I was a dove, once.

[Mitch]

I was a dove, once upon a dying day
There was blood upon my wing as both wings flapped
Red traced my path throughout the sky, spreading sin and causing rain
‘My last flight is near’ I croaked to the clouds
Who moved up higher to avoid the shouts ,
Of the ones below--
Engulfed in flames
Dancing wildly
And burning beautifully

I was a grey dove, once upon a setting sun; covered in its ash
I swooped down alongside as we both observed
Thieves thieving,
Trickers tricking,
Beggars begging
They all pointed to the sky and screamed ‘nothing’s safe’
For they saw clouds cry crimson and believed god had bled
So they drenched themselves in what they did
Without a thought of how they’d lived

I was a dove, once upon a dying day
The blood was spreading to my other wing, making patterns in the auburn sky
With an envy not quite yellow, I watched these children stop growing old
They were drowning in a flood as their toys floated by
And only a floating jester
In a pinstripe box,
Decided to jump out--
To scream on with his friends
We’re all under water in the end

I was a graceful dove, dying in a dying day
I caught the greed of others and the green turned red
When they lift their heads up to pray as their bodies start to crumble
All they’ll get is a falling sun, a distant cloud,
And a red dove that tried with all his might
To stop their cries
And bless them with relieving sighs
I shared the secret but no language understood
That they once were all doves too
In a day that didn't seem
To ever want to die

[Troggy]

This is a reasonable attempt. You are tackling something that has been done to death, and you unfortunately fall victim to several cliches and bad techniques along the way. Besides that the very premise of the poem is about as trite as they come, a pure white dove drowning the evil and bloodshed of the world, not being able to save it, you could actually come out with something nice here if you eliminated all the unnecessary wordiness and redundancy.

The problems start in the second line or so (not that the first is beyond reproach, but I will have to let you keep your first lines so the entire poem doesn't fall apart), using so many words to say 'flapping bloodied wings'. The way you said it has some sort of rhythm to it, but from what I can tell, this isn't a piece that relies on structure or rhythm to that degree. Instead of making an awkward sentence, just use the words that are necessary.

One of the problems with this piece being so long and wordy is that there is no element of surprise. You run with the same concept the entire way, and don't actually expand on it as much as the length suggests. Saying things like 'my last flight is near' when you clearly said it was a dying day and the bird was bloody is just beating the reader over the head like you are Captain Obvious. The only other necessary detail in the first stanza, besides the first two lines, is the fact that there are people, and they are in trouble.

The turn in the second stanza is interesting, but it doesn't make sense. Not only is there a misplaced 'we' (Am I supposed to assume that the speaker is now simultaneously two different birds?), but giving a color to the bird in this stanza but none of the others is confusing. I somewhat like your attempt with the 'theives theiving' and so on, but wouldn't it be a little more interesting if they weren't just doing what their name suggests? It's again, no surprise, nothing out of the ordinary. I'm not suggesting that you have theives begging and beggers tricking or something, because that sounds silly, but giving some characters and their actions will allow you to inject feelings such as desperation, greed, etc. I like the line 'They drenched themselves in what they did', that is something that could follow something like 'theives, beggers, etc'. The lines between them, though, could certainly be lost.

The third stanza seems to attempt a parallel, but the way it is written, it is only redundant. Again, you use so many words when you only need a few. Pointing out that the other wing is bloody now is a trivial progression. Bleeding birds don't stand much of a chance in the air even if only one part of them is bleeding. The image of the jackinthebox is nice, actually. It's a pretty desperate movie kind of image, but the way you went about it, it takes too long to develop. Just go ahead and say a solitary jester floats by, and give his face some snarl or pity. That's all you need there.

The fourth stanza is more of the same. You aren't particularly astute when you use colors as substitutes for emotions, as they are all completely obvious choices that don't add any energy or emotion to the piece. Again, the dove's final confession is completely overdone, it's an easy concept to get as a reader. You could salvage the ending, I suppose, day that 'didn't seem to ever want to die' may work, but again it is such a rehash, it will depend on what precedes it whether it has an actual impact or not. Like I said, this a decent attempt, but it is just the beginning if you are looking to really move the reader.

[Mitch]

Thanks for the feedback. I'll keep what you say in mind.