' for the SEA? The sea takes human lives probably every day, it literally and figuratively can swallow us up, it is treacherous, houses many dangerous creatures, I'm not sure what about it ISN'T carnivorous? I really don't think it is cheap, but I think having a refrain of 'I looked into the sea' would make a terrible villanelle.

I also think the line 'No one is the saviour they would like to be' carries no meaning in relation to the first two lines. However I understand this must be part of the form you are writing, so you probably have to have it.

You know, if there is one refrain that is a little forced, it is the first one. But it is unavoidable and I think portraying the sea as the danger that it is helps to set up a line that says we might need to be saved from it. It's not like the sea is literal anyway so I think it works out OK. Not the best, but I think it builds.

Again, the word 'sinful' here plays a similar role. However in this verse the word 'carniverous' is slightly more acceptable, as by this time you've set up the ocean.

I'll note that you are using quite nice imagery for the most part.

I actually liked 'redwood' tree better. Because again, 'knowing' is playing the same role as 'carniverous' and 'sinful'. Maybe it's just a personal thing that I don't like this in poems - but it does bug me quite a bit.

You're gonna have to get over that, it's how you write poems. Seriously.

I read that you also said this was about the tree being made into the pen and the paper. However, I didn't get this from reading it. I like that concept. But it wasn't clear to me.

It is unclear, you are right. I wouldn't expect the reader to go, duh, on that, but I am hoping that at least it flows logically from the big to the small, the tree in nature to the pencil in my hand. That is probably enough.

I'm also not sure how this ties into the rest of the poem either. Actually, no I do see how this fits in. The saviour theme. However I don't like that you seem to be personalizing something that was probably best left unpersonalized.

I disagree, this is a personal poem for me. I am someone with 'human nature' i don't see the point of leaving myself out of this. It's true, I give myself a different position than the 'they' that i describe here...which obviously isn't everyone else, just a lot of people. I took the first half of the poem to set up my own shortcomings, because there are other people that could stand in my shoes, and then took the second half to go over others.

I think it's ridiculous to write poems that you have no personal stake in. Yeah I could write from an outside position, but whose? A bird? God? I mean it just makes sense to me that I describe the way in which I fall short in relation to everyone else. The end of the poem applies to me as well, you know.

So your basically saying when I write, I have to write my sins?

Actually that is pretty much what I am saying, except instead of have to i would substitute 'can't help but'. Obviously this is not literal, but I hope you can infer what I am saying by that. I think that makes sense because I am describing my incompleteness even as I am about to watch those who are figuratively drowning.

I like the first 2 lines quite a bit. And I know the last line fits in with the repeated lines you've been using throughout, so you probably have to keep it. I'm not familiar with the form - but I'm guessing the repeated lines have something to do with it. But I actually think the first two lines stand alone well, and the last line takes away from the meaning.

I wouldn't say it takes away from the meaning, but I am constrained by the form. For your edification, you could look up the villanelle form.

I don't like how this ended on a biblical note. It makes it seem like a religious peace - and I don't know what your religious stance is - but there are already a million poems out there that are 'god worshipping'. So I found this a really disappointing and unoriginal ending.

I'll be honest with you, this is hardly something you'd classify as 'god worshipping'. And you know, so what if it was? Every topic has been done to death in the last several hundred years, the question is, do I have anything interesting to say about it, or do I at least say it in an interesting way? I hope I am achieving that here.

Also, on borrowing lines from others - I am not a fan of that at all. Unless of course, you've approached the original author about it and they've given you permission. Taking a line from a movie or a book I consider acceptable - as that is another form of writing. That seems like referencing, not stealing. But when you take a line from a song and put it in your poem I just consider that copying. Whether you consider it an original line or not.

Like you obviously do, I loved the line 'No one is the saviour they would like to be' from Iron & Wine, and I can see how it could inspire you to write a song. However I do wish you wouldn't have used it.

I disagree. Thanks for taking the time to look over this. I am getting the feeling that it is making sense to people, which is good. I don't quite understand a lot of the things you didn't like here, but to each his own I suppose.

[Troggy]

This is quite good... very artsy... personally I'm not sure I like the repeated "carniverous sea..." It's not bad, just not to my taste I guess... otherwise good :-)

Thanks for reading. For your benefit, here is what a Villanelle is: Wiki (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Villanelle) . Maybe you don't like the repeated line, but at least you will understand how the poem works. :)

[fishingthe_sky]

I looked into the carniverous sea
preying on kelpgrass, shedding flaps of skin.
No one is the savior they would like to be.
Shedding makes way more sense, and makes the image much more attainable.

A drop, a drizzle, grew the sinful seed
Of leaves. Cloth covered the showers when
I looked into the carniverous sea.
Is "A drop, a drizzle" here for syllable's sake? I'm not sure what it's doing otherwise. Not that it's bad, but it just seems a little repetitive and doesn't do much to expand the image. I also think that at times it sounds a little sing-song-y. The punctuation really helps here, though.

My hand reached for the knowing tree.
I penciled the grasp in my notebook then,
'I am not the savior I would like to be'.
Knowing tree = Tree of Sephiroth? Or am I just overusing my knowledge of Biblical allusions? (Just so you know, I'm not Christian or Jewish, so I'm coming at them from a secular point of view). I agree with bootsy that this is not as clear as it could be still, but it's clear enough that you know the trajectory of images. I'm not sure how to recommend making it more clear, as I can't seem to do it without breaking form.

If I write water drops they would need
to stain the page with the brood of sin-
Looking into the carniverous sea.
Just noticed this, but it's carnivorous. Brood is better, fits more with the whole Judeo-Christian overtones.

The wait is growing tense in the debris.
Desperate hands wade the surface again,
We are not the saviors we would like to be.
This stanza is much improved.

In time, we will see our flesh encased in
sinking stone, waiting to be moved by wind
at the bottom of the carniverous sea.
Still like this stanza a lot.

Frantic crowds pour over sunken means,
like locust rain on withered vegetation.
No one is the savior they would like to be,
This one is improved too. I'm glad you nixed the statues. Now, I'm a little on the fence about the word vegetation. It doesn't seem to "fit." But again, I'm not sure what other word to use, so take this with a grain of salt.

but love is the water entombing me.
Limbs are cast in the pool of vermilion,
yet I look above the carniverous sea-
There is a savior we would like to be.
The only thing I would say is that I have the same feelings about vermillion.

Much improved. It's much clearer now, even with those few instances I mentioned. A quality villanelle, certainly. I hope you will post more of your work.

[Troggy]

Shedding makes way more sense, and makes the image much more attainable.

I thought it was shedding all along, lol. Not to mention I thought I was spelling carnivorous right. hahaha.

Is "A drop, a drizzle" here for syllable's sake? I'm not sure what it's doing otherwise. Not that it's bad, but it just seems a little repetitive and doesn't do much to expand the image. I also think that at times it sounds a little sing-song-y. The punctuation really helps here, though.

Yeah, it is fairly pointless. I will try and make a fix there. This is open issue #1.

Knowing tree = Tree of Sephiroth? Or am I just overusing my knowledge of Biblical allusions? (Just so you know, I'm not Christian or Jewish, so I'm coming at them from a secular point of view). I agree with bootsy that this is not as clear as it could be still, but it's clear enough that you know the trajectory of images. I'm not sure how to recommend making it more clear, as I can't seem to do it without breaking form.

Yeah, the tree adjective is still giving me some trouble, for sure. I'll leave that as open issue #2.


This one is improved too. I'm glad you nixed the statues. Now, I'm a little on the fence about the word vegetation. It doesn't seem to "fit." But again, I'm not sure what other word to use, so take this with a grain of salt.

Yeah, I initially liked it, so I'm not sure where I could take it. I'll make this issue #3.

Thanks for your continued input! I am liking this a lot more than I did when I turned it in for my english class. I will try to work out those open issues, I agree there are still some trouble spots. :)

[bootsydan]

I gotta say, I'm am not sure what is really going on in this response. If you are against calling 'trees' 'beautiful' then I'm not sure you really get the point of poetry at all. How is carnivorous too 'aggressive' for the SEA? The sea takes human lives probably every day, it literally and figuratively can swallow us up, it is treacherous, houses many dangerous creatures, I'm not sure what about it ISN'T carnivorous? I really don't think it is cheap, but I think having a refrain of 'I looked into the sea' would make a terrible villanelle.

I think you misunderstand me. By all means call seas 'carnivorous', trees 'beautiful' and whatever else 'whatever else'. But you have to be careful in the way you do it - because seas can probably also be 'beautiful' and trees can probably also be 'carnivorous'. It all just depends on your perspective. So I'm saying you need a good explanation of why are you giving said object said descriptive word.

When the first line comes out and says 'I looked into the carnivorous sea' - that is not good reason. That is disregarding all the other things that the sea could possibly be. I understand, in this piece, you are confined by form - and therefore I probably shouldn't have made as a big a deal out of it.

But I still think calling a tree 'knowing' and the seed 'sinful' is just cheap. The idea for me would be to try and get across that you think the tree is 'knowing' without actually using the word 'knowing'. To me that would be much better poetry. Cause at the moment I'm just wondering 'how is the tree knowing?'. 'How is the seed sinful?'

Anyway, take it as you will.

[fishingthe_sky]

I thought it was shedding all along, lol. Not to mention I thought I was spelling carnivorous right. hahaha.



Yeah, it is fairly pointless. I will try and make a fix there. This is open issue #1.

[i]

Yeah, the tree adjective is still giving me some trouble, for sure. I'll leave that as open issue #2.




Yeah, I initially liked it, so I'm not sure where I could take it. I'll make this issue #3.

Thanks for your continued input! I am liking this a lot more than I did when I turned it in for my english class. I will try to work out those open issues, I agree there are still some trouble spots. :)
Sorry I didn't respond to this earlier, but I'm glad I can help. Thanks for yours on mine, too. I've been slowly revising those, so I'll keep you posted if I come here with revisions. You said you weren't a frequenter of this forum, but I'd like to see some of your other stuff whenever you come around. It's nice to see a member here who is knowledgeable on a lot of technique.
-fishnchips (Missed it the first time around. Still made me laugh)

[livingalive626]

due to the fact that wiser heads have already critiqued this far beyond my ability, ill just leave a simple " awesome job" :)